*PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS 911*
“Hello, 911 what’s your emergency?”
“Hi, can you send an ambulance to my house, please? My mother fainted twice in the last 15 minutes…”
That was the start of my day on Monday. For those of you who don’t know me, my mother’s health has recently been declining and we now have to live together. Good times.
“Is she breathing OK?”
“Yes, she’s breathing just fine and she is alert. I have her laying down on the kitchen floor.”
“OK, I have an ambulance on the way. Just make sure you keep her there and don’t try to give her any food or water until the EMT’s arrive. I will stay on the line until they are in you house. OK?”
“Yes, I know the drill. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to call 911 for her.”
In a matter of minutes, the ambulance arrives and pulls up to the house along with a big fire truck.
Three EMT’s walk into my house with their equipment. It was only when I spotted the third EMT that it dawned on me that I hadn’t taken a shower in two days and was probably looking like a hot mess.
Oh, my God. You have got to be kidding me.
I’m looking like death warmed over and the most gorgeous guy has to walk into my house now?
It’s not often you see a tall good-looking 6’2″ guy walk into your house and, believe me, I was about to pass out myself!
I was definitely looking like a hot mess. It had been a rough weekend, starting with my mother falling and breaking her knee cap on Saturday, so we spent all day in the Emergency Room and Sunday was a complete blur.
“What medications is she taking?” asked one of the EMT’s.
Unfortunately, the guy asking the questions wasn’t the good-looking one – he was kneeling on the floor with my mother. I name three medications off the top of my head, but then quickly lose my focus and can’t remember the other five, because the gorgeous EMT looked up at me as soon as I spoke.
Oh, dear Jesus, why does he have to be so damn hot?
The hot EMT stood up and left to get something from his truck, and again, we caught each other’s glance. When he came back into the house, I noticed something poking out from underneath his short-sleeved EMT shirt: I was tribal tattoos.
Big, manly, tribal tattoo’s.
On his big, manly arms.
It was the tribal tattoos and his big arms that nearly sent me over the edge. My lustful hormones went into full swing, and, it was at that moment, at that very moment, I knew that no matter how many great things I had done for other people, no matter how many selfless acts I had done in my life – this would cancel out anything, and everything, I had ever done. I was going straight to Hell for having lustful thoughts cross my mind while my poor mother was laid out on the kitchen floor.
After ten minutes with my mother, the EMT’s announce they will be taking her to the hospital. I follow them outside and watch them put her in the ambulance. My neighbor comes outside and asks me if my mom was OK. I quickly fill her in and then tell her about the hot EMT.
“Oh, ya. I know exactly who you are talking about. My daughter had a field trip to the fire station the other day, and he was there. ” She pauses for a few moments as we both watched the men load the equipment back into their trucks. Then she adds, “Ya, he’s hot alright.”
“He is more than hot. And, wouldn’t you know, I stood there lusting for him, while my poor mother was stretched out the kitchen floor. I’m going straight to Hell for this one.”
She laughs and says, “I don’t think he’s an EMT. I think he’s a fireman…”
We both watch the hot EMT/Fireman walk over to the big fire truck and climb into the drive’s seat. My neighbor quickly adds, “And look. Of course he would be driving the big truck...”
“Yup, so hot.”