I won’t break tradition, so I’ve nicknamed this guy K9 Cop — you know, to protect the innocent….
This was his first email to me on a dating website:
“Hi. I’m fairly new to all this so writing to someone I’ve never met is still strange. I’m not looking to jump into bed or date a million girls. Just one. I liked your profile and I hope I don’t sound like a dumb ape when I say your beautiful. I hope you write back.”
Most cops are not the best spellers, so I wasn’t going to hold it against him. Although, to me, having a good command of the English language has always been a big turn-on — but nevertheless, I will continue…
I have always been one to give someone a fair chance and I like to keep an opened mind, so I figued that this guy may have some redeeming qualities?
I first checked out his pictures — like we all do.
Okay, not my type with the annoying kissie-face picture and taken in the car. Heck, he’s not even wearing his seat-belt…
And then there’s the infamous mirror photo. Dear God, I find that to be annoying as hell.
Too many selfies, tells me he has no friends and a smidge self-absorbed
Clearly, he is as big as a house and spends just a little bit too much time at the gym.
He’s definitely got an older “Jersey Shore” look going on.
Not a fan.
I read his profile and find that he’s 41-years old, 6’1″, a police officer, looking for a long-term relationship and loves animals.
"I'm not looking to jump into bed or date a different woman every night. I'm just looking for one really good one. I love animals and even have a German Shepherd who works with me, so please like animals. I'm not a big bar or club guy. Like the gym, dinner, movies, anything is nice with right person. If you were ever a "dancer" or have boob implants bigger than your head than your probably not for me. Gonna try this one more time."
I almost wrote back to him and said, “So, as long as my “boob implants” aren’t bigger than my head, you’d still consider me?
Who says that? I really wasn’t interested in him. The stupid mirror photo always throws me off, because you and I both know that that picture has been sent to several people.
I’m not stupid.
Nothing really appealing to me on his profile, except wait…what is that?!
What is that?! Oh, my God. It’s a baby deer…..ohhhhhhh!!!!!! A baby deer on his bed!!!!!!!!!
OK, maybe he does have a big heart and loves animals. What’s there not to like about a guy who let’s a baby deer into his home – and sleeps on his bed?
How freaking cute!!
So, I write back to him and ask him to tell me the story about the baby deer. (There is no love match here but I’m a little bored.)
He responds by writing that he saw a dead deer on the side of the road one day and out of the corner of his eye he saw the fawn laying next to it’s dead mother. He stops, picks up the fawn, brings it home and has been feeding it goat milk for the past four weeks.
Animal lover – redeems everything I didn’t like about him – even the mirror photo!
We email back and forth a few times before he asked for my number.
For the first week, I noticed that all we did was text, but he did ask me out to dinner, he just didn’t say when.
Pro: He asked me out to dinner early on.
Con: He never asked anything about me. Nothing. I was always the one asking questions.
A few days go by with more random texting from him. He tells me how busy he is rescuing dogs and that his ten chickens on his property he rescued from the slaughter house were just eaten by something while he was away. How horrible. I send my condolences, he’s literally heart-broken, as much as I can tell by his text messages.
I ask about the baby deer, he sends me these:
He also tells me that the follow week he will have a few days off, and that’s when we can go out to dinner.
Pro: He’s not asking to meet for coffee.
Con: He didn’t say which days he had off.
The next day, he checks in with me, via text message of course.
K9Cop: Send me a photo.
Carrie: Of what?!
K9Cop: Of you, silly!
Oh. Well, hell…I’m at work, in work mode, with a new phone….I only have a few pictures of my dog and another one of my new pair of Birkenstock’s I just bought. I have a picture of my friend’s new baby, what else do I have? Nothing.
I tell him I’m snapping a quick photo of myself and that I’m stressed, just picked up lunch and I have to get back into my office.
Carrie: This is all you get! The smile is fake because I’m running back into my office and it’s beautiful and sunny outside, but I have to work.
He quickly responds with a picture and sends me this:
Pro: He’s wearing a shirt.
Con: He’s not smiling. Another thing that stands out to me is that he never smiles in any of his photos. What’s his deal?
*Watches red flag wave in the wind*
Another week goes by of texting. I wonder why he hasn’t bothered calling me yet. Shouldn’t he be making plans with me for dinner? Next week is fast approaching.
Saturday, I’m the Hen House pool party. The texts from him start coming in. Mind you, I’m two red Sangria’s in hanging with my girl friends.
CARRIE: I’m at my friend’s pool, hanging out for the day. What are you up to?
K9Cop: I’m at the gym.
CARRIE: Jesus! Can you please warn me before you send a picture like that?
K9 COP: LOL!
CARRIE: Hey, call me.
K9 COP: I’ll be home at 7:00pm.
Then…he sends another…
And then another…
CARRIE: When am I going to get my phone call? It’s 8:00pm.
K9COP: I’ve gone 5 miles in 40 minutes. Traffic is really bad.
(Totally suspect. But I play along. Whatever, I’m now three glasses of Sangria in, I’m with my friends pool-side and…I’m feeling just fine.)
Then, I get another…..
Okay, that one, almost sent me over the edge and I was sure I was annoying my friends by saying outloud, “Oh, my God…I want sex. I can’t stand it. WHY do I have to go without sex and be the celibate one? Why?” My friends who are all either married or with someone, clearly have forgotten what it’s like to be single and celibate. They had no sympathy but giggled every time my phone got passed around so they could all see his pictures.
I’m sure he was setting me up for the shock factor and couldn’t wait to hear my response when he sent me ANOTHER picture:
K9COP: This was before I cropped it.
But that, my friends was where he made a mistake.
Big, gianormous mistake.
For the record, it was 9:00pm and he still hadn’t called. One thing I learned over the years is that you need to take a real close look at pictures, because you can usually see something they don’t want you to see.
Or, maybe it’s just me.
I notice everything.
CARRIE: I was hoping you would have called by now. *sigh* I want to know who this man is with the big heart….and arms. Why haven’t you called yet?
K9 COP: LOL…and the messed up phone that loses all my contacts.
CARRIE: ….and keeps resending pictures you’ve already sent me in the middle of the night. But, still I’m a straight shooter. If you want something bad enough, you’ll make it happen. Which leaves me to believe…
K9 COP: OK. Happy straight shooting.
CARRIE: Wow, just like that? That’s okay because I knew that wasn’t your lipstick on the counter…or hair products….or cat in the last photo you sent to me.
K9 COP: That’s a magic marker from my niece. It is my cat and my Mom’s stuff. I told you I stay there during the week. So take care.
Doesn’t he know who he is dealing with? I notice everything. I’m also quick to spot a lie when I see one. He has 4 dogs at his house but wants me to believe he stayed at his mother’s house during the week?
Who leaves their dogs overnight?
What about the baby deer?
Maybe he lived with his Mamma?
Maybe he lived with a girlfriend, which sounded to me more like the truth.
Regardless, I wasn’t buying it.
CARRIE: No, you didn’t say anything like that. Remember, we’ve never spoken on the phone and it was a L’Oreal lipstick that was on the bureau. Not a marker.
K9 COP: My phone keeps losing all my numbers and I’m working 16 hours a day. Then you call me a liar??? Good-bye.
CARRIE: Then you should have been more forthcoming. You’re just doing this for the attention. You know NOTHING about me. All you want to do is send body photos. What am I supposed to think? And now you’re quick to become defensive after a few questions, which speaks volumes about you.
K9 COP: I haven’t sent any pictures to you, except that one time. I’m busy rescuing animals and working. You called me shallow and a liar. I am neither. So if I came off nasty I had a reason.