That’s NOT How You Kiss!

MR. VERMONT:  Correct me if I’m wrong…but I get the feeling that I’m not a “match” for you?

(If you forgot who Mr. VT is – click here.)

I figured if the man had the guts to ask that sort of question, then he deserved an honest answer.

CARRIE: Yes, you are correct. I have been struggling with the fact that I really like you, but I’m not feeling the “zing.” I was going to tell you tonight after you got out of work. *sad face*

MR. VERMONT:  No problem! Good luck to you, Carrie. It was really nice to have met you. 🙂

CARRIE: I’m sooooooooo sorry. This is the part about dating I really hate and I certainly didn’t want to do this by text! I want you to know that you have renewed my faith that there are still good men out there!

MR. VERMONT: I can always use a good friend…so feel free to stay in touch!

And that, my friends, is how you break it off with someone! The key is to be honest and gracious. The truth may sting, but it’s necessary, because nobody likes to be left hanging.


Later that day, I was writing in my favorite corner, at the Shaskeen, when I got a text from someone who I thought had blown me off: Finance Guy. Why that particular nickname? Well, from what he wrote…it was obvious he was a finance guy!

His first email to me went like this:

“I liked your profile…sounds like you love travel like me. I’m from Danvers, MA but I am actually staying in Laconia NH while I ponder living in Boston, Manchester NH….or New York, City. I returned from Asia two months ago (spent 10 months living in Singapore and Shanghai on a semi-sabbatical from real life) and before that was in technology investment banking. I’ve lived in NYC before (law school at Columbia and now a grad degree from NYU) and if I do choose to live in Boston or Manchester, I will probably buy a place in NYC anyway, because I love visiting my friends there. I ran my own firm for 7 years before my break and made some successful investments. I’ve got a great family too and most of them are spread between northern mass and southern nh.”

Talking about a sales pitch! He intrigued me, so we went back and forth with a few email exchanges, but once I went off to my 10-day trip to Florida, all communication ceased. I got nothing from him, except he asked to let him know when I was back from my trip. Really?

That confused me.

Wasn’t it obvious that I was a hot commodity on the market? Hello! Finance Guy…I’m a tall, smart, pretty red head, never married, no kids. If you asked me, I would think that’s a pretty rare find these days. I’m sorry, are people like me really that abundant? How could he not realize that another guy could easily come by in a 10-day span and capture my attention? Which, by the way, is exactly what happened – Mr. Vermont came into the picture and stole the show, until I met him in person for our first date.

So, there I was, sitting there in my corner at the Shaskeen, surprised to see a text from Finance Guy. But, really, after what I’ve been through over the past few years, nothing surprises me anymore. Screw it. I’m just going to go with the flow…

FINANCE GUY: What are you up to?

CARRIE: I’m in my office cubicle at the Shaskeen, writing. You?

FINANCE GUY: I’m driving by your town right now, do you want me to stop by so we can meet? I have to meet my brother at 7:30pm, so I can’t stay long.

CARRIE: Of course!

FINANCE GUY: OK, I’ll be there in 15 minutes.

I grab my purse and make a mad dash into the Lady’s Room to freshen up. My face looked a little dewy the summer humidity, but it looked fresh – glowing even! However, my mane of red hair was not looking so good as it was doing it’s own thing and having Frizz-Fest. I knew I couldn’t do anything about it – it was just going to have to do.

Walking back to my corner in the bar, I pass Megan, the bartender, a fellow road-grimy single female like myself.

“You are not going to believe this,” I tell her, “I’m meeting another guy here in ten minutes.”

I sit down and try to keep working, but we all know that wasn’t happening…

When Fiance Guy walked into the Shaskeen, the first thing I notice was his build. Six-foot-two and 47-years old…wow, lookin’ pretty damn good for his age. He had a very square face – typical Irish features – oh, and very short hair and blue eyes and, of course, big man hands…

I’m interested!

We sit down at a table and we both order a Harpoon UFO – my favorite. The conversation was flowing and the attraction was mutual. Nathan arrives for work and came over to say hello to me. I introduce him to my date, and they ended up having a brief conversation. Nathan is good like that – he’s always gracious and eager to talk with anyone who walks into his bar. (Personally, I really think he should run for mayor, because he’d definitely win.)

A half hour later, Finance Guy announces he has to leave. It was an awkward moment as we stood there. Do we shake hands? Do I hug him? I could tell he wanted to hug me, but he hesitated and said, sounding a little panicked while looking over his shoulder at Nathan,”Your brother is over there.”

Coyly, I replied, “So what! He’s not looking now,” and gave him a kiss on the check.

Three days later we meet in Boston for a drink. Boston! I had not visited the city in years, so I was really excited to be there.

We meet at the Westin Hotel bar. He was staying there because he was flying out of Logan Airport to Washington DC the following morning to pick up his two kids so he could have them for a week. Originally, our plan was to have a drink in the lounge and then go watch some live music, but our conversations just kept going, so we ended up staying at the bar.

Two beers and three hours later, he invited me to his hotel room for a glass of wine. I knew he just wanted to get me to his room so he could kiss me. So, I agreed but, only on one condition – that he behaved himself! Shortly after he poured the wine, he went for the kiss. The whole evening had gone well, so I wasn’t expecting what happened next.

Slowing he brought his mouth up to mine and then without warning, without even kissing my lips, he stuck his whole entire friggin’ tongue in my mouth!  Making things worse (I know…what can be worse than that?) is the fact that at the same time he was shoving his huge tongue in my mouth, I had instinctively reached around his 6’2″ frame and put my hand on his back – only to feel something crunchy under my hand. It was a double whammy. Oh, God noooooo…!!!!! Pulling back, I gently said to him, “Can you please not use your tongue?” and then proceeded to try to kiss him, thinking that, maybe, I could show him how to kiss properly…

Fat chance.

He was a hopeless case, and because I was so grossed out by the fact that my hand touched what might have been a very hairy back just pushed me past the point of no return.

The sirens and fire alarms were all going off in my head.

Please step away from the man and find the nearest exit. Carrie, this is an emergency. Please find the nearest exit and leave. Do not walk – run!

Look, there is hair on a man’s back, which, hey, some men have it which I don’t mind – and then there is this guy’s back! I was horrified. No, I was horrified, grossed out, and beside myself at the same time. How in the world could this man have been married for ten years. Ten years?! I couldn’t even get past the first kiss with him – never mind shacking up with him for ten long years!

Trying to be cool and not show my utter disgust, I left, but he insisted on walking me to my car, which was in the garage a few blocks away from the hotel. It was raining, so once we got to my car I told him that I would give him a ride back. I know, I can’t help myself…I’m too freaking nice…even after someone shoves their whole tongue in my mouth.

Ick! Ick! Ick!

We got into my car and as I drove up to the garage exit and the automated parking attendant announces that owe $30. Thirty dollars! And wouldn’t you know, Finance Guy…yes, that’s right, “Mr. I Shit Money”…didn’t even reach for his wallet. So, I’m out of money and I get assaulted by his nasty tongue…

God has a horrible sense of humor and, believe me, I’m not laughing.

The ride home felt like an eternity, because all I could think about was how much I wanted to wash my mouth out with Listerine.  Scope wouldn’t have cut it.  I needed the heavy-duty Listerine and, of course, lucky me, I didn’t even have a bottle of water in my car, or even one measly stick of gum. Nothing. I even dug to the depths of my purse and frantically searched all four corners hoping to find something.



Seriously, if I had found a used wad of gum stuck inside a crumpled-up wrapper that had been there for months, I would have popped that sucker right in my mouth and happily chewed it like it was the freshest piece of gum I had ever had. But, why would I have such luck?

Lesson learned: Never, under any circumstances, leave the house without gum.  Ever.

The following day I told Beth about my horrific date.

CARRIE: Can I break up with him via text?

BETH: Yes.

CARRIE: Sweet! 😀

BETH: What are you going to say?

CARRIE: “Although I really enjoyed our first date, I don’t feel as though the chemistry is there for me to go on a 2nd date…”

BETH: Oh – that’s perfect.

CARRIE: “….because you don’t know how to kiss and you shoved your big NASTY tongue in my mouth and it MADE ME WANT TO VOMIT.”

BETH: STOP! Now I gotta vomit!

Next time a guy decides to shove his tongue in my mouth like that, I’m taking my friend Lisa’s advice and I’m just going to bite the thing off!

Next! Next! Next!