Dating: We Are Doing It All Wrong!

I met “Handsome Irishman with a Dentyne Smile” a few years ago at a horse race called “The Hunt.” For those of you who have never heard of it, it’s an annual horse race in the beautiful town of Far Hills, New Jersey.  (Beautiful and très expensive!)  People come from all over, usually by train or bus, not to watch the horse race, but to be a partake in the posh see-and-be-seen tailgating experience.  (Think frat party with lots of Wellies, Beans, plaid shirts, checkered shirts, bow ties, critter pants, ascots, kegs, bottles and, of course, beer pong.)

However, the Hunt has nothing to with this post or  how I became friends with Handsome Irishman with Dentyne Smile.  I’m writing this to illustrate how frustrating online dating can be and how it can make even the people with the best intentions, want to pull out their hair, or throw in the towel.

I’ve been there many times, but this is from my friend’s perspective and to give you an idea that it’s just not me.

Since I met Dentyne Smile, I have always thought he had all the traits and qualities women want. He’s handsome, educated, (obviously) a killer smile, smart, fun, very athletic, family-oriented, successful, and has great arms.

Why didn’t I date him, you ask?

Because he’s shorter than me, and you know how I feel about that.

So, why is he single?

Probably the same reason why I’m single.

Who knows!

It’s been the million-dollar question, we have discussed many times.  I even revamped his “About me” section in his online dating profile for him.  It seemed to help, but in the end, he is still frustrated and still single.

Recently I asked him how his love life was going.

DENTYNE SMILE:  Dating at the [Jersey] shore, post summer, is no picnic… LOL

CARRIE:  OMG…I’d be horrified if I had to date there.

DENTYNE SMILE:  It’s a little crazy.

CARRIE:  Superficial?

DENTYNE SMILE:  Locals are strange and they think they are normal…

CARRIE:  This is why our society is going right down the shitter.

DENTYNE SMILE:  True, being normal is our biggest problem… LOL   I have to say, the profile you wrote for my online dating was great.

CARRIE:  I had forgotten about that!  Sooo….?

DENTYNE SMILE: It’s been nuts, I tend to meet the crazies.  Either they want to move in ASAP or they want faster responses.  Or I meet really picky ones.

CARRIE:  Wow…are we talking about women in their 30’s or 20’s?

DENTYNE SMILE: Mid 30’s and 40’s.

CARRIE:  Really???  I’m a little surprised at that.  Can you give me an example of their behavior?

DENTYNE SMILE:  Hhhhhmmm… I had dated this one woman who was 36 and single.  After the second date, she wanted to watch a movie at my place.  We usually hung out once a week, and texted 3-4 times during the week.  She started to ask if I was busy every day and started making excuses to contact me.  She would ask me where I was going, and for what.  Then, she would text in the AM, “Safe travels,” then text, “Did you make it home safe?”  It got to be too much, too fast.

I took a 3-month break and then she texted out of the blue, so I figured she mellowed out, but it was the same mess all over again.  After we hung out, she texted and texted, and then texted…[that] we dated for 6 months, and she deserved better.  I almost pulled out my hair.  We hung out 1 time, in 3 months.

Dear Lord…if there anything I can teach my fellow single followers it’s, don’t be that girl!

Run Bro

I don’t know anything about this chick other than what Dentyne Smile wrote to me in his email.  But if she were to read this, this is what I would have to say:

I realize that Dentyne Smile is someone to get excited over, but let the man do his job!  You’re being too concerned, too nice, too available, too assertive, too nosey, too, too, too!  When he wants to talk or text you, you will hear from him.   I promise.

Chill. Out.

I get it.  We all get caught up in the texting.  We get excited when someone is paying attention to us, but when it comes to dating, slow and steady, is the rule of thumb.  Like tennis, texting should go back-and-forth.  For example, he hits the ball to you, you hit it back to him.  It’s called taking turns.  I think we learned about taking turns in nursery school.  Taking turns means waiting for the ball to be hit back to you.  It means exercising patience.  Don’t keep texting him, if he hasn’t replied to your last text.  Don’t be annoying and don’t be that girl.

Chill. Out.

Please do not overwhelm your prospective date with texts!  Especially the ones that make you look creepy and clingy.

Too many balls

DENTYNE SMILE:  Example 2, we haven’t even met yet.  We planned a date a week ago. Here is the text I got: “My ex informed me today that one of his daughters may need to be transported to CHOP for emergency eye surgery. I’m not sure if he will be taking Bryson. May need to play it by ear.  I’m at the hospital with my mom right now…will text later.”

CARRIE:  Holy crap.  Play it by ear? Get a babysitter. Was there an apology? How about a “Hey, can we reschedule this for Thursday?”  What is wrong with people?  Now I see why you are frustrated.

Can you see why he was so frustrated?  If she had to cancel in person, I’m thinking their conversation would have gone a little bit better than “let’s play it by ear.”

CARRIE:  You know…I think you are dating below your standards. I’ve always seen you with someone who is highly intelligent, more like yourself. A doctor perhaps?  I just think you are fishing in the wrong pond, my friend.

DENTYNE SMILE:  Thank you.  One women I dated, after my last breakup, was nice and cool in the beginning. Then over time she had all these family problems and medical issues.  Never said anything.  Then called me from the hospital and wanted me to say hello to her folks.Two weeks before that, I went to Canada for work, I said please don’t text.  She sent me 100 texts saying we would make beautiful children and how much she loved me.  After the folks call, I had to end it.

Three months later, she saw I was buying a house and asked if she could refer me for a loan. I said ok, she said she just moved in with her boyfriend and that she was happy.  Her bank took so long, I had to back out.  She sent me nasty messages and said, “I hope the tree that fell on your place was because of Karma.”  She de-friended me [on Facebook].

Six months later she re-friended me, and said she lost her job at the bank. Caught her boyfriend cheating on her, and had to move back home.  Then she asked if we could meet up for drinks as friends.  I never said yes, and that night, she sent 20 texts saying she still loves me and wants to have my children.

Move on with your life

And here I was thinking that I had it bad.

DENTYNE SMILE: Puts dating into perspective.

CARRIE:  I don’t even know how to respond to that…

Here’s my advice:

If you ever hear someone suggest to you, “Let’s play it by ear,” consider those words to be the kiss of death, and file it under “NEXT!”  Even if Dentyne Smile does get another date with this woman, I can guarantee you that there won’t be another date after that.  She’s just not that into him, and if she is, she certainly isn’t showing it.

People, who are into you, apologize.

People, who are into you, want to reschedule, because they don’t want you to think they aren’t into you.It’s really that simple.

The Ripple Effect:
How we get treated, is how we are going to treat other people.  Monkey see, monkey do.  Over time we think this is how it is, or the way it goes. We don’t care about the other person’s feelings because, most likely, we will never see them again.  This to me, seems like the root of the problem when it comes to dating, and especially online dating.  Across the board, I find people are generally frustrated.But here’s the real question:   What is it that really frustrates us?  Is it the lack of choices we have, or is it the way we have been treated, by those we have dated or tried to date?We all know how frustrated I have been over the years with the way people have treated me.  But regardless, I don’t let it stand in the way of doing the right thing by others.  Hey, I may not be able to say it immediately, but eventually, I will tell them that I don’t feel the spark or zing with someone.

Dentyne Smile should have told the clingy girl that she was being too clingy that he just didn’t feel the chemistry with her, and called it a day.  That would have saved him a lot of frustration.

…which leads me to another topic:  Dating is hard.  To this day, I sometimes still question whether or not I’m into someone, especially after a first date.  Yes, I doubt myself a lot.  But I believe that doubt was put there, by people who said to me over the years, “You never know, Carrie!”
Or they tell me, “Well, how are you supposed to know if you like him or not, if you don’t go out with him again?”
"Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them."  - Dream for an Insomniac

“Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them.”
– Dream for an Insomniac

I don’t know, maybe it’s because I know better than the person who isn’t coming out on the dates with me?!  

How would they know when they are not in my shoes?

Attraction is this simple: If I don’t have any desire to climb over the table and make out with my date, then I’m just not that into him.  PERIOD.

And to me, attraction is a lot of things all joined together.  It’s their voice, their style, the way they treat me, they way they look, and they way they handle themselves on a date.

Oh, I know…most of you reading this are probably saying, “Oh, Carrie, love develops over time, and you could be passing on a really nice guy.

You know what I have to say about that?  Clearly, those who say that, have never felt “zing.”   It’s animalistic and doesn’t takes words or actions to know that you are attracted to that person.  You just feel it.  You know it.  There is no doubt.  There is no rhyme or reason.  It just happens.

They also have never had a man slide his hand around their waist, then around the back of their head with his other hand, through your hair, and get pulled in for a slow, deep kiss–a kiss that made them forget who they are, and where they were.  A kiss so deep, it made them dizzy with endorphins and slammed their hormones into over-drive.

In my Carrie way, I have gone all over the place in the post, but I’m going to end it with these last words, as a reminder to myself, my followers and to Dentyne Smile:  There are some people who have convinced themselves that the “zing” factor is only found in movies.  It might be true, but you’ll never find “zing” if you keep going after people who either are not that into you, or you’re not that into them.

Chemistry isn’t found in a two-dimensional profile on a dating website.

Chemistry is a person’s voice, it’s the way they walk, the sound of their laugh, they way they smell, and the way they smile at you.

You can’t experience those things online.

My two cents?  Get off the dating sites, stop hiding behind your computer, get out there, and go ask someone out on a dang date.

Life isn’t about playing it safe.  It’s about going after what you want, whether it makes sense or not.



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