The Best Bitter Plenty of Fish Dating Profile

If there is one lesson I have learned when it comes to online dating, it’s that you should never write anything negative in your profile.  A good profile is written honestly and should be written while you are in a happy state of mind.  The rule of thumb is that if you are a happy place, you will attract happy people.  It’s as simple as that.

I’ve had many people ask me to help with their dating profiles and most of them just need a little tweaking.

The first things I recommend:  Less is more.  If I see 22 pictures posted on your profile, I will suggest taking most of them down, because all you really need is a close-up, a full body shot and one of your favorites for good measure.   That’s all you need, just three pictures.   The problem with too many pictures is that people get caught up in putting themselves display, thinking that more is more.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s not.  Less is more.  A profile is an introduction, not your life story.  Leave them wanting more.

My friend John sent me the link to a profile that is a complete nightmare.  She breaks all the rules of attracting a good man.  Clearly, she is bitter and angry about something and has only embarrassed herself by posting such blatant disrespect and disdain towards the opposite sex.

I couldn’t red-line her profile, so I decided to just dissect her jaw-dropping comments with my own comments:

Is there just ONE cute and humble man out there?

About Me

Is there ONE handsome, sexy, clean looking guy out there with hair, a sense of humor, and some integrity who is not a materialistic workaholic braggart, mama’s boy, drunk, whoremoneger, Godless heathen, bald goateed tattooed freak, or insane sports fanatic? In a nutshell, a real man who is NOT an ***hole? Crickets…

I assume you got the part where she doesn’t like bald men?  Because clearly they are just so ugly and nasty looking.  Take Dwayne Johnson for instance:

Dwayne Johnson

Yuck!  He just looks so dirty with all those tattoos.  Wimpy even and certainly uninviting….

*FANNING MYSELF* 

And what about Ed Harris?????  He defines sexy baldness–at any age.

Who wouldn’t want to get naked with Jason Statham?

*PURRING*

jason-statham

You’re going to tell me that she would kick Boris out of bed?

Boris-Kodjoe-a

Well in my fantasy dream world I am looking for an honest, attractive, clean man who doesn’t look like Mr. Clean. Sorry, but bald does NOT do it for me. Why do we get inundated with what we are least attracted to? I honestly think bald men can’t read. No hair, no response. Not looking for a friend with benefits, looking for a friend with class, integrity, ethics, loyalty, humor, and once again, hair. A guy who likes to stay fit and active, lives a healthy lifestyle, and likes do fun things. A guy not hung up on himself or obsessed with his career and worldly possessions.

Translation:  She hates her job and has nothing to show for her miserable existence here on Earth, and people who have worked hard and have nice things intimidate her, which makes her feel uncomfortable.

A guy who works to live, not lives to work. I am finally free as a butterfly and I am not looking for a stifling commitment by any means, but I certainly will not share a man with another woman or women. I have too much dignity and self-respect for that and I’m looking for a guy with integrity who’s looking for the same. Mutual chemistry is an absolute must and I will not settle for less.

Did she just say “stifling commitment”?  Yet, she’s not willing to share a man with another woman.   Are you confused yet, because I am!

No picture then I will rightfully assume your are an adulterer or scuz and I want no part of either.

Can someone please define “scuz” for me, because I thought that was a short hair style for men.  No?

NO PICTURE, NO BALLS, NO HAIR, NO RESPONSE! NO RESPONSE, NO INTEREST!

ALSO, WHEN CREATING A DATING PROFILE, THERE IS NO NEED TO YELL, AND WHEN YOU USE ALL CAPS, IT MEANS YOU ARE YELLING.  It’s also rude and not very lady-like, and, especially, not very POSITIVE POLLYANNA.

Please do not waste my precious time or yours writing me to give me your unsolicited advice and/or opinion of my profile. I don’t need or want your two cents. I want to attract a real man with a backbone and a sense of humor, not a boring wus, so my profile is as I want it.

“Unsolicited advice and/or opinion of my profile”…but she feels free to tell you exactly what she thinks about certain types of men.  Got it.  Well, at least she has changed her political tune, because John told me her profile used to have “no traitorous liberals” inserted everywhere on her profile.

Maybe this is progress? 

I doubt it.  This woman doesn’t need to be dating, she needs a psychiatrist.  She is beyond angry–she’s bitter.  And once again, I will quote my brother, in case all of you have forgotten:  “Dating is supposed to be fun.”

Hopefully, this will be a good reminder to everyone how you do not want to come across in your dating profile.  For those who do want some help, feel free to send me an email at TheRedHeadedWriter@gmail.com.

~Carrie

How to Spot a Crazy Person – Crazy is, As Crazy Does

So much to say about this Facebook thread…

…yet, so little time…

*SHAKES HEAD IN DISGUST*

Tattoo of Boyfriend's Face - Facebook Feed

Tattoo girl needs to get a hobby, or a job, or….how about some new girlfriends, who don’t enable her obsessive/delusional behavior???  I think that would be a good start.

Poor Austin…

Next!

PS: Chick, clean up your room!

Happy Birthday, No I’m Not Having an Affair with Your Boyfriend!

Lit candles

I have a very close friend of mine, who I have known for over 20 years.  The other day I realized that her birthday was fast approaching and that she hadn’t announced any plans yet.  Like most women, I knew she would probably enjoy some sort of surprise birthday party and if I could collaborate with her new boyfriend, all the better.  But first, I had to make sure her boyfriend didn’t already make plans for her yet.

“What are you plans for your birthday, Lisa?”

“Nothing as of yet.  It depends on what my boyfriend has planned.”

I knew Lisa’s relationship was fairly new, so in order to take some of the pressure off of her boyfriend, of only a few months, I thought it might be a good idea to plan something with him.  A few days later, while Lisa was away with him, I texted her to give her boyfriend my phone number, which she did without any hesitation.  She didn’t even ask why, she just gave it to him and then she gave me his.

You know, in this day and age where we have cell phones that automatically lock and need a password, it is a good idea to have the new boyfriend’s phone number just in case.  Think about it.  What if they got into an accident and your friend ended up in the hospital and her parents didn’t live close by?  Who do you think she would want to be notified?

This is not what this post is about, but still I think it’s a good point.

Getting back to my story, the following day, Lisa’s boyfriend and I were exchanging text messages until I decided I couldn’t text anymore.  If we were going to plan a surprise party, we needed to talk, not text.   We came up with a plan and with the help of some of her other  friends, we all got the word out about the surprise party.  Four days later we surprised Lisa with a gathering of her friends for drinks and dancing at a local bar. People had fun and Lisa was over joyed that she had such good friends who would collaborate together without her knowing.

Points for us.

So, why am I bringing this up?   Because arranging a party with your friend’s boyfriend should never be a problem, right?   We are all adults and shouldn’t it be effortless and painless as it was the other day with Lisa’s boyfriend?  I think it should.

Like easy-peasy.

But, as I have recently found out, not all friendships are built on trust and, unfortunately, sometimes innocent intentions can be misconstrued…twisted…discombobulated even when those intentions come from someone like me.

For instance, a few months ago, I also tried collaborating with my friend Lulu’s boyfriend, but unlike Lisa’s party, this one didn’t go so well.   Granted, I didn’t ask Lulu directly for Matt’s number, because I was already friends with Matt on Facebook. To keep her little surprise under the radar, I sent him an email asking for his number.   Lulu didn’t mind that Matt and I were Facebook friends, so why would she mind that I was contacting him, right?

Wrong.

Now, please keep in mind that Lulu and I had not known each other as long as Lisa and I did.  Lulu and I had only been friends a year and a half – possibly two years.  I realize it was nothing compared to the 25 years I have known Lisa, but when you click with someone, you just click.   I am one to trust someone until they give me a reason not to, just like I do in my dating life.  I can’t help it, that’s just how I am.  Trusting…because I am trustable.

Lulu and I had been spending a lot of time together for a year and I already knew all about Matt.  I was even her go-to person whenever the shit hit the fan in her life, which seemed to be quite a lot, but that’s what makes me such a good friend, and, frankly, I like being that supportive friend that you can count on.

I thought me and Lulu we were tight, but I quickly found out that it that wasn’t the case, especially when she found out that I had contacted her boyfriend, Matt without her knowing it.  Unlike Lisa, who had pure joy in her eyes when she found out about planning a party for her with her new boyfriend, Lulu flipped out on me.  I mean, she flipppppped out.

I’ll never forget it.  It was during her birthday and I was sitting on her couch next to Lulu feeling happy and a little glazed over from the wine and birthday cake we were both enjoying.  Everything was going great until  in the middle of one of our many conversations, I leaned over to show her a text I received from the guy we were discussing.

Now, I’m a trusting soul, and out of respect for other people, I don’t do a quick glance-over on someone’s phone, when they show me their phone. I am an honest person, so I stay focused on what they are pointing at.  But not Lulu, because she quickly pointed out Matt’s name in my received text messages.  Immediately, she pulled back and in a very accusatory tone of voice, “What are you doing texting my boyfriend, Carrie?!  How did you get his number!”

Calmly, I explained that it was innocent and that I just wanted to include Matt in her birthday festivities, but she didn’t want to hear it.  She was adamant that I had no business texting her boyfriend without her permission.

I’m sure you can imagine my reaction, because as an adult, I love being reprimanded and treated like a child.

Personally, I like to give people the benefit-of-the-doubt, especially when it’s a close friend, because that’s how I want to be treated.  But when someone starts flying off the handle at me and starts questioning my intention, yes, of course it’s going to piss me off and end up insulting me.

To clear the air and to stop her from doing any more harm to our friendship, I showed Lulu the texts in my phone.  They went as follows:

MATT:  Hi Carrie. Matt here.

CARRIE:  Hello!  Are you going to Lulu’s tonight?

MATT:  Hello…I can’t go tonight, I have the kids.

CARRIE:  Well, that stinks…sorry we won’t see you.

And there you have it folks, four whole lines of texting. Big friggin’ whoop.

The following day I had Lulu explain to me why she all of a sudden went off on me like she did and without really thinking things through.  (It was her birthday after all.)  Her answer was that she had been cheated on before and that she was worried that I was up to no good with her boyfriend.

…up to no good with her boyfriend…

I remember thinking that her remark wasn’t saying a lot about me – or her boyfriend – and she had been dating him for a year!  Clearly, Lulu didn’t trust me or her boyfriend, and you know what they say about relationships with no trust.  They die.

A few months later, Lulu decided come clean about two major lies she had concocted and had me believing for the past year.  Shame on me for being so gullible, but shame on her for taking me for a ride.  Everyone knows I don’t like roller-coaster rides, so I got off of it and gracefully bowed out of the friendship.

LESSON:  If you have been put through the ringer by a past relationship, don’t drag your insecurities and fears around with you.  Deal with them.  Get rid of them.  Move on.  Leave the past in the past.  And most importantly, realize that everyone is different and that nobody should have to pay for what someone else did to you.  And, if ever you want the recipe for ruining a friendship – or any relationship for that matter – just add (2) Cups of doubt and sprinkle it with (1) Tablespoon of contention.

At least Lisa was happy with my effort.

NEXT!