No Profile Picture Only Could Mean One Thing

I think I’m seriously becoming a professional on-line dater.

I now can spot bullshit a mile away.  If there were any rules of on-line dating, I would say that this would hold the number one spot.

Rule #1:  If you receive an email from someone who doesn’t have a picture – you should RUN!  DELETE!  IGNORE!  DELETE!

Why?  Because anyone who is forthcoming and honest would put at least three pictures up.  At least.  People want you to see who they are – and those who don’t, will make sure they don’t leave any clues or pictures to their real identity.  They hide.

Here, I’ll give you a recent example.  I purposefully communicated with this guy even though he had no pictures, except for this cartoon, and virtually no information on his profile.

SIMPLY_CHEF:  it’s too bad. i have a six speed, a black belt in kissing, but am only 6’0″

CARRIE:  …but no pictures! You must be running from the law.

SIMPLY_CHEF:  sssshhhhhhhhhh…don’t turn me in. please.

CARRIE:  So, what’s the secret all about? A black belt in kissing….six speed…but no pictures…hmmmm….

SIMPLY_CHEF:  no secret….i’ll send you a pic if you want. or we can continue with a little mystery…

So, on that note…ladies, the first thing you want to do is picture the most disgusting man you can think of sitting on the other side writing these emails.

Here I’ll help you:

It certainly takes away any fantasy you might want this guy to look like, right?  Now, let’s continue.

Hey, I’m only here to help…

CARRIE:  I treat pictures-less profiles just like the asian woman at the dry-cleaners does: “No tickie! No shirtie!”

SIMPLY_CHEF:  stay tuned for witty comment….

CARRIE:  I won’t hold my breath.

Five days later…

CARRIE:  And, I’m still waiting for those pictures.  Imagine that.

Remember to always ask for pictures and if they don’t produce them instantly…



Ladies! Have You Lost Your Mind?!

Last week, one of my single male friends shared with me his experiences with on-line dating. He said his one-month dating experience had led him to believe that all on-line women are not only desperate, but crazy. “Whoa!  What?  Are you serious?  Why do you say that?” I asked. “Here, I’ll let you read some of the emails I get.  Everyone of these women are from the age of 30 – 50 years old. They all contacted me first.  I never respond, because I’m not interested.  It’s pretty sad.” He forwarded the emails to me, and I sat there at my computer, wide-eyed and with my hand over my mouth, horrified.  These are the emails that I read that day – verbatim.

“How re u doing? I like your profile and pics. I was on vac in CA when I subscribed on match but I’m living in MA. I’m planning to move to NH soon. That’s why i’m looking for my match in NH. Hope to hear from u soon.”

“This will be quick. I’m from the south too, first thing in common : ) Anyway, I would like to meet up for coffee and conversation…Oh, and HAPPY THANKSGIVING!”

“I would like to meet you… Diana”

“ive never written back to someone who hasnt responded to my first inquiry. However, i’m a bit curious as to what it was that didnt interest you about my profile. Again, just curious as i dont write to many people and this is new to me so just trying to get an idea.”

“Would you be up for a chat or txting…”

“I beleive that I am an atractive fun person who has a lot to offer. I am 43 years old but look younger.”

“I have looked at your profile more than once,….I like;-)))” “if you want I would like to get to know more about you…..Karen Have a Great Day.”

“hi. i know i live far away. but i am a flight attenant and have overnights in boston alot. wanted to know if you would be up for talking over a drink/coffe sometime?”

“I sent you an email last week and came across your profile again today. Was hoping I could convince you to enjoy a good cup of coffee and great conversation and go from there. Would love to Hear from you!”

“I was wondering why I was getting no response to the carefully-crafted, profile-germane, hopefully-witty emails I was sending, so I asked some of my gal pals who have been doing Match longer. They said that in their experience, men basically never respond to unsolicited emails from gals. What’s up with that”

“Sadly, this leaves me only two options — lurk on Match sifting through correspondence with the cougar-hunters and mirror-phobic (no), OR issue you a dare (men like dares): Be the guy who write back, I dare ya …. Go ahead, hit reply.”

And, sadly, I guess she believe that one email wasn’t enough, because she wrote again!
“Match singled you out as one of my ‘special matches’ …I do like what you have to say, and would like to get to know you. BUT, I understand that the ‘dare ya’ experiment could seem snarky rather spunky (my intention) … so I wish you the best of luck.”

This is your mother's look of horror when she find out what you just wrote to this guy!

Oh, my God!  Oh, my God!  Stop!  Just stop what you are doing! No wonder men think that all women on-line are crazy!

Ladies!  Where is your dignity? Where is your common sense? Where is your self-control? Holy cow!  We need to have a come-to-Jesus meeting.


It is on rare, and I mean really rare, occasion that I will write to someone first.  Why?  Because, I know that if a guy is into me, he’ll let me know!  There is no need to help him along in the process.  Men are natural-born hunters.  It’s innate.  They enjoy the thrill of the hunt.  Don’t spoil the rules of nature and, please, let them hunt!


How do I know about this rule of nature?  Because, my brother, a bar owner/bar tender, has always told me that as soon as a girl gives up her phone number, before he even asks for it… It’s over! Not interested! Next! Giving a guy your phone number before he even asks for it translates into a lot of things, but mostly:  You are desperate.  You are needy.  You are not worth his time. So, let him contact you first, and when you reply to his email, please be sure that you pay attention to not only the content of your email but also the structure. 

What you say, and how you say it, is just as important as spelling and grammar.  Think of this as an interview. Would you really send out a cover letter without proofing it first? Spell-check is your friend! If you can’t spell, use Spell-check!  Mozilla has it built-in, and will light up every misspelled word like a Christmas tree just so you don’t miss your error.  If you don’t have Mozilla installed onto your computer, then cut and paste your email into a Word document, and have Word check the spelling for you. Hell, it will even check your grammar, too!  Bonus!

Remember, first impressions are lasting impressions.  Let me give you an example.  Which email would you rather receive?

“Hey whats up with u?”

Or, would you rather receive this email?

“I really enjoyed your profile – especially the part about how you took in climbed your first mountain.  I love hiking, too.  Please take a look at my profile and, if you like it, I would really like the chance to start corresponding with you.”

It’s really that simple.  You get what you give, so put a little more thought and effort into any, and all, correspondence.  Please. Remember, if a guy is interested in you – he’ll let you know. Do yourself a favor – go out and buy, He’s Just Not That Into You. I’ve recommend this book to a lot of my single girlfriends, and they all said it brought them clarity and insight into what they were doing wrong.  You, too, can save yourself a lot of time, heartache, and, quite frankly, embarrassment if you read this book.


Now, stop being a slacker, and get back to work! ~Carrie

Hot Dog Guy II: How to Give Mixed Signals and Confuse the Snot Out of Me

Hot Dog Guy and I were off to a great start.  But, it took us two weeks before we could both find time for a much-anticipated second date.

Would we do dinner again?

Would it be as nice as The Chop House?

Would he bring flowers?  Or, do you only get flowers once?

It ended up being none of the above.  Rather than taking me out to dinner, he instead asked me if he could cook me dinner at his house.




At his house? For our second date?

All I could hear were the warning bells going off: Carrie, he wants you for dinner, not over for dinner! Of course he wants you to go to his house, because that’s where he keeps his BED!”

1bed noun \ˈbed\

1: a piece of furniture on or in which to lie and sleep
2 : a place of sex relations
3 : marital relationship
4 : close association

Dammit! Why couldn’t he be a gentleman and just take me out to dinner, again?

But, my hormones were singing another tune:  It would be nice to check out his cooking skills and have some alone time with him before I take off to New York City for two long weeks…

My mind starts flipping through numerous excuses and justifications of why I should go…

“I’m an adult.”

“Let the cards fall where they may!”

“You are leaving for two, long weeks!  That’s a really long time to be away!”

“He’s obviously into you – he won’t be that guy.”

“You are in your prime, Carrie!”

Needless to say, my hormones won the argument and I agreed to the dinner date at his house.

I arrived at his house at 7:30pm wearing one of my girlie summer skirt and heels.  Dinner was served promptly at 8:00pm – along with a bottle of red wine.  Hot Dog Guy cooked us Alaskan King Crab legs for dinner – not that it was that difficult to make, just add water, steam, and voila!  Dinner!  But, it was damn delicious!

After dinner, we sat outside on his deck underneath the stars and continued our evening together. Everything was going great, until I saw him get out of his chair and walk towards the end of the deck and light up a cigarette.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m having a cigarette.”

“But, you don’t smoke – or at least that’s what it said on your Match profile.”

“I’m only having one.  Besides, I’m not really a smoker,”  he said as he took a drag, “I only smoke when I drink.  Tonight, I just want to let my hair down.”

I thought it was a real odd comment.  He only smokes when he drinks?  Uhm, that would make him a smoker, right?

I wasn’t going to let one cigarette bother me, but then one cigarette became five.

In a row.

Lied on profile cancels out fresh roses from the florist on first date.

*Minus five ten points*

We ended up going through two bottles of wine and stayed up until 2:00am.  It had been a night filled with conversation, kissing, and more kissing, so when he asked me to spend the night, my drunk-ass hormones said, “Yes.”

Hot Dog Guy was 6’3″ and a little over-weight, so sleeping with him was definitely a whole different experience.  I was used to someone more svelte, like hottie Mr. Audi.  Both men were much like the vehicles they drove.  Mr. Audi was a lot like his convertible Porsche 911 and Hot Dog Guy, well, he was more like his big SUV:  Comfortable, but different, yet still a great ride.  Just not as fast or agile.

The following morning at breakfast, I started noticing the push/pull, mixed messages thing start to kick in.  As soon as I order my organic breakfast from the menu, he immediately challenged my choice and began to preach about how organic farming causes more pollution than regular large farming practices. Then he quizzed me on my political beliefs and disagreed with everything I had to say. His self-doubt must have surfaced, too, because he said, “I’m not sure what you are doing with me, Carrie.  You could have anyone you want.”


But, because I always try to be Positive frickin’ Pollyanna, I decided that it was too soon to throw in the towel. Instead, I took something negative and made it into something positive:  If Matalin and Carville could make it work, then why couldn’t we?

During the time I was in NYC for two weeks, we did managed to keep our conversations away from politics and eventually we were back to texting each other morning, noon, and night.  It only took four days into my trip before he was asking me to come home early.

HDG:  Jesus.  I can’t take it already.  I need to see you so I can rub your feet and cook for you.  I’ve got a fire going in the fireplace.  I wish you were here with me.


When I came back from NYC, Hot Dog Guy asked me to a Red Sox game.  He had three tickets and told me I could bring a friend. I decided to invite Becky, who had always been a great judge of character, and I figured I could get her opinion on Hot Dog Guy.  My problem was that he spoke to me in length via text, but not really in person, unless there was wine involved.

It ended up being a cold night, but watching the game was still a lot of fun.  Becky, being the awesome friend that she is, really put an effort to talk to my date.   At first, there was a little bit of a struggle, but before I knew it, those two were chatting it up a storm – even up until we dropped her off at her house.  Go, Becky!

The following day, she had this to say: “Carrie, all you have to do is speak his language – talk about the things that really interested him, like his job, his kids, and…his job and he’ll open right up.  You just need to give him time.”

It made sense but, intuitively, I still felt like Hot Dog Guy was at times trying to push me away.

One night, after being out with friends, my head started swirling and I did something so out of character

*Insert spooky music here*

I drove by his house one night to make sure that his car was the only one in the driveway.

Thankfully, when I went his house, I only saw his truck.  I was relieved, but now I had become “that girl.” 

The following morning I get a text from Hot Dog Guy:


HDG:  Hey, I’m in Atlanta.  Supposed to be in Detroit.  Did you drive by last night?




How the hell did he find out that I drove by in the middle of the night?  Shit!  Did he hear the rumble of the exhaust on Red Rocket?  Is it really that loud?  I thought I was pretty stealth when I drove by!

I knew I had two choices here – I could lie and say it wasn’t me, or I could just own it.  The way I saw it, if I did the deed, I needed to own it.  So, I did.


HDG:  You should’ve stopped in.  Why did you do that?

CARRIE: Because, I’m really uncomfortable with the fact that we are sleeping together, but that you are still active on  I’ve had my profile down for four weeks now, while you’ve kept yours up.

HDG:  Then why don’t you say that instead of checking up on me?  Funny, I didn’t have the boys last night, but I had to deal with my cell phone issues.  Went to bed early and just happened to get up to pee and see you.

CARRIE:  I did bring this up when I was in NYC.  Don’t you remember my text, “I see you are still searching on Match…”?  I didn’t want to bring it up before, because I don’t want to put unnecessary pressure on what should unfold naturally.  I don’t second guess people, unless there is a big red flag waving in front of my face.  The match thing was that red flag.  So, let me ask you then:  Why are you still on

HDG: Because I like it.  It’s interesting as hell.  The equivalent of people watching.  When you were in NY we met each other twice.  I like you, but I’m not jumping into anything that fast, nor should you.  I’m not saying I’m playing the field, because I’m not.  But, I’m also taking things slow, especially now that I’m not going to see you weeks on end again.


When he came back from his 6-day trip, things got better, again.   I starting spending the night, and we were back to texting each other all day long.  On one particular day, I decided to send him a few pictures of me – “G” rated of course.

HDG:  OMG.  More, please!

CARRIE:  I’m hoping to distract you so much that you’ll cancel your dinner plans tonight and come home to me!


CARRIE:  Awesome!  It’s working!

HDG:  I just cancelled my dinner plans.  You’re going to get me in trouble.


CARRIE:  Yes, I am!

HDG:  OMG.  You are amazing.

CARRIE:  I’m glad you have finally realized this!

HDG:  I did, the day you walked out the door, to get into my car.

CARRIE:  Well, you had me fooled for a while.  I thought I was going to have to mark you down as another guy who surely must have had a lobotomy or something…

HDG:  HAHA.  Why is that??? I had my reservations and I’m still cautious as you are.  No kids was against my rule.

ME:  No kids?  Explain.  You’re being cautious?  I’m putting my best foot forward and I just ask the same of you.

HDG:  When I first separated, I swore I wouldn’t date girls without kids.  Jesus.  I’m too tired to discuss this.

ME:  Why wouldn’t you date someone who didn’t have kids?  I am not a bad person just because I don’t have kids!  😉

HDG:  Because of tough schedules.  But, you have been so understanding – you scare me.

ME:  But, if I had kids then we’d really never see each other.  Of course I understand.  Those are your kids!  I’m not selfish like that.  I scare you.  You’re being silly.

HDG:  No.  You are way too perfect.  What’s wrong with you?  Are you a psycho or something?

CARRIE:  Ha-ha.

HGD:  On the road.  I’ll be home around 7:00ish. Wear jeans.  I love you in jeans.  You’re coming to KC’s with me, right?

Damn right I was.  We went to KC’s Rib Shack for dinner and then headed home for another great night in each others arms.



HDG:  You are amazing. I like you, which is scaring me by the way.

CARRIE:  Why is that so scary for you???

HDG:   Because it just is.  I’m not used to it.

CARRIE:  What is “it”?

HDG:  Liking a girl.  You like me saying that don’t you?

CARRIE:  Yes, I want YOU to say it, so you can see how silly it sounds.  Why is that so scary to you?  Afraid of getting hurt?  To feel vulnerable?  Liking a girl…isn’t that the whole point of dating?

HDG:  Ha.  Yes, I’m aware of that, but I haven’t found anyone that mmmmm.  Ahhh…  Ya – you know.  Hmmm…. Scary!

ME:  What about the co-worker you dated for a year???

HDG:  I liked her.  But she was like a best friend.  It was different.  Great sex and a lot of fun, but at the end of the day it wasn’t lasting in my eyes.  I didn’t like her telling me to change or do something that should be normal in a relationship.  You, on the other hand, scare me.

The following night, we sat outside on his deck under the stars and tied one on.  Well, he did – I can only drink so much.  Knowing that there was alcohol involved, I knew that I needed to take everything he said with a grain of salt.  And boy did he say a lot!  First, he asked me to a concert with him to see Flock of Seagulls on Wednesday, and he asked me to go on a trip with him to Mexico January.

Then, it was confession time!  Not only did he confess that he had deliberately pushed me away several times, but now he felt he was falling in love with me.  I remember sitting on his kitchen counter with my glass of wine, bug-eyed and in disbelief as he continued.

“I need to tell you something, but I know I shouldn’t, Carrie.  But I really want to tell you something, but I can’t.”

Finally, after I convinced him that I wasn’t there to judge him he put his arms around me and whispered in my ear, “Carrie, please don’t hurt me.”


Unexpectedly, my mother goes into the hospital.  The first day he was supportive, but then it fell to shit after that.

HDG:  Hey.  How’s it going today?  Are you coming see Flock of Seagulls tonight with me?

CARRIE:  Wow, I haven’t heard from you all day. I’m still in the hospital with my mom.

HDG:  Are you coming to the concert?

CARRIE:  Call me.

We have a brief conversation.  I tell Hot Dog Guy that I was just too emotionally drained to go to a concert.

CARRIE:  If you are around later, I could really use a hug.

HDG:  I doubt I will be.  Can’t believe I’m at the concert by myself.  WTF?

CARRIE:  We are not on the same page.



CARRIE:  Good morning.  How was the concert?

CARRIE: Really?  No response? C’mon…

CARRIE:  Mom is still in the hospital.

HDG:  Sorry to hear that.  My phone was left in my car all day.  Hope your mother feels better.

His phone was left in the car all day long?  Really?  An executive with two kids. REALLY?


CARRIE:  Why have you been MIA?

HDG:  I’m just getting this.  I over slept.  I’m in Arkansas.  In a nutshell, you made the comment that we weren’t on the same page and I didn’t hear from you.  So, I expected you were done which made me think that you see right.  I’m swamped and have the kids many weekends in a row coming up.  I’m not a good candidate for a relationship.  This is the first I’m hearing from you.  Sorry it’s a text.  I really have to run. I’m being picked up in 15 mins.

CARRIE:  That’s crap. You are so afraid of getting hurt, you are self-sabotaging this.  You find what you want and then you freak out. You don’t have time for a relationship, but you have time to be on Match looking for one almost every day?  That’s bullshit.

HDG:  Well, you are entitled to your opinions.  Sorry you feel the way you do.  I hope everything turns out well for your mom.

I had too much to say in a text, so he got one of my infamous emails – it was more for me than it was for him:

Look, I’m not looking for marriage or to move in with someone. I have bigger fish to fry than to think about that right now. I enjoy life…I just want someone to share it with – but it has to be with someone who doesn’t have one foot out the door all the time, because they are too scared of _________ (fill in the blank with whatever you are scared of).

I don’t date more than one person at a time. I don’t need the validation. I wanted to at least give you, and this relationship, that respect. There have always been guys on the sidelines waiting for me, and that’s why I took my profile down, because I found someone who I really liked. You, on the other hand, have always kept your profile up, indicating that you have one foot out the door, which has always hurt my feelings. And, if that’s how you felt, then really you had no business sleeping with me.

You can tell me all you want that you have your kids for the next few weekends and you are not a good candidate for a relationship, but it’s such a contradiction when you keep logging into everyday. I’m not angry, I’m disappointed, because your behavior would frustrate anyone.

Apparently, you need someone difficult to date. Well, that’s not going to be me. You have a difficult mother and a difficult ex-wife – that right there should be a tell-tale sign that this is all you can relate to.

Sooner or later, you’re going to realize your mistake, but, unfortunately for you, you know what they say about opportunity…

I’m done.



JULIE:  So, how are you?

CARRIE:  I’m good and doing everything in my power to not sleep with The Teacher!  He’s very sweet, but I’m just not there yet.

JULIE:  Wow.  Has it come up?  LOL.

CARRIE:  Well, we were supposed to see a movie last night, but because of the time change, we missed it, and we had nothing else planned, so we chilled at his place.  We ended up watching the Patriots game and had heavy make-out sessions during every commercial break!  Clearly, I slept with HDG too soon and I don’t want to make that same mistake again.  I’m still really hurt that he just changed his mind about me.  Fucker.  He said he’s not a good candidate for a relationship, but he’s back on  PRICK!

JULIE:  HDG.  He was a douche.   What a tool.  “Please, Carrie…just don’t hurt me.  Whaaaahhh…”

And there you have it.  Hot Dog Guy and his issues.  Oh, well, back to the drawing board!!!



Don’t Date Him Girl: John Nicholson

“The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing.”

Albert Einstein

LAGF: I got a funny story for you.  You know that guy you went out with “John”..bald guy, etc..?

CARRIE:  What guy? Do tell! I’m in bed with the flu.  😦 

LAGF:  Ucky…drink Theraflu. He lives allegedly lives in New York and Los Angeles? Bald guy, you met him on Match?  Nicholson…

CARRIE: Ah, John Nicholson…the actor.  Ya…never did meet him. We only did spoke through email and text.  Never did like actors….so what’s the story?

LAGF:  Well, like a year and a half ago, or two years, I went for a drink with him. At Thanksgiving, he comes to our house….with his prego fiancee (also, the fiance is my BF’s good friend). Sad, because according to her they have been together for 5 years. I did not say anything to her, but it just made me think….

CARRIE:  Interesting!  I always thought he was sketchy, and that’s why I didn’t go out of my way to meet up with him.  He’s too desperate to be noticed as an actor….to get laid….to have a girlfriend…etc.  I just checked out his Facebook page – his girlfriend, Luana, is all over his wall. I noticed that nobody else writes anything on there.  I blocked his posts a while back, simply because I got tired of reading all of his self-promotion shit.  I actually forgot about him.  So, your BF is friends with his GF? And, she said they’ve been together for 5 years? He wanted me to meet him about 3 years ago, I think.  Maybe less than that.  How does your BF know Luana?

LAGF:  Sweetheart, the girlfriend is Jennifer.  Who is Luana? 

CARRIE:  OMG.  Well then, who is THIS chick who is ALL OVER his Facebook page?!  

LAGF:  That’s not who was at Thanksgiving with John!

CARRIE:  OMG…so that’s not the chick who showed up?!  What a dirt bag.  Seriously, check out his Facebook page – she is the only person commenting on there and is totally caught up in him!

LAGF:  I don’t care that much to look, but the prego girlfriend is a sweetheart.  Comment, “Congrats on your new baby and engagement.”  LOL

CARRIE:  Chick, don’t even dare me, because you know I will!  Are you sure we are talking about the same guy?  John Nicholson…dude in the photo?!   I noticed he doesn’t have any friends on FB named Jennifer….  Wow…living a total double life.  I knew I didn’t like him.

Look, nobody’s perfect.  People cheat every day, right?  So why did this bother me so much?  I figured it was because I have been the one who has had the wool pulled over their eyes, and it’s the worst feeling in the world.  I was totally humiliated.  People didn’t want to get involved or go out of their way to tell me the truth when I was the one who was being cheated on, so in the end,  I was the one who suffered.  It took me a long time to get over it – the humiliation, not the lie.

I felt bad for both Luana and Jennifer, but mostly for Jennifer, because I later found out she was about two weeks away from giving birth to John’s baby.  And, based upon my correspondence with Luana (yes, I emailed her on Facebook) she believed she was the only woman in John’s life.

It’s a shitty thing to do to someone…lie and toy with someone’s heart strings.  It’s really despicable – people who do this are selfish and cruel.

I eventually emailed John and told him that I knew he was double dipping in the “engagement” department.  As expected, he skirted the truth and used deflection rather than owning up to his bad behavior.  A real shocker, right?

The pregnant girlfriend, Jennifer, and I also emailed back and forth shortly after my LA girlfriend spoke to her on the phone. It was sad that John, at 47-years old, couldn’t own up the truth, and despite being caught he insisted to Jennifer that he didn’t even have a Facebook account!  Well, that sucked for him, because I sent Jennifer the Facebook emails John and I had exchanged.  Clearly, John didn’t think she deserved to know the truth, but I did.

Had the website still be working today, I would have put John’s sorry mug up on there. It was a great website to warn other women not to date dirt-bags like John.  But, you can no longer post someone’s profile on there, so now I have to use my own blog, because you and I both know, this ain’t over.  He’ll be up to his old dirty antics soon enough, but I’m secretly hoping that having this baby will change him.  One can only hope.

I wonder, if more people had a sense of shame, would our society that we live in today be a better place?

This is why it takes a village.


“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”  ~Buddha~