My Mamma always said that in every relationship it’s important to make concessions. You have to be willing to accept some things you don’t necessarily agree with, because nobody is perfect.
Let’s face it, I’m picky, as my girlfriends like to point out, and frankly, I have every right to be picky. I like what I like, and that’s that.
At the encouragement of said friends, I have loosened up my strict list of “I would never’s” because as I have learned, you should never say never.
Why? Because if you have a rigid check list, like I once did, eventually, you’ll be eating your own damn words.
Hey, I like to believe that it’s the Universe playing a joke on me, when I say “I would never date a guy that _______” and then I end up dating said guy.
Luckily, I like to think I have a good sense of humor.
Here is the short list of some of the things my girlfriends have reminded me I have said in the past:
“Oh, I would never date a smoker.”
“Oh, I could never date someone who doesn’t drink.”
I don’t know where my head was on that one…check!
“Oh, I would never date an older guy.”
It was only 11 years, but it felt like 20…check-check!
“Oh, I would never date a younger guy.”
Age is just a number, right? Check…
Oh, I would never sleep with someone on the second date.”
Don’t judge. And, let’s face it, sometimes hormones can take over all rational thinking.
“Oh, I could never date someone who had two kids, and never married the mother.”
Guilty, but I wasn’t happy about it.
However! Out of all the, I-would-never’s, which have been heavily discussed among my girlfriends (and of course, my mother), there are certain deal breakers, which we all agreed that nobody should ever make concessions for.
These are not red flags. These go way beyond the cautionary bell that goes off in your head. These are the ones where your conscience should be screaming the following:
- Pack up your shit and leave!
- Hit the eject button!
- Bang the gong!
- Sound the alarm!
- Run for your life!
- Stop, drop, and roll right the eff on outta there!
Unfortunately, yours truly *pointing at herself* has experienced all of these except, thankfully,#1.
(Thank you baby, Jesus.)
For the record, I really wanted to name this blog post:
“I am Not Desperate Enough for You, Mo-Fo”
…but people like lists…so here they are…
#5 HE HAS A NAME FOR HIS PENIS
I once dated a guy who proudly shared with me that he nick-named his penis, Woody. He actually talked to it. It was weird. I felt like I was dealing with a 5th grader, instead of a man who wanted to date me. It was juvenile, and all I could think about was if he would be talking to “Woody” during sex?
#4 HE THINKS HIS NAME MIGHT BE LISTED ON A DON’T-DATE-THIS-GUY WEBSITE:
I once had dinner with a extremely good-looking guy, who was suspect for just being that good-looking, but I went on the date with him anyway. We were in the middle of swapping dating stories (a big no-no on a first date) and for the hell of it, I shared with him that I found a guy I was dating, on http://www.DontDateHimGirl.com. Without hesitation, my date reached for his cell phone and Googled the website and said…and I quote…
“Hold on, I’m going to look it up, and see if my name is on there.”
Did he really think that I hadn’t done that already? Silly boy. Apparently, he was all looks, and no brains…but it sure was fun to watch his reaction.
#3 HE REACHES FOR YOUR BOOBS ON THE FIRST, SECOND OR THIRD DATE:
If any guys does this, he’s not a gentleman, and has no self-control. Who needs to date someone with a grade-school mentality? Not me. And, not you.
He is a pig and who wants that?
I can assure you, most likely he also has a nickname for his penis.
(I apologize to all the pigs out there, you get such a bum deal here.)
#2 HIS DATING PROFILE SAYS HE WILL DATE BETWEEN THE AGES OF 18 – ?:
I’ve asked guys this very question: “Why does your profile say you’d date between the ages of 18-? Aren’t you a little old to be dating an 18-year old?”
Time, and time again, the response is, “I don’t know how to change it. I’ve tried,” which, as we all know, is total bullshit. (See #3)
Cruising teenagers, is a deal breaker. The only thing a guy in his 20’s, 30’s, 40’s or 50’s would have with an 18-year old, is emotional maturity.
The #1 spot is not something I have experienced personally. I did, however, happen to two of my friends on separate occasions and different guys. I thought it was a fluke that it happened to my friend in New York, but when it happened to my friend in California, this is probably something guys do, which girls are not aware.
Therefore, it take the #1 spot.
#1 IF YOU SLEEP OVER HIS HOUSE AND YOU DISCOVER A “PISS JAR” NEXT TO HIS BED
As my NY friend, so eloquently described the moment she discovered her guy’s “piss jar” next to his bed:
“It’s the moment when you realize that the ‘I’m with stupid’ t-shirt is pointing at you.”
Apparently, this guy picked up this disgusting idea of using a mason jar as a late night “piss jar” from his elderly father. Who does that? If you can’t walk down to the bathroom in the middle of the night because you are that lazy, then you sure as hell don’t deserve a girlfriend.
Ladies, if this ever happens to you, this is when you tell the asshole to open up the window, so you can jump out.