Top 5 Dating Deal Breakers

My Mamma always said that in every relationship it’s important to make concessions.  You have to be willing to accept some things you don’t necessarily agree with, because nobody is perfect.

Let’s face it, I’m picky, as my girlfriends like to point out, and frankly, I have every right to be picky.  I like what I like, and that’s that.

At the encouragement of said friends, I have loosened up my strict list of “I would never’s” because as I have learned, you should never say never.

Like ever.

Why?  Because if you have a rigid check list, like I once did, eventually, you’ll be eating your own damn words.

Hey, I like to believe that it’s the Universe playing a joke on me, when I say “I would never date a guy that _______” and then I end up dating said guy.

Luckily, I like to think I have a good sense of humor.

I have a good sense of humor

Here is the short list of some of the things my girlfriends have reminded me I have said in the past:

“Oh, I would never date a smoker.”

Check!

“Oh, I could never date someone who doesn’t drink.”  

I don’t know where my head was on that one…check!

“Oh, I would never date an older guy.” 

It was only 11 years, but it felt like 20…check-check!

“Oh, I would never date a younger guy.” 

Age is just a number, right?  Check…

Oh, I would never sleep with someone on the second date.” 

Don’t judge.  And, let’s face it, sometimes hormones can take over all rational thinking.

“Oh, I could never date someone who had two kids, and never married the mother.” 

Guilty, but I wasn’t happy about it.

However! Out of all the, I-would-never’s, which have been heavily discussed among my girlfriends (and of course, my mother), there are certain deal breakers, which we all agreed that nobody should ever make concessions for.

Like, everrrrrrrrrrr…..

These are not red flags.  These go way beyond the cautionary bell that goes off in your head.  These are the ones where your conscience should be screaming the following:

  • Pack up your shit and leave!
  • Hit the eject button!
  • Bang the gong!
  • Sound the alarm!
  • Run for your life!
  • Stop, drop, and roll right the eff on outta there!

Unfortunately, yours truly *pointing at herself* has experienced all of these except, thankfully,#1.

(Thank you baby, Jesus.)

For the record, I really wanted to name this blog post:

“I am Not Desperate Enough for You, Mo-Fo”

…but people like lists…so here they are…

 

#5  HE HAS A NAME FOR HIS PENIS

I once dated a guy who proudly shared with me that he nick-named his penis, Woody.  He actually talked to it.  It was weird.  I felt like I was dealing with a 5th grader, instead of a man who wanted to date me.  It was juvenile, and all I could think about was if he would be talking to “Woody” during sex?

Not cute.

Next!

#4  HE THINKS HIS NAME MIGHT BE LISTED ON A DON’T-DATE-THIS-GUY WEBSITE:

I once had dinner with a extremely good-looking guy, who was suspect for just being that good-looking, but I went on the date with him anyway. We were in the middle of swapping dating stories (a big no-no on a first date) and for the hell of it, I shared with him that I found a guy I was dating, on http://www.DontDateHimGirl.com.  Without hesitation, my date reached for his cell phone and Googled the website and said…and I quote…

“Hold on, I’m going to look it up, and see if my name is on there.”

Did he really think that I hadn’t done that already?  Silly boy.  Apparently, he was all looks, and no brains…but it sure was fun to watch his reaction.

#3  HE REACHES FOR YOUR BOOBS ON THE FIRST, SECOND OR THIRD DATE:

If any guys does this, he’s not a gentleman, and has no self-control.  Who needs to date someone with a grade-school mentality?  Not me.  And, not you.

He is a pig and who wants that?

I can assure you, most likely he also has a nickname for his penis.

Oink!

Oink!

(I apologize to all the pigs out there, you get such a bum deal here.)

#2  HIS DATING PROFILE SAYS HE WILL DATE BETWEEN THE AGES OF 18 – ?:

I’ve asked guys this very question: “Why does your profile say you’d date between the ages of 18-?  Aren’t you a little old to be dating an 18-year old?”

Time, and time again, the response is, “I don’t know how to change it. I’ve tried,” which, as we all know, is total bullshit.  (See #3)

Cruising teenagers, is a deal breaker.  The only thing a guy in his 20’s, 30’s, 40’s or 50’s would have with an 18-year old, is emotional maturity.

See ya!!!

The #1 spot is not something I have experienced personally.  I did, however, happen to two of my friends on separate occasions and different guys.  I thought it was a fluke that it happened to my friend in New York, but when it happened to my friend in California, this is probably something guys do, which girls are not aware.

Therefore, it take the #1 spot.

#1  IF YOU SLEEP OVER HIS HOUSE AND YOU DISCOVER A “PISS JAR” NEXT TO HIS BED 

As my NY friend, so eloquently described the moment she discovered her guy’s “piss jar” next to his bed:

stupid

 

“It’s the moment when you realize that the ‘I’m with stupid’ t-shirt is pointing at you.”

Apparently, this guy picked up this disgusting idea of using a mason jar as a late night “piss jar” from his elderly father.   Who does that?  If you can’t walk down to the bathroom in the middle of the night because you are that lazy, then you sure as hell don’t deserve a girlfriend.

Ladies, if this ever happens to you, this is when you tell the asshole to open up the window, so you can jump out.

Sheesh!

NEXT!

~Carrie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How Does Lucky, Get So Unlucky?

LUCKY:  I really need some nonjudgmental advice.

CARRIE:  Hit me.

LUCKY:  That guy I told you about, well things were going great, he calls and texts me all the time, but when it came down to seeing me on the days he didn’t have his kid (which was last Monday & Wednesday) he was either tired or I don’t know, something came up – haven’t seen him since last Tuesday after he dropped his kid off.  He says he wants to take it slow, but I really can’t do the every-other-weekend thing, when it’s clear we could be spending more time together.

CARRIE:  Honey…he’s just not that into you and the fact that he says he wants to take it slow is a good way of saying it.  He likes the attention you give him, but that’s it.  Let me ask you this:  When you like someone, you want to see them all the time, right?  And when you aren’t really into someone, what do you do?

LUCKY:  Exactly!!!!  That’s what I said to him.  He is self-centered on his feelings.  Haven’t heard from him today and I’m fine with leaving it as is.  Just kinda hurts the one time I really am interested [in someone].  BAM.  Another asshole.

CARRIE:  It just sounds like he is lonely and if he up to seeing you, he does.  But that’s it.  I’m going to remind you what Nathan said to me one time, and I know this is super hard to implement, but you need to hear this again:  “You gotta act like every guy means pretty much nothing until one does a back-flip off a 60-story building with flowers and chocolates in his hands.  These are not games.  Just sorting out the weak.  You wanna mate with the lions, not with the cubs.”

LUCKY:  Got it!  But the ones who do this are the ones I have no chemistry with… I wish I could change the thing inside me that chooses the wrong ones I’m attracted to!

CARRIE:  The first rule of changing a pattern is acknowledging it.  Look at the bright side, at least you are recognizing it at the beginning, instead of after the fact, when it’s too late.  Look, don’t be angry at this guy.  He’s not a bad person just because he doesn’t feel the chemistry with you.  Just see it for what it is and move on without any hard feelings.  Dating is all about figuring out if you like someone or not.  Look at it like interviewing for a job…you are not always going to hire who you interview, right?  The same goes for dating.

LUCKY:  I know, but I’m not texting him or calling him.  If he calls or texts me, I will respond very nicely.  He should not put “wants long-term relationship” [on his profile] when he clearly is not ready.  He found me and my profile is pretty clear.

CARRIE:   Honey, I hate saying this…he wants a relationship, just not with you.  Because, if he did, you would have heard from him by now and he would have apologized to you.

I know that probably hurt Lucky to read that, but, as a friend, my duty is to be straight-up honest with her.   I could be wrong about this guy, but as far as I’m concerned all of his behavior is pointing in one direction.   A guy who is into her would never keep her guessing simply out of fear of losing her.    He would have done everything to make it up to her.  She just needs to cut him off and move on.

Anyone who is in this dilemma, I’m telling you, it’s really this simple:  Actions speak louder than words.

~Carrie

Big Earrings, Big Ego – One Big Red Flag

My friend Lizzie likes looking for potential dates for me on  www.PlentyofFish.com.  She knows that I’m close to giving up, so she looks for me.

Every once in a while she’ll send me a text when she thinks she has found someone suitable.  The problem is, we hardly ever agree on anyone.  She thinks I’m too picky, but look at what I have to work  with –  in the world of dating, Plenty of Crap is considered to the bottom of the barrel.  I also know what I like, and what I don’t like, plus I can spot a red flag a mile away…

LIZZIE:  POF…Toast74.

CARRIE:  Are you sure that is right?

LIZZIE:  Toasty74.

CARRIE:  Not cute.

LIZZIE:  I know, but looks are not everything…*cough-cough*  HDG

CARRIE:  Hot Dog Guy had a deep voice.  That trumps a lot.

LIZZIE:  OK…POF  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.  6’4″ and an “alpha male.” LOL

I take a look at this guy’s profile.  It reads as follows:

Non-Smoker with Athletic body type / Non-Religious / 36-year old Man, 6′ 4″/ Caucasian Aquarius with Brown hair / Is looking for a relationship/ Masters degree

About Me

Hello, everyone. Hoping to meet a wonderful person that is a keeper. I am an alpha male that is happy and successful without being a workoholic nor abrasive. The company I started back in 2002 has tripled. We search for new and unique talent in various mediums of television and radio. Its exciting.

My type of woman would have personality, charm and be much deeper than watching a football game. A lady that lights up a room, has many friends and loves her family. A dog lover a must as I have two big guard dogs, Dobies, that love to run my 2 acres as well as go everywhere with me. Cats OK.

Kids never fit into my life’s plan so I have none nor desire a womans’ unless they are teens or older.

I am a true Aquarius. Fun, full of surprises, electric. With the moon in Leo, I am loyal to a fault, big hearted and happiest in a healthy relationship. Well, that’s it for now. Hope to hear from you soon!

CARRIE:  I think this guy may have bad teeth – he doesn’t show his teeth when he smiles.  Bad sign.  Just sent him email.

LIZZIE:  He’ll respond.

CARRIE:  Not sure I can deal with the two earring thing and his big ego.

LIZZIE:  He needs to be taken down a few notches anyway.

Before I let you read my correspondence with dude, I need to point out something in my own profile, which he referenced:

“PS:  I make the best oatmeal-raisin cookies this side of the Mississippi!” 

Cute, right?  Well, I do make the best oatmeal-raisin cookies – just ask Nathan. I mention the cookies, because I figured it would be lighthearted and cute…seeing all guys love cookies.

After reviewing this guy’s profile, the only thing he had going for him was his height.  Other than that he seemed like an arrogant tool.  And, believe me, unless you see someone smiling in their pictures, always assume they have bad teeth.

I send him an email just for shits and giggles – but I’m sincere.

2/25/2012 8:50:22 AM

You said, “I am loyal to a fault, big hearted and happiest in a healthy relationship.”  Are you sure you are not a Cancer, Mr. Aquarius?

You have an interesting profile, but what stood out to me the most was what I listed above.

(Attached are two pictures of me.)

2/25/2012 10:06:21 AM

cancer men are needy, sensitive and quite weak in my opinion. i am polar opposite… you need to brush up on your astrology and cut back the cookies… lol

I know!  I thought the same thing.  What an ass, right?  I couldn’t believe how rude he was.  I need to stay away from the cookies?  And, did he not notice that I’m also a Cancer?  How rude.  I sent Lizzie his reply.

LIZZIE:  He did not!  What an ass.  He needs the “Carrie take-down”!

CARRIE:  Oh, trust me, it’s on!

*CRACKS KNUCKLES*

2/25/2012 11:28:14 AM

Maybe I do need to brush up on my astrology…

Just so you know, I’m definitely a Cancer – you know that “weak” and “needy” sign that clearly you have a disdain for, however, my rising sign is in Aries. You know – the fire sign, first in the zodiac who can be frank and direct.

So, on that note, let me ask you, what sign is rude, arrogant, self-absorbed and lacks tact? It must be Aquarius, right?  Although, Leo thinks he’s king of the jungle and everything is about him.

Maybe you need to put down your astrology book, stop generalizing, and brush up on your social skills and tact.   LOL

2/25/2012 2:05:24 PM

1st off your shady by not having a pic on your profile. next i get 30 e-mails a day by well mannered women of all zodiac signs. they are the fabric of good manners and honesty. cancers such as joni mitchell are lost children, aries rising or not. look at your poor attempt to retort, case in point. only the rejected think i am arrogant. good day

2/25/2012 4:03:42 PM

Rejected? Is that how you “reject” someone?  Oh, really?  So, being an ass is how you reply to someone who was being nice and sincere?  Wow, your mother must be SO PROUD!

And, by the way, Mr. “Executive,” maybe you should go back to school and learn how to write, spell, use proper grammar and punctuation.   “Your” is only used in the possessive form, whereas, “you’re” is the abbreviation for “YOU ARE.”  You call yourself an executive?  You can’t even put together a well-written paragraph.

I think you over-looked the fact that I’m a writer.  I was just throwing out the bait to see if you’d take a bite.  And, you did.  Rejected?  I’d rather chew glass than date someone like you, someone who obviously has a huge chip on his shoulder towards women, plus you wear larger earrings than I do.

Insecurity, and feeling the need to prove yourself, is written all over your profile – I’m all set.

Thanks for the material!

PS:   Talking about astrology in your profile really makes you look like a nut.

After that he blocked me.   Shocking right?  Well, he had it coming – if he can’t take it, he shouldn’t dish it.

NEXT!

Hope for the Best, But Prepare for the Worst!


MARY:  Here’s one for ya. This is a text I received last night from one of the losers a few weeks ago:  “I need help.  I’m officially out on the streets.  Have no place to stay tonight. Can you help me?

CARRIE:  What?????  OMFG!  You met him on what site?  You really need to get the hell outta Los Angeles.

MARY:  OK Cupid.

CARRIE:  Did you ever meet him in person?  Scammer, mother fucker…like he has no friends – he has to turn to a stranger??  You?!

MARY:  Yes, I had one cup of tea with him for an hour.  He’s one of the ones I told you about.

CARRIE:  Creep.

MARY:  Broke ass.  Get a fucking hotel.  Seriously.  I ignored it completely.  Loser.

CARRIE:  What did he say he did for a living?

MARY:  He’s a writer, apparently.  TV and film.  Just moved here.  And then, at the same time, lost the job he was working on and lost his place to stay, too.  That was over a week ago that I kissed him off.  Wished him luck, but told him it’s clearly not good-timing to date him in the unstable state he’s in.  Then I got that out of the blue last night.  Horrifying!  Really?!!

CARRIE:  WTF?  Like he has no family or friends that can wire him money?  I’ll tell you what he doesn’t have…SHAME!

MARY:  Totally.  Always something new and surprising in the world of Internet dating.  And, what would have happened if he knew where I lived?  Creep, is right.

CARRIE:  Did you list how much money you make on your profile? Maybe he was looking for a Sugar Mama?!  *winks*

MARY:  Nope.

CARRIE:  Thankfully, I haven’t had that problem here.

MARY:   You have my permission to blog about it.

CARRIE:  Do you still have all your correspondence with him?  Pictures??

MARY:   Let me see, hang on.

MARY:  He deleted his profile!!!

CARRIE:  And there ya go…..

If there is any advice I can give to those of you who are online dating, it’s that you please cross all your “T’s” and dot all your “I’s” when dating.

Be diligent.

Be smart.

Get their full name and where they live and Google the snot out of it before you meet.  Talk to them on the phone and make sure your friends know all about your date before you meet them.

I’ll let you in on a little secret.  For a variety of reasons, I always snag a few pictures of a guy I’m going to go out with as well as his full profile.  I do this because sometimes I forget details (I do that a lot), plus friends always want to see who the man is behind the nickname.  And, rather than logging into the dating website to view their profile over-and-over like a damn stalker, I look at what I have saved on my computer instead.  And, it’s safer to have that information readily available, just in case you need it.  Like Mary always said about dating, “Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.”

Had Mary copied this guy’s information before her date, my new post might have been written a little differently.  Because, you know me! I would have posted his sorry-ass mug up on my blog  for the whole world to see just what a scam artist looks like.

*SHAKES HEAD*

Some people have no shame.

And, hopefully, I’m right about this guy – that he’s really not this nice, sweet man who is now homeless.   I’ve been known to fall for that kind of stuff.  I’m pretty gullible over the years, but would like to think I’m getting better at detecting bullshit these days.

*PAUSES*

Did I ever tell you about the sociopath I dated?  Ya, that was fun.  He had me convinced he had a brain tumor.

He also had me convinced that he wasn’t married…

Mother.

Next!

Don’t Date Him Girl: John Nicholson

“The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.”

Albert Einstein

LAGF: I got a funny story for you.  You know that guy you went out with “John”..bald guy, etc..?

CARRIE:  What guy? Do tell! I’m in bed with the flu.  😦 

LAGF:  Ucky…drink Theraflu. He lives allegedly lives in New York and Los Angeles? Bald guy, you met him on Match?  Nicholson…

CARRIE: Ah, John Nicholson…the actor.  Ya…never did meet him. We only did spoke through email and text.  Never did like actors….so what’s the story?

LAGF:  Well, like a year and a half ago, or two years, I went for a drink with him. At Thanksgiving, he comes to our house….with his prego fiancee (also, the fiance is my BF’s good friend). Sad, because according to her they have been together for 5 years. I did not say anything to her, but it just made me think….

CARRIE:  Interesting!  I always thought he was sketchy, and that’s why I didn’t go out of my way to meet up with him.  He’s too desperate to be noticed as an actor….to get laid….to have a girlfriend…etc.  I just checked out his Facebook page – his girlfriend, Luana, is all over his wall. I noticed that nobody else writes anything on there.  I blocked his posts a while back, simply because I got tired of reading all of his self-promotion shit.  I actually forgot about him.  So, your BF is friends with his GF? And, she said they’ve been together for 5 years? He wanted me to meet him about 3 years ago, I think.  Maybe less than that.  How does your BF know Luana?

LAGF:  Sweetheart, the girlfriend is Jennifer.  Who is Luana? 

CARRIE:  OMG.  Well then, who is THIS chick who is ALL OVER his Facebook page?!  



LAGF:  That’s not who was at Thanksgiving with John!

CARRIE:  OMG…so that’s not the chick who showed up?!  What a dirt bag.  Seriously, check out his Facebook page – she is the only person commenting on there and is totally caught up in him!

LAGF:  I don’t care that much to look, but the prego girlfriend is a sweetheart.  Comment, “Congrats on your new baby and engagement.”  LOL

CARRIE:  Chick, don’t even dare me, because you know I will!  Are you sure we are talking about the same guy?  John Nicholson…dude in the photo?!   I noticed he doesn’t have any friends on FB named Jennifer….  Wow…living a total double life.  I knew I didn’t like him.

Look, nobody’s perfect.  People cheat every day, right?  So why did this bother me so much?  I figured it was because I have been the one who has had the wool pulled over their eyes, and it’s the worst feeling in the world.  I was totally humiliated.  People didn’t want to get involved or go out of their way to tell me the truth when I was the one who was being cheated on, so in the end,  I was the one who suffered.  It took me a long time to get over it – the humiliation, not the lie.

I felt bad for both Luana and Jennifer, but mostly for Jennifer, because I later found out she was about two weeks away from giving birth to John’s baby.  And, based upon my correspondence with Luana (yes, I emailed her on Facebook) she believed she was the only woman in John’s life.

It’s a shitty thing to do to someone…lie and toy with someone’s heart strings.  It’s really despicable – people who do this are selfish and cruel.

I eventually emailed John and told him that I knew he was double dipping in the “engagement” department.  As expected, he skirted the truth and used deflection rather than owning up to his bad behavior.  A real shocker, right?

The pregnant girlfriend, Jennifer, and I also emailed back and forth shortly after my LA girlfriend spoke to her on the phone. It was sad that John, at 47-years old, couldn’t own up the truth, and despite being caught he insisted to Jennifer that he didn’t even have a Facebook account!  Well, that sucked for him, because I sent Jennifer the Facebook emails John and I had exchanged.  Clearly, John didn’t think she deserved to know the truth, but I did.

Had the http://www.dontdatehimgirl.com website still be working today, I would have put John’s sorry mug up on there. It was a great website to warn other women not to date dirt-bags like John.  But, you can no longer post someone’s profile on there, so now I have to use my own blog, because you and I both know, this ain’t over.  He’ll be up to his old dirty antics soon enough, but I’m secretly hoping that having this baby will change him.  One can only hope.

I wonder, if more people had a sense of shame, would our society that we live in today be a better place?

This is why it takes a village.

~Carrie

“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”  ~Buddha~


 

K9 Cop

We won’t break tradition, so this guy’s nickname is K9 Cop.  Why?  Well, take a wild guess.

“Hi. I’m fairly new to all this so writing to someone I’ve never met is still strange. I’m not looking to jump into bed or date a million girls. Just one. I liked your profile and I hope I don’t sound like a dumb ape when I say your beautiful. I hope you write back.”

Most cops are not the best spellers, so I’m not going to hold it against him – although having a good command of the English language has always a big turn-on.

Maybe he has some other redeeming qualities?

Let’s take a look at his pictures:

Okay, not my type…

Oh, God. He’s got the annoying kissie-face pictures and it was taken in the car, no less.   And, he’s not even wearing his seat-belt…

The infamous mirror photo!  Dear God…Annoying as hell.

Too many of this self-photos tells me he has no friends.

He looks as big as a house.  Maybe spends just a little bit too much time at the gym?

He’s definitely got an older “Jersey Shore” look going on.

Not a fan.

I look further at his profile he’s 41-years old, 6’1″, a police officer, looking for a long-term relationship, and loves animals.

Here’s what he wrote:

“I’m not looking to jump into bed or date a different woman every night. I’m just looking for one really good one. I love animals and even have a German Shepherd who works with me, so please like animals. I’m not a big bar or club guy. Like the gym, dinner, movies, anything is nice with right person. If you were ever a “dancer” or have boob implants bigger than your head than your probably not for me. Gonna try this one more time.”

 

I almost wrote back to him and said, “So, as long as my ‘boob implants’ aren’t bigger than my head, you’d still consider me?

*GIGGLES*

Who says that?  I really wasn’t interested in him – that stupid mirror photo always throws me off, because you know that picture has been sent to several people.

I’m not stupid.

Nothing really appealing to me on his profile, except wait…what is that?!

What is that?! Oh, my God. It’s a baby deer…..ohhhhhhh!!!!!!  A baby deer on his bed!!!!!!!!!

OK, maybe he does have a big heart and loves animals.  What’s there not to like about a guy who let’s a baby deer into his home – and sleeps on his bed?

How freaking cute!!

So, I write back to him and ask him to tell me the story about the baby deer. (I know there is no love match here, but I was a little bored.) He writes back and says he saw a dead deer on the side of the road one day, and out of the corner of his eye he saw the fawn laying next to it’s dead mother.  He stops, picks up the fawn, brings it home and has been feeding it goat milk for the past four weeks.

Animal lover – redeems everything I didn’t like about him – even the mirror photo!

*DING!*

We email back and forth a few times, then he asks for my number.  I’m in the Catskill Mountains for the weekend where there really is no reception, so talking on the phone was out of the question. I give up my digits and we start texting.

For the first week, I noticed that all we did was text, but he did ask me out to dinner, he just didn’t say when.

Pro:  He asked me out to dinner early on.

Con:  He never asked anything about myself.  I was always the one asking questions.

A few days go by, more random texting – he tells me how busy he is rescuing dogs and that his ten chickens on his property (he rescued from the slaughter house) were just eaten by something while he was away.  How horrible!  I send my condolences, he’s literally heart-broken – well as much as I can tell by his texts!

I ask about the baby deer, he sends me these:

He also tells me that the follow week he will have a few days off, and that’s when we can go out to dinner.

Pro:  He’s not asking to meet for coffee.

Con:  He didn’t say which days he had off – which is sketchy.

The next day, he checks in with me…via text of course!

K9Cop:  Send me a photo.

Carrie:  Of what?!

K9Cop:  Of you, silly!

Oh. Well, hell…I’m at work – in work mode, with a new phone….I’ve got a few pictures of my dog on there, another one of my new pair of Birkenstock’s I just bought – the picture of Gail’s new baby, what else do I have?  Nothing.

So, I tell him I’m snapping a quickie photo – I’m stressed, just picked up lunch and I have to get back into my office.

Carrie:  This is all you get!  The smile is fake, because it is fake.  Gotta run.

And he sends me this:

Pro:  He’s wearing a shirt.

Con:  He’s not smiling.  I’ve noticed he never smiles in any of his photos.

 

*Watches red flag wave in the wind*

Another week goes by of texting. Why hasn’t he call me yet?   Shouldn’t he be making plans with me for dinner?  “Next week” is fast approaching!

Saturday, I’m  the Hen House pool party.  The texts start…I’m two Sangria’s in and then the back-and-forth flirting with K9 Cop ensues.

Carrie:  I’m at my friend’s pool hanging out for the day.  What are you up to?

K9Cop:  I’m at the gym.

Christ almighty!  He looks like he’s going to burst out of his skin!  But, I am an arm girl and I haven’t had sex since…

CARRIE:  Jesus!  Can you please warn me before you send a picture like that?

K9 COP:  LOL!

CARRIE:  Hey, call me.

K9 COP:  I’ll be home at 7:00pm.

Then…he sends another…

And then another…

CARRIE:  When am I going to get my phone call?  It’s 8:00pm.

K9COP:  I’ve gone 5 miles in 40 minutes.  Traffic is really bad.

(Totally suspect!  But I play along.  Whatever – I’ve drank three glasses of Sangria…I’m feeling no pain.)

Then, I get another…..

Okay, that one,  almost sent me over the edge  And, I’m sure I was annoying my friends by saying, “Oh, my God…I want sex!  I can’t stand it!  WHY do I have to go without sex?  Why ME?!  Twice in six months is not right.

And then…….yes, he sends me ANOTHER picture:

K9COP:  This was before I cropped it.

And that, my friends, is where he made a mistake.

Big mistake.

For the record, it was 9:00pm and he still had not called.  One thing I learned over the years is that you need to take a real close look at pictures, because you can usually see something they don’t want you to see.

CARRIE:  I was hoping you would have called by now. *sigh* I want to know who this man is with the big heart and arms. Why haven’t you called yet?

 

K9 COP:  LOL…and the messed up phone that loses all my contacts.

 

CARRIE:  ….and keeps resending pictures you’ve already sent me in the middle of the night!  But, still I’m a straight shooter.  If you want something bad enough, you’ll make it happen.  So, which leaves me to believe…

 

K9 COP:  OK.  Happy straight shooting.

 

CARRIE:  Wow, just like that?  That’s okay because I knew that wasn’t your lipstick on the counter…or hair products….or cat in the last photo you sent to me.

 

K9 COP:  That’s a magic marker from my niece.  It is my cat and my Mom’s stuff.  I told you I stay there during the week.  So take care.

He has 4 dogs at his house….and stays at his mother’s house during the week?  Who leaves their dogs overnight?  And what about the DEER???? Unless, he lives with his Mamma.  Regardless, I wasn’t buying it.

 

CARRIE:  No, you didn’t say anything like that.  Remember, we’ve never spoken on the phone and it was a L’Oreal lipstick that was on the bureau.

 

K9 COP:   My phone keeps losing all my numbers and I’m working 16 hours a day.  Then you call me a liar???  Good-bye.

 

CARRIE:  Then you should have been more forthcoming. You are not interested in me – you clearly just are into the attention.  You know NOTHING about me.  All you want to do is send body photos.  What am I supposed to think?   Your last few comments and how quickly you get defensive, speaks volumes about you.

 

K9 COP:  I haven’t sent any pictures to you, except that one time.  I’m busy rescuing animals and working. You called me shallow and a liar.  I am neither.  So if I came off nasty I had a reason.

(And he said he wouldn’t read my last text–so predictable.)

That was the end of K9 Cop.

NEXT!!

~Carrie

On-line Dating: Always Entertaining!

Oh, the joys of on-line dating!  I’ve been corresponding with a few people here and there, but it’s sh*t like this that takes the cake!

CARRIE: Thanks for your email. I like what I read in your profile, but why do you only have one photo?

BRANDON: Questioning my age and whether the photo is real or not is understandable – I suppose; but since you seem to have doubts about me already, I don’t think we are a good fit. Too bad–you’re a gorgeous woman.

What kind of sh*t is that?  A perfect example of a fake profile!  He knew that’s where our conversation was leading to and he wouldn’t be able to provide anymore photo’s of himself. This is the kinda of crap that I have to weed through.

This guy is probably a bored married man, sitting in his office cubicle, hiding behind his fake profile, and looking for some company on-line.  Mother!  Oh, and by the way, he deleted his profile after our last communication – or did he block me?

My friend, Mary, wrote this response to a guy that was clearly clueless:

MARY:  I think you might have winked me twice! I honestly don’t usually respond to those who don’t have much filled out in their profile – did you know there are fake profiles on here? 🙂 Usually the ones that are that short and don’t have much filled out are ones to beware of, but I get the feeling you’re not one of them. And by the way, you’re quite handsome.

RICH:  Thanks. Don’t be so jaded.

Excuse me?  What did he just say?  Prrrrrrrrick!  Mary, I can see the red, warning flag being hoisted up the pole already! 

*salutes*

RICH:  You’re already in “defense” mode via your email, which is a turn-off.  Lighten up. No one owes you anything on here.

Lighten up?  Oh, he did not just say that.  He’s a “Let-Me-Make-You-Feel-Like-There’s-Something-Wrong-With-You,” fucker. 

Can I say “fucker” on here?

MARY:  Not jaded, and not really good of you to say that when you don’t know me – I’m careful, as a woman should be.  Maybe when you reach my age, you’ll understand.

RICH:  Careful of what?

Clearly, he’s oblivious AND insensitive.  Tell him, Mary, careful of those pricks like you!

MARY:  You’re completely mistaken, and don’t tell people to lighten up when you don’t know them – you don’t know the types of freaks on here that contact me.  My email was fairly sweet and open; it was just explaining why I didn’t respond the first time.  Good luck with speaking like that to the women on here, apparently, you need someone who is a bit more naive.

And then she told me she blocked him.  LOVE the “block” option.

On-line dating….IS SUCH A JOY!

~Carrie