Dumping Someone Can Be, Well, Like Taking a Dump

Over the years I have learned that when it comes to giving advice women and men can be very different.  Women tend to need more emotional support, than men.  Women need to slice it, dice it, chop it, and sometimes mince it down to every tiny detail. Their problems come from an emotional standpoint and their sentences usually start with “I feel…” or “Can you believe…”

I consider myself to be highly sensitive. Empathizing comes very natural to me. Having that ability to feel other people’s emotions can be a blessing and a curse sometimes, because it’s not fun to feel someone grief or sadness, when it’s not your own.  However, when it comes to helping people get through their issues, it can come in real handy.   It’s exhausting at times, but on the upside, it makes me a great friend.  In my circle of friends, I’m known as the go-to person for advice.

Got dumped?

Call Carrie.

Got cheated on?

Call Carrie.

You want to break up with someone?

Call Carrie.

I’m also great with relating to men and their issues dealing with the opposite sex.  I’ve learned that men handle their issues much more different than women when it comes to problem solving.  Men like the straight-up solutions – no fluff.   They don’t need their feelings acknowledged.  They really don’t want to talk or have long drawn out discussions–they just want the answer to their whatever they are dealing with.

Having watched my brother and my cousin use their quick wit and sophomoric analogies to make their point over the years, I caught on how men typically communicated.  It came down to a simple formula:  Take some humor, add some wit, mix it in with a good analogy and voila!  Instant guy talk.

I’ll give you an example.  Last week, John sent me a text saying that he wanted to break-up with his year-long relationship with his girlfriend, but was putting it off because he didn’t know how she would react.  Who could blame him for being apprehensive about it?

Not me.

Break-ups suck. I’ve been through a few myself and to me they are probably one of the worst things most adults have to go through in our life time.

Think about it:  Which would you rather have to go through?

A)  Root canal.

B) Stand up in front of class/work and give an oral presentation that you’re not prepared.

C) Break up with someone you’ve been seeing for a year.

D) Firing someone at work.

At, least when you fire someone you can pass it off as being “just business,” whereas having to break-up is all personal.  And most likely the other person isn’t going to take it very well.  That alone is difficult to deal with.

Will they yell?

Will they cry?

Will they beg?

Will they argue?

Will they find a stick of dynamite and hook it up to your car engine?

It doesn’t matter what you think might happen.  Breakups are just like everything else in life, you just have to face it–head on.

I decided to call John in regards to his dilemma, because I knew there was no way I could help explain to John what he needed to do in regards to his breakup over text.

In the middle of my little “you just have to do it” lecture, I realized that he wasn’t buying it.  He needed me to explain to him using an analogy that he could relate to and what guy can’t relate to poop?

Taking a poop

Okay, not really poop itself, but the act of taking a poop.

“John, you are obviously not happy and avoiding the confrontation. I get that. It’s normal. But you have to do it. Think of it this way:  Breaking up with someone is like taking a big poop….”

“What?!” he said as he started to laugh.

“You heard me, breaking up is like taking a big poop!”

“I can’t believe you just said that.”

“I can’t believe I just said that.”

“Don’t laugh, I’m being serious here,” I said making myself laugh.  “Dumping someone is like taking a dump. Think about it. You know you have do it–maybe you’re scared because it might hurt.  Maybe you just don’t know what might come out of you.  Or like that poop when you’re stuck at the office, you’re feeling anxious and apprehensive because you don’t want someone to walk in while you’re in the stall.

But, John, here is the thing; just like a break-up, you know you have to go do it, and, eventually, you’re going to have to face that fact.  But once it’s done, you’re going to feel soooooo much better.  Am I wrong?”


“Oh, my God…”

“Stop laughing at me, you know I’m right. Take that big dump! Walk into the men’s room, John, and feel confident, because you know soon it will be all over!

He sounded much more confident about breaking up with his girlfriend when we hung up, and agreed that I was right.  He just needed to get it over with.

The next day I heard from John again via text:

JOHN: She took it pretty well…of course she asked if booty calls were an option…

CARRIE:  And, you said…

JOHN: Sure, why not?

CARRIE:  WHAT! Oh, my God, what am I going to do with you…!!!!

Well, I guess that’s going to be my next topic:  “The Danger and Pitfalls of the Post-Break-Up Booty Call.”