My friend Lizzie likes looking for potential dates for me on  www.PlentyofFish.com.  She knows that I’m close to giving up, so she looks for me.

Every once in a while she’ll send me a text when she thinks she has found someone suitable.  The problem is, we hardly ever agree on anyone.  She thinks I’m too picky, but look at what I have to work  with –  in the world of dating, Plenty of Crap is considered to the bottom of the barrel.  I also know what I like, and what I don’t like, plus I can spot a red flag a mile away…

LIZZIE:  POF…Toast74.

CARRIE:  Are you sure that is right?

LIZZIE:  Toasty74.

CARRIE:  Not cute.

LIZZIE:  I know, but looks are not everything…*cough-cough*  HDG

CARRIE:  Hot Dog Guy had a deep voice.  That trumps a lot.

LIZZIE:  OK…POF  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.  6’4″ and an “alpha male.” LOL

I take a look at this guy’s profile.  It reads as follows:

Non-Smoker with Athletic body type / Non-Religious / 36-year old Man, 6′ 4″/ Caucasian Aquarius with Brown hair / Is looking for a relationship/ Masters degree

About Me

Hello, everyone. Hoping to meet a wonderful person that is a keeper. I am an alpha male that is happy and successful without being a workoholic nor abrasive. The company I started back in 2002 has tripled. We search for new and unique talent in various mediums of television and radio. Its exciting.

My type of woman would have personality, charm and be much deeper than watching a football game. A lady that lights up a room, has many friends and loves her family. A dog lover a must as I have two big guard dogs, Dobies, that love to run my 2 acres as well as go everywhere with me. Cats OK.

Kids never fit into my life’s plan so I have none nor desire a womans’ unless they are teens or older.

I am a true Aquarius. Fun, full of surprises, electric. With the moon in Leo, I am loyal to a fault, big hearted and happiest in a healthy relationship. Well, that’s it for now. Hope to hear from you soon!

CARRIE:  I think this guy may have bad teeth – he doesn’t show his teeth when he smiles.  Bad sign.  Just sent him email.

LIZZIE:  He’ll respond.

CARRIE:  Not sure I can deal with the two earring thing and his big ego.

LIZZIE:  He needs to be taken down a few notches anyway.

Before I let you read my correspondence with dude, I need to point out something in my own profile, which he referenced:

“PS:  I make the best oatmeal-raisin cookies this side of the Mississippi!” 

Cute, right?  Well, I do make the best oatmeal-raisin cookies – just ask Nathan. I mention the cookies, because I figured it would be lighthearted and cute…seeing all guys love cookies.

After reviewing this guy’s profile, the only thing he had going for him was his height.  Other than that he seemed like an arrogant tool.  And, believe me, unless you see someone smiling in their pictures, always assume they have bad teeth.

I send him an email just for shits and giggles – but I’m sincere.

2/25/2012 8:50:22 AM

You said, “I am loyal to a fault, big hearted and happiest in a healthy relationship.”  Are you sure you are not a Cancer, Mr. Aquarius?

You have an interesting profile, but what stood out to me the most was what I listed above.

(Attached are two pictures of me.)

2/25/2012 10:06:21 AM

cancer men are needy, sensitive and quite weak in my opinion. i am polar opposite… you need to brush up on your astrology and cut back the cookies… lol

I know!  I thought the same thing.  What an ass, right?  I couldn’t believe how rude he was.  I need to stay away from the cookies?  And, did he not notice that I’m also a Cancer?  How rude.  I sent Lizzie his reply.

LIZZIE:  He did not!  What an ass.  He needs the “Carrie take-down”!

CARRIE:  Oh, trust me, it’s on!

*CRACKS KNUCKLES*

2/25/2012 11:28:14 AM

Maybe I do need to brush up on my astrology…

Just so you know, I’m definitely a Cancer – you know that “weak” and “needy” sign that clearly you have a disdain for, however, my rising sign is in Aries. You know – the fire sign, first in the zodiac who can be frank and direct.

So, on that note, let me ask you, what sign is rude, arrogant, self-absorbed and lacks tact? It must be Aquarius, right?  Although, Leo thinks he’s king of the jungle and everything is about him.

Maybe you need to put down your astrology book, stop generalizing, and brush up on your social skills and tact.   LOL

2/25/2012 2:05:24 PM

1st off your shady by not having a pic on your profile. next i get 30 e-mails a day by well mannered women of all zodiac signs. they are the fabric of good manners and honesty. cancers such as joni mitchell are lost children, aries rising or not. look at your poor attempt to retort, case in point. only the rejected think i am arrogant. good day

2/25/2012 4:03:42 PM

Rejected? Is that how you “reject” someone?  Oh, really?  So, being an ass is how you reply to someone who was being nice and sincere?  Wow, your mother must be SO PROUD!

And, by the way, Mr. “Executive,” maybe you should go back to school and learn how to write, spell, use proper grammar and punctuation.   “Your” is only used in the possessive form, whereas, “you’re” is the abbreviation for “YOU ARE.”  You call yourself an executive?  You can’t even put together a well-written paragraph.

I think you over-looked the fact that I’m a writer.  I was just throwing out the bait to see if you’d take a bite.  And, you did.  Rejected?  I’d rather chew glass than date someone like you, someone who obviously has a huge chip on his shoulder towards women, plus you wear larger earrings than I do.

Insecurity, and feeling the need to prove yourself, is written all over your profile – I’m all set.

Thanks for the material!

PS:   Talking about astrology in your profile really makes you look like a nut.

After that he blocked me.   Shocking right?  Well, he had it coming – if he can’t take it, he shouldn’t dish it.

NEXT!