I’m Going Straight to Hell for This One – A Hot Fireman Can Do That to You

*PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS 911*

“Hello, 911 what’s your emergency?”

“Hi, can you send an ambulance to my house, please? My mother fainted twice in the last 15 minutes…”

That was the start of my day on Monday.  For those  of  you who don’t know me, my mother’s health has recently been declining and we now have to live together.  Good times.

“Is she breathing OK?”

“Yes, she’s breathing just fine and she is alert.  I have her laying down on the kitchen floor.”

“OK, I have an ambulance on the way.  Just make sure you keep her there and don’t try to give her any food or water until the EMT’s arrive.  I will stay on the line until they are in you house.  OK?”

“Yes, I know the drill.  This isn’t the first time I’ve had to call 911 for her.”

In a matter of minutes, the  ambulance arrives and pulls up to the house along with a big fire truck.

Three EMT’s walk into my house with their equipment.  It was only when I spotted the third EMT that it dawned on me that I hadn’t taken a shower in two days and was probably looking like a hot mess.

Oh, my God.  You have got to be kidding me.

Really? 

Really!

I’m looking like death warmed over and the most gorgeous guy has to walk into my house now?

It’s not often you see a tall good-looking 6’2″ guy walk into your house and, believe me, I was about to pass out myself!

I was definitely looking like a hot mess.  It had been a rough weekend, starting with my mother falling and breaking her knee cap on Saturday, so we spent all day in the Emergency Room and Sunday was a complete blur.

“What medications is she taking?” asked one of the EMT’s.

Unfortunately,  the guy asking the questions wasn’t the good-looking one – he was kneeling on the floor with my mother.  I name three medications off the top of my head, but then quickly lose my focus and can’t remember the other five, because the gorgeous EMT looked up at me as soon as I spoke.

Oh, dear Jesus, why does he have to be so damn hot?

The hot EMT stood up and left to get something from his truck, and again, we caught each other’s glance.  When he came back into the house, I noticed something poking out from underneath his short-sleeved EMT shirt:  I was tribal tattoos.

Big, manly, tribal tattoo’s.

On his big, manly arms.

*SWOON*

It was the tribal tattoos and his big arms that nearly sent me over the edge.  My lustful hormones went into full swing, and, it was at that moment, at that very moment, I knew that no matter how many great things I had done for other people, no matter how many selfless acts I had done in my life – this would cancel out anything, and everything, I had ever done. I was going straight to Hell for having lustful thoughts cross my mind while my poor mother was laid out on the kitchen floor.

After ten minutes with my mother, the EMT’s announce they will be taking her to the hospital.  I follow them outside and watch them put her in the ambulance.   My neighbor comes outside and asks me if my mom was OK.  I quickly fill her in and then tell her about the hot EMT.

“Oh, ya. I know exactly who you are talking about.  My daughter had a field trip to the fire station the other day, and he was there. ”  She pauses for a few moments as we both watched the men load the equipment back into their trucks.  Then she adds, “Ya, he’s hot alright.”

“He is more than hot.  And, wouldn’t you know, I stood there lusting for him, while my poor mother was stretched out the kitchen floor.  I’m going straight to Hell for this one.”

She laughs and says, “I don’t think he’s an EMT.  I think he’s a fireman…”

We both watch the hot EMT/Fireman walk over to the big fire truck and climb into the drive’s seat.  My neighbor quickly adds, “And look.  Of course he would be driving the big truck...”

“Yup, so hot.”

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This Guy Should Not Be Online Dating – Hmmmmmmm

Recently, I posted added this on my OK Cupid profile:

UPDATE: 03.07.12:   I’ve kept this part of my profile empty for a long time now – I guess because I wanted to leave an air of mystery – to evoke questions, if you will. But, now, after being on here and having been on more dates than I’d like to admit, I want to use this space to announce that I’m quitting. I give up. I’m done. I’m just so disgusted at how men can treat women (me) that I can’t even stomach the thought of meeting one more person who carelessly tramples on my feelings like it’s no big deal. I am convinced that there are no gentlemen left. Certainly, nobody takes the time to get to know anyone anymore – it’s like a lost art. Everyone just wants a bed-buddy or sex. And you know what? I’m all set with that.

I consider myself a normal person with above average intelligence and great sense of humor. I’ve been called “beautiful” inside and out more times than I can remember by complete strangers. I have numerous close friends and a great family. Anyone who knows me can’t believe that I’m single, but I tell them that it’s hard finding love when everyone is so self-absorbed or they have a chip on their shoulder, so big, that they can’t even see the tall, beautiful, witty, intelligent, gracious, well-rounded, emotionally stable woman in front of them.

So, with that being said, I’m done.

After I posted that I had a lot of guys write to me and apologize for their fellow male behavior.  Everyone has been really sweet.   Until I get an email from this guy:

Just Got Done Reading Your Up dated Profile,,And I Have to say I Felt Bad for you,Because Some of the Women I speak with Tell how Some of these Men Can Be..Then i went and Looked over Some of your Answers to your Questions,Like>>>>>>How confident are you in your sexual abilities? Super confident “Oh, if you only knew….!” ( You Said That ) Super confident -Me.  Would you dump someone simply because they weren’t good at sex? Yes,, You Said Yes….Hummmmmm No,,I Said No.  Could you date someone who loved you with all their heart, and whom you liked a lot, but who was terrible in bed? No. So You Could Not Date Someone who Loved You,And Sucked In Bed.Hummm Yes. Me, I could. It’s Not Always About Sex.  And Thats Just 3 Of Them, I Can Understand Why your geting The Wrong Men.And Yes There are Some Good Guys Out There,,And I’m One of Them. Good Luck

You know, my grandmother always said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”  What a jerk.   You know me, I wasn’t going to let this email go unanswered, because you and I both know this wasn’t his first time he’s used this kind of tone with women – so allow me…

*CRACKS KNUCKLES*

Dear Troubleforu:

After reading your email, I can’t help but think that you’re trying to make me look a I’m either a bad person/slut or purposefully over-look the “good guys” like yourself.

Let’s take a look at the three questions you carefully selected from my profile out of the 190 you had to choose from.

First, the one about being confident in bed.  I’m confused.  How is that a bad thing?  As a woman, am I not allowed to say that I am confident? Do you take offense to that, because you are not confident in bed? Or, does that make me look like a slut in your eyes?

The 2nd and 3rd questions are redundant.  (I found it odd that even though we are not a match, and I’m not interested in dating anyone right now, you felt the need to scroll through 25 pages of questions I answered to find another answer that would help “prove” your point.)  So, let me ask you this:  Why would I stay with someone who wasn’t good at sex?  And if you don’t want to have sex with someone, but you really like them – doesn’t that make you just friends?

Let’s look at some other questions that you clearly over looked in my profile:

>How interested would you be in knowing the details of a partner’s sexual history?
You said: Very interested.
I said: Not interested.

Hmmmmmmmm…..You’re very interested? Really? I find that to be really creepy. Aren’t we all adults? Hasn’t everyone had sex? Let me guess, you’re the guy who judges a woman based on how many guys she has slept with…right?

>How much can intelligence turn you on?
You said:  Intelligence does nothing for me either way.
I said: A lot!

Hmmmmmmmm….so if your date was dumb, it doesn’t matter? Maybe you like them pretty and stupid.

>What’s worse on a first date?
You said: No physical attraction.
I said: Nothing to talk about.

Hmmmmmmmm….so you need a physical attraction in order to connect with someone? Isn’t that what you are accusing me of – missing out on a “good guy” like yourself? Well, what if that person who you just met wasn’t that attractive, but she was a “great girl”? You just contradicted yourself.   To me, if I can have a great conversation with someone – it makes them more attractive in my eyes.

>Do you say “Thank you,” to wait staff when served in a restaurant?
You said: Most of the time.
I said: Always.

“Being gracious is very important to me.” – I said that.
Hmmmmmmmm…you’re starting to really look like a jerk here.

>If you’re in a relationship you expect will last for the rest of your life, is it important to you that it be the most satisfying sexual relationship you have ever had?
You said: Yes.
I said: No.
HMMMMMMMM…. you are basing your relationship on sex again.

>Which makes for a better relationship?
You said: Passion.
I said: Dedication.
Hmmmm….passion over dedication? Maybe you like to fight..and like heated arguments. Not really a good recipe for a healthy relationship – but then again, your profile name is “Trouble4u.” Hmmmmmm….

>Which of these options most closely describes what you’re looking for in your next relationship?
I said:  Someone to come home to.

Maybe you missed that one, because the other answers I could choose from were:  “Someone to go out with,” and “Someone just for tonight.”

Now let’s look at the personality profile tests.  The only test I took was:

“The Muppet Animal Test.”

I would say that’s pretty non-sexual, cute and funny.

Let’s take a look at your tests (and, gee, you certainly took a lot of them):

“The Tits, Ass, and Cuteness” test
“The Can You Fuck Me Good” test
“The Slut Test” (which you scored 75% slut)
“The Sexual Hell” test
“The What’s Your Sexual Style?” test

Not really tests that a man of character would take, wouldn’t you say?

I can’t help but think that because you didn’t meet my height requirement of 6’1″ (you are only 5’11”) that somehow this upset you, plus, you’re a smoker and I won’t date a smoker, so you decided to try to pick me apart. Well, it’s always  easy to paint someone in a certain light when other valid points are deliberately over looked that contradict your point of view.

I don’t know how you call yourself a “good guy” when all of your answers in your profile are mostly sexually charged.  And, certainly, if you were a “good guy,” you would have sent me a nice email.  Here, I’ll give one example of the 35 emails I received: “Hang in there. Your profile looks great, and you seem to be a together women.”

In a nutshell, your profile is written by a misogynist who has a chip on his shoulder.

Good luck with that,

Carrie

An hour later, I receive his reply.

Misogynist,,Not At All,And I’m Sorry if i Came a cross That Way.Just had a Bad Night..Sorry i Upset You,,You Did Give me Something To Think About,Maybe i should Revist My Answers,,,,Wish You Well Steve

Just what this world needs…another passive-aggressive person.

NEXT!

~Carrie

Why Am I Still Single?

Why am I still single?  I ask myself that question a lot.  Is it me?  Is it the guys I date? Or, is it just not my time?

But, then I take a look around me – I mean, look at my brother. He’s in the same boat as I am, which brings me to think that maybe it could be a genetic predisposition.

Listen, I just might have a valid point here. Look at us. My brother and I both have never been engaged. We have never been married. We have never had kids (that he knows of) and we are still both single to this day.

The question that sticks out to me the most is how have we both gone through life having pretty similar relationship experiences and have the same end result, when everyone else around us has a significant other?

We are both a lot alike in terms that we are both good-looking, articulate, intelligent, personable, and out-going.  With those qualities, you would think that we would have been married off a long time ago, right?

*DING!*


Then, I start thinking that maybe we are both scared of making a commitment – that maybe this has been a self-fulfilling proficiency?

Case and point: A few years ago, I was living in Los Angeles and I invited Nathan to come to LA and join me and my friends in a large, pot-luck Thanksgiving dinner that one of my friends was throwing.  This is his reply to my email:


Hey there sis.  I am using our new laptop while I am eating lunch at the bar. I love this WiFi stuff.  Not even plugged in anywhere.  I am just so fucking high-tech.

Been thinking about Thanksgiving, and that it would be nice to spend Thanksgiving with you and your friends, but its going to be a real busy week here at the bar.   Plus, my girlfriend’s folks have invited Mom and I to dinner that day, which makes me think….if I bring my Mom to meet her Mom…….and we all have dinner together….then what’s next?!

Engagement ring

Marriage

Kids

Divorce

Visitation/custody battles

Alcoholism

Psychotherapy

Bankruptcy

Pan-handling the streets

Recovery

Rehabilitation

Paranoia

Obesity

Insane asylums

Suicide attempts

Break outs

Excommunication

Heart failure

Cancer

Brain tumors

…and finally, a retirement community!

Shit! I just might try and find out if I can get a few days off that week and fly out!

~Nathan

Unfortunately, Nathan’s relationship didn’t last with his girlfriend, and we are now both…still…single. Again!

Oh, God. To add salt to the wound, I’ll throw in this story too:  I remember one time we were both dating someone at the same time, which is very rare.  So, to make things interesting, and because we clearly know our own history with dating, we bet each other $100 on whose relationship would last the longest.

*GIGGLING*

We’re so bad.

~Carrie