Big Earrings, Big Ego – One Big Red Flag

My friend Lizzie likes looking for potential dates for me on  www.PlentyofFish.com.  She knows that I’m close to giving up, so she looks for me.

Every once in a while she’ll send me a text when she thinks she has found someone suitable.  The problem is, we hardly ever agree on anyone.  She thinks I’m too picky, but look at what I have to work  with –  in the world of dating, Plenty of Crap is considered to the bottom of the barrel.  I also know what I like, and what I don’t like, plus I can spot a red flag a mile away…

LIZZIE:  POF…Toast74.

CARRIE:  Are you sure that is right?

LIZZIE:  Toasty74.

CARRIE:  Not cute.

LIZZIE:  I know, but looks are not everything…*cough-cough*  HDG

CARRIE:  Hot Dog Guy had a deep voice.  That trumps a lot.

LIZZIE:  OK…POF  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.  6’4″ and an “alpha male.” LOL

I take a look at this guy’s profile.  It reads as follows:

Non-Smoker with Athletic body type / Non-Religious / 36-year old Man, 6′ 4″/ Caucasian Aquarius with Brown hair / Is looking for a relationship/ Masters degree

About Me

Hello, everyone. Hoping to meet a wonderful person that is a keeper. I am an alpha male that is happy and successful without being a workoholic nor abrasive. The company I started back in 2002 has tripled. We search for new and unique talent in various mediums of television and radio. Its exciting.

My type of woman would have personality, charm and be much deeper than watching a football game. A lady that lights up a room, has many friends and loves her family. A dog lover a must as I have two big guard dogs, Dobies, that love to run my 2 acres as well as go everywhere with me. Cats OK.

Kids never fit into my life’s plan so I have none nor desire a womans’ unless they are teens or older.

I am a true Aquarius. Fun, full of surprises, electric. With the moon in Leo, I am loyal to a fault, big hearted and happiest in a healthy relationship. Well, that’s it for now. Hope to hear from you soon!

CARRIE:  I think this guy may have bad teeth – he doesn’t show his teeth when he smiles.  Bad sign.  Just sent him email.

LIZZIE:  He’ll respond.

CARRIE:  Not sure I can deal with the two earring thing and his big ego.

LIZZIE:  He needs to be taken down a few notches anyway.

Before I let you read my correspondence with dude, I need to point out something in my own profile, which he referenced:

“PS:  I make the best oatmeal-raisin cookies this side of the Mississippi!” 

Cute, right?  Well, I do make the best oatmeal-raisin cookies – just ask Nathan. I mention the cookies, because I figured it would be lighthearted and cute…seeing all guys love cookies.

After reviewing this guy’s profile, the only thing he had going for him was his height.  Other than that he seemed like an arrogant tool.  And, believe me, unless you see someone smiling in their pictures, always assume they have bad teeth.

I send him an email just for shits and giggles – but I’m sincere.

2/25/2012 8:50:22 AM

You said, “I am loyal to a fault, big hearted and happiest in a healthy relationship.”  Are you sure you are not a Cancer, Mr. Aquarius?

You have an interesting profile, but what stood out to me the most was what I listed above.

(Attached are two pictures of me.)

2/25/2012 10:06:21 AM

cancer men are needy, sensitive and quite weak in my opinion. i am polar opposite… you need to brush up on your astrology and cut back the cookies… lol

I know!  I thought the same thing.  What an ass, right?  I couldn’t believe how rude he was.  I need to stay away from the cookies?  And, did he not notice that I’m also a Cancer?  How rude.  I sent Lizzie his reply.

LIZZIE:  He did not!  What an ass.  He needs the “Carrie take-down”!

CARRIE:  Oh, trust me, it’s on!

*CRACKS KNUCKLES*

2/25/2012 11:28:14 AM

Maybe I do need to brush up on my astrology…

Just so you know, I’m definitely a Cancer – you know that “weak” and “needy” sign that clearly you have a disdain for, however, my rising sign is in Aries. You know – the fire sign, first in the zodiac who can be frank and direct.

So, on that note, let me ask you, what sign is rude, arrogant, self-absorbed and lacks tact? It must be Aquarius, right?  Although, Leo thinks he’s king of the jungle and everything is about him.

Maybe you need to put down your astrology book, stop generalizing, and brush up on your social skills and tact.   LOL

2/25/2012 2:05:24 PM

1st off your shady by not having a pic on your profile. next i get 30 e-mails a day by well mannered women of all zodiac signs. they are the fabric of good manners and honesty. cancers such as joni mitchell are lost children, aries rising or not. look at your poor attempt to retort, case in point. only the rejected think i am arrogant. good day

2/25/2012 4:03:42 PM

Rejected? Is that how you “reject” someone?  Oh, really?  So, being an ass is how you reply to someone who was being nice and sincere?  Wow, your mother must be SO PROUD!

And, by the way, Mr. “Executive,” maybe you should go back to school and learn how to write, spell, use proper grammar and punctuation.   “Your” is only used in the possessive form, whereas, “you’re” is the abbreviation for “YOU ARE.”  You call yourself an executive?  You can’t even put together a well-written paragraph.

I think you over-looked the fact that I’m a writer.  I was just throwing out the bait to see if you’d take a bite.  And, you did.  Rejected?  I’d rather chew glass than date someone like you, someone who obviously has a huge chip on his shoulder towards women, plus you wear larger earrings than I do.

Insecurity, and feeling the need to prove yourself, is written all over your profile – I’m all set.

Thanks for the material!

PS:   Talking about astrology in your profile really makes you look like a nut.

After that he blocked me.   Shocking right?  Well, he had it coming – if he can’t take it, he shouldn’t dish it.

NEXT!

Why I Owe You an Apology

Dear Gut Intuition:

I sincerely owe you an apology.   I didn’t listen to you when I should have.  Instead, I listened to Self-Doubt and Second-Guessing Myself.  I was wrong and I’m very sorry.

I believe that there are definitely times when you are trying to get my attention; the light goes off, you start yelling at me, but somehow I manage to ignore you.

Like, in the case of Grizzly Adams.  He was handsome, super smart, kind, considerate, and wicked tall.  Gut Intuition, we both know that I was excited that he was 6’5″ and had a nice beard.  I was in Heaven, wasn’t I?  I know we both liked his masculine voice, his intelligent conversations, and the fact that he called me, and seldom sent texts messages unless it was to schedule a time to call and talk to me.  How thoughtful was that?  He did that just to make sure I wouldn’t miss his call.  That, alone, made me feel really appreciated.

Everything was going great, until we met for the first time.  After talking to him face-to-face, I realized that his personality was flat.  There was no joking around, no kidding each other – nothing to laugh about.  Just serious talk.

You knew he wasn’t going to work out for someone like me and once you saw this, you patiently tried to get my attention.  But, I ignored you, because I was too busy trying to make it work by imagining what it would be like to kiss his nice lips and feel his soft beard.  I think Hormones might have had something to do with that, because we both know that I’ve been having a strong attraction for anyone with a beard.

(A good example would be Ryan Gosling with a beard.  And if he’s a dirty blond – even better.)

The ideal beard on a man.  The ideal man, with a beard.

I was trying too hard, and yet you were confidently telling me to enjoy the lunch and conversation with my date, but after the date, that would be it.

Instead of listening to you, Self-Doubt and Second-Guessing Myself stepped in and took over.  They told me that I needed to give him more of a chance and that maybe he would grow on me.  But, even after the second date, his personality still seem flat and I finally listened to you and told him there wouldn’t be a third date.

Then there was MassGuy.  I’ll admit that we both agreed in the beginning that if I gave him enough rope that he’d hang himself, which is exactly what he did.  But, how long did I let that go on?  A month?  Six weeks?  I should have listened to you and never even responded to his first email.

Lt. Dan – same thing.  He was the guy who sent me flowers without asking me for my address.  That was creepy.  I didn’t like that at all and it set the tone for the rest of the time I was in contact with him.  But, because Second-Guessing Myself was in my ear, and some of my friends were telling me that I’m too picky, and that I don’t give guys a chance, I ignored you and listened to them instead.

In the end, you were right.  You are always right.  I’m not sure why I continue not trust you and for that I truly want to say that I’m sorry.

I don’t ever want you to leave me and I really would like to see our relationship grow.  So, in moving forward, I promise you that I will give Self-Doubt and Second-Guessing Myself the ol’ heave-ho and won’t let them hang out in my head anymore.

I don’t know what my major malfunction is when it comes to boys; I’m not sure why I just don’t just listen to you, because when it comes to other aspects in my life, I always go with what you tell me – just not when it comes to dating.  But no more.

For now on, it’s just me and you.

Carrie

I Hope I’m Not Digging My Own Grave

As a reminder to my followers, I use nicknames protect the identity of the people I date.  I do it because I feel that this is not about exposing someone, but rather to highlight the fact that dating is not as easy as everyone thinks. “Why Nicknames are Necessary” further explains the need for nicknames.

This story is about Lieutenant Dan. *SAID WITH A FORREST GUMP ACCENT*  His name is not Dan and he is not a Lieutenant, but he is high up in the military – I will just leave it at that.

VIA OK CUPID EMAIL:

LT. DAN:  Hi:) First of all, I live in New Hampshire, so don’t be alarmed about the NC thing:) I am in North Carolina temporarily. I REALLY like your profile and pictures so I was hoping you had some interest…

*30 MINUTES LATER*

LT DAN:  I should also add that I love kissing – lots, and lots, and lots.  I think I am good at it:)

I think I need to explain why he mentions this.  On every OK Cupid profile, one of the questions you have to fill out is what your really good at.  Mine looks like this:

I’M REALLY GOOD AT: 

~Kissing

~Driving a 6-speed

~Kissing

~Mini-golf

~Dancing

~Kissing

~Being a good person and helping others.

Well, I was being honest. I am really good at all the above.  I know I was being a little naughty, but by mentioning the kissing several times, to me, is being playful without being slutty.

Even though I haven’t responded to his first two emails, within an hour, Lt. Dan sends another email.

LT. DAN:  I am really worth a try:)…

Finally, I replied.  I wasn’t ignoring him, I just happened to be chatting with Starbucks Guy.  (That story comes later.) I didn’t even notice I had email waiting for me, until I logged off my chat with Starbucks Guy.

When it rains it pours…

CARRIE:  Are you always this persistent?

LT. DAN:  When I am focused – yes:)  I know what I like – it is a good and bad thing…

We go back and forth with emails.  He tells me that he’s  stationed in North Carolina until May 2012, but will be coming back to NH when he is done.  He also said that he was in the process of getting a divorce, had two kids, and already had a civilian job lined up for when he returned home.

We end up talking on the phone a few days later.  The conversations came easy.  He seems to be nice and normal.   Then I asked to see more pictures, because he only had two on his profile.  He sends it to my cell phone.

When I get the picture, the wind is immediately taken out of my sail.  I don’t even need to take a closer look. I assume that his profile pictures were old pictures.  He’s not as cute in the picture he sent to me.

Now I’m irritated.

I’m also noticing some coldness in his eyes.  Maybe I’m over-reacting?

I decide to ask my friend, Lizzie, for advice.  When I see her, I show her the picture on my cell phone and ask her what she thought.  She mentions the weird look in his eyes, zooms in to get a  closer look and hands the phone back to me.

The magnified picture Lt. Dan’s eye takes up the whole screen on my cell phone and when I see it, I scream.

“Oh my God, Lizzie!  Why would you do that to me?!”

*LIZZIE LAUGH HYSTERICALLY*

A few days later, I visit my friend, Lisa.

“I don’t know, Lisa,  he’s really nice on the phone and I like his profile pictures, but now I don’t think he’s cute anymore after seeing this,” and handed her my cell phone.

“Oh, my God, Carrie.  Does he have a glass eye?!”

I must admit that even though I was doubtful of Lt. Dan’s pictures, from what I knew about him, I liked him and I liked his persistence – until he was calling me every day:  Morning, noon and night.

For instance, he would call before he went into work in the morning, and at the end of the conversation he’d ask, “So, can I call you this afternoon during my lunch?”

After we spoke during his lunch, he would ask again, “So, can I call you after work?”  This was cute the first two days and then it got old.  Really fast.

Oh, and the other thing that I need to mention is that whenever I shared something about my day or issues I had with friends, his answer was always, “Carrie, what you need is a boyfriend.”  Again, the first time was cute, but the next five times were not.

One day, he announces during a phone conversation that he has to leave to go on a mission to an undisclosed location for ten days.  However, he sounded really please with himself, because he would still have email access, therefore, we could still communicate while he was gone.

Oh, thank God, because how could I go a whole ten days without talking to someone who I’ve never met, and have only known for 8 days?

He leaves on his trip.  I’m actually happy about it, because I’m looking at it as a break.

Not a good sign.

The day he leaves, I get a delivery of flowers sent to my house.  The flowers are beautiful, but I’m freaking out, because I have two sets of opposing emotions hitting me at the same time.  First, is of course how happy I was to receive flowers.  Flowers are the cure-all to everything, well, almost everything. Then after reading the card that came with the flowers, it hits me.  I have a sick feeling wash over me, because I realize that he never asked for my address.

Now, you’re probably thinking, what’s the big deal?  Well, I’ll tell you what the big deal is  – I’m not easy to find.  Actually, you can’t find me.

This should have been me…

But, instead, I manage to keep it together and send him a simple email and thanked him.

Carrie:

It was a gamble on the address 🙂  Not trying to be a creeper, as my daughter would say, but thought with all you had going on, it would make you smile. 🙂

It was very thoughtful, I’ll give him that, but I still feel like I need a second opinion, so I start with my brother.

CARRIE:  A guy sent me flowers without asking for my address.  He works as an Intelligence Agent in the military.  Thoughtful or creepy?

NATHAN:  Both.

CARRIE:  Right.  Next.

But, Lt. Dan doesn’t get the boot and I don’t go with my Gut Intuition.  Instead,  that bitch Self-Doubt is doing her thing in my head, telling me that I might be missing out on a really great guy.

While I’m getting my collection of second opinions, Lt. Dan keeps sending me emails, and I keep ignoring them.  I just didn’t know what to say to him. But, after a while, I felt bad, because I figured he was in Afghanistan and after his third email, I could tell he sensed something was wrong.

I finally manage to send him the following:

I guess I’m just going to put it out there, seeing that I’ve been sitting on this for a few days and my feelings haven’t changed about the subject.

It really bothered me that you didn’t ask me for my address before sending me the flowers.  And, I can’t figure out why you wouldn’t have done that to ensure that you didn’t freak me out in some way.

The flowers were a wonderful gesture, but the way you went about doing it has really turned me off.

You’ve been very nice to me, but I’m not sure I want to meet you anymore.

Carrie

How’s that for being forward?  I can’t help it.  I’m a straight shooter and I don’t know of any other way of doing it.  Aim, pull trigger.  Done.

CARRIE:  I keep hearing from Lt. Dan.  He’s being very apologetic…

SINGLE GUY FRIEND:  Is he earning another shot?

CARRIE:   I always second guess myself, because I always think…what if? But, right now, no.  I think I have a date with Starbucks Guy Tuesday night.

SINGLE GUY FRIEND:  What about the other side of the “What If” argument?

CARRIE:  What if he is a good match after all?  And, maybe I’m being silly.  He did offer to fly up here when he gets back from his trip.  He wants to see his kids and meet me.

SINGLE GUY FRIEND:  You’re over-thinking it.  Go with your gut.  Your gut has been right most of the time, right?  Listen, you said he got married after only 4 months and, apparently, he hasn’t learned his lesson.

CARRIE:  He’s a Cancer like me.  I jump in with both feet, too, when I really like someone.  I get that.  I’m just not that into him, plain and simple.  Gut is always right.

SINGLE GUY FRIEND: Sounds like you answered your own question…but, will you listen?

CARRIE:  He’s too over-zealous.  I need to listen to my gut.  Period.

SINGLE GUY FRIEND:  Or, just listen to me…I seem to be in tune with your gut.

Within a 24-hour period, while I’m still contemplating everything, Lt. Dan sends me three lengthy emails.  All I wanted was for the guy to chill.  Give me some space so I could just sort out my thoughts.  I didn’t think it was too much to ask for, but obviously by his reaction, and the amount of emails he was sending, it was obviously eating him up.

The three emails that he sent came within a four-hour window of time and, mind you, he sent the second and the third ones without waiting for my response first.

The guy was freaking out.

I finally answer him, because I didn’t want to see any more lengthy explanations.  After all, he was serving our country and probably sitting in the middle of Afghanistan; the least thing I could do was stop torturing the poor man by replying, right?

See, I’m not heartless after all…

I send him an email telling him that we can still meet when he comes back from his trip – much to the chagrin of my friends.

~~~~~

LIZZIE:  Don’t go on the date – bad vibe.  Please…

CARRIE:  I’m just going to dinner with him.

LIZZIE:  Just be careful.  I want all contact information on Lt. Looney, before you go on date.

CARRIE:  Great new nickname.

LIZZIE:  Glad I could help.  You better come home tonight.

CARRIE:  Did you see Kelly’s response on the Red Headed Writer’s Facebook page?

LIZZIE:  Let me look.

“Yeah, I’d make sure at least half a dozen people knew where I was at all times … something about the whole thing just kinda creeps me out. Like he’s out in the woods right now digging a deep hole.”

LIZZIE:  Oh, great, he’s a grave-digger.  Woman, I want the information where you are going.  It’s bad enough he knows where you live.  And, if you’re dead, you’re not going to live to blog about it by the way….

My date with Lt. Dan was set for a Saturday night.  I give Lizzie his full name, the restaurant, and even the time we are meeting.  Before Lt. Dan offers to pick me up, I take the upper-hand and I tell him that I would just meet him at the restaurant.  I don’t think he liked that too much, but I didn’t care.  He was lucky I was meeting him at all.

~~~~~~

SINGLE GUY FRIEND:  Status update?

CARRIE:  Thank God the date is over!

SINGLE GUY FRIEND:  How long into it were you when you started wishing it to be over?

CARRIE:  An hour.

It was true, as soon as Lt. Dan started down his check list of questions, it extinguished any chance he had with me.  I felt like I was on an interview more than I was on a date:

“Have you ever smoked pot?”

“Have you ever done drugs?”

“Are you affectionate when you are in a relationship?”

“Do you want babies?”

“Do you see yourself getting married?”

“Do you yell when you argue?”

SINGLE GUY FRIEND:  So why did you stay another 3 hours SILLY!!!

CARRIE:  I’m a good conversationalist!  I shouldn’t have had that second glass of wine…

SINGLE GUY FRIEND:  You’re also too nice.  So chalk it up another one to the gut, huh?

CARRIE:  YUP!!

SINGLE GUY FRIEND: NEXT!!!!

CARRIE:  Yes, but he wants to see me on Monday.  Uhg.

SINGLE GUY FRIEND:  You didn’t say you were going to see him Monday, DID YOU??!!

CARRIE:  No.  Just gave him the boot.

SINGLE GUY FRIEND: Yay!  Another heart STOMPED ON by the Red Headed Writer!

CARRIE:  Dude, I need a break from all this dating!!! He was so smitten and I swear he was busy calculating our future in his head all during the date.  It was so obvious.

SINGLE GUY FRIEND: I saw that weeks ago.  Duh.

CARRIE:  Meeeeee toooooo!  Damn it, Gut Intuition wins again.  Seriously, my next blog should be titled “Dear Gut Intuition:  I owe you an apology.”

~~~~~~

LISA:   How was your date with Glass Eye Guy?

CARRIE:  LOL…he doesn’t have a glass eye!  Nice guy, just not for me. Just gave him the boot.

LISA:  I want you to go on The Bachelor.

CARRIE:  Oh, hell no!  Those women are all train wrecks!

LISA:  Nope.  I’m signing you up.

~~~~~~~~~

LIZZIE:  How did it go?

CARRIE:  Lt. Dan was very smitten…and is staying through Monday.  He asked me to see him again and I just told him no chemistry.

LIZZIE:  And what did he say?

CARRIE:  Let me quote, “You are a really nice guy, but I’m not feeling the spark.  I had a great time, but I don’t feel the love connection.”  He wrote back, “Um…OK.  Thank you for being honest.”

LIZZIE:  Now he’s digging that grave.

CARRIE:  You are SO NOT RIGHT.

To Hook-Up, Or Not to Hook-Up: That is the Question

The other day I was joking around with one of my friends and saying that I was once again getting annoyed with the men I was dating, and maybe I should just pick a young, hot guy and just go for it.

Look, I need to work it out and I’m really getting frustrated.  The last guy I was with, was Hot Dog Guy.  Remember him?  Ya, me, too.  And just in case you forgot, because I haven’t, that was back in the beginning of October.

It’s now the end of February.

The idea of hooking-up is always being tossed around in my head.  I mean, it would be so easy to pick out a young, hot, stud-muffin from one of the dating sites.  You should see how many emails I get.  Hell, it would be like shooting fish in a barrel.

Here’s a good example:

FEBRUARY 21, 2012:  Hello there.  So i wasn’t sure what to say here considering everyone else probably gives you the same type of message.

However, i figured i’d be honest and not beat around the bush.

I am looking for a beautiful older woman like yourself to have an incredible experience with. Something ongoing and amazing. I know that there is quite an age difference between us, but i think that is the best part of it. I find the thought of an older woman to be such a turn on and something truly to be desired.

Plus, you’d have a young guy pretty much kneeling at your feet. Worshiping you and treating you like a Goddess. The fact that i am 23 is the best part. I mean, think about it… young guy… in his prime, full of life and energy, CRAZY libido, can go all day and night, recover very very quickly (if you know what i mean) Musician… which means i am amazing with my hands.  I say that is kind of a no brainer, don’t you think?

Not to mention the fact that you are stunning, i mean seriously, i can’t believe you are not in your 20’s!  I’d take you for a hot college student, either that or a hot college professor :p

UPDATE: 02/28/12

Here’s another 20-something year old who wrote to me, “I’m probably a little young for you but thought I’d say hi.”

I cropped out his face to protect the “innocent.”

Do you now see my dilemma?  I think I should get an award for exercising such self-control!!!

~Carrie

My Favorite Anti-Valentine’s Day Songs That You’ve Probably Never Heard

Happy Anti-Valentine’s Day, or as my friend, Erin, says, “Happy Single’s Awareness Day.”

And, to celebrate it, I am posting video’s of a few favorite songs of mine that I’m sure you’ve never heard before.

These are unsigned artists, so their video’s didn’t have thousands of dollars behind them…but these are truly great songs by some really great musicians and song writers.

In no particular order….

A friend of a friend of mine, Miss Leticia Wolf wrote a song that was was so dark and haunting that I couldn’t help but love it.  I mean, if you’re going to go dark – go really dark!  (Please note the black eye in the Vlog was an accident, and not her boyfriend!)

The Windfields “Dreams Ain’t Paying the Bills” – and oldie but a goodie.  They are still my favorite band that never got signed.

Dean Miller “I Feel Bad”

And another one Dean did…I love his witty lyrics!

The Windfields again, but not with the original band members…*big sad face*

Another band that never got signed, The Billygoats, had some great break-ups songs like “Over You,” “Miss Me,” and “Don’t Phase Me.”  You’ll have to look those one up on iTunes because I couldn’t find any videos on them!

Happy Singles Awareness Day!

That’s all I got.

~Carrie

MassGuy – How Men Can Quickly Fumble the Ball

I can’t seem to catch a break!  Uhg.   Here’s another story about how men fumble the ball when it comes to dating:

[I’m] very impressed with your profile.. I think we are a match…just turned 46…look younger…fit, athletic, educated..very driven…romantic, warm, caring, family oriented…hope to talk..bye

————————————————

Don’t you love it when someone says “I’m _____(insert age), but I look younger”?  Ewww.  Isn’t that supposed to be up to me to determine???

I was hesitant about this guy, as I had seen him on the dating sites many times before.   I never liked his pictures.  I didn’t get a good vibe from his profile and he never smiled in his pictures.  I know I shouldn’t judge like that, but I was just going with my gut.  I wasn’t feeling it, so I sent him back my canned email response, whenever I get something that is beyond the standard, “Hi.  How are you?”

————————————————

Thank you for your email, but we are not a match.

————————————————

can I ask you why? we didn’t talk..my profile is vague..I do know that…but talk to and see…

————————————————-

OK, fair enough.  I can’t come up with a reason other than first gut reaction – and that is based upon the fact that you are not smiling in your photos.  Also, we do live 42 miles away from each other.  I just moved back to NH after being gone for a really long time.  I never thought I’d move back, but here I am and now that I’m here, I realize how much I love being around my friends and family.   So, with that being said, I’m not interested in dating someone who doesn’t live in NH.

Carrie

————————————————–

Carrie: 

I am very happy person…see how a pic can change things.. look I am in sales..travel a lot locally..in Manchester tomorrow…are you around lunch time? can meet you for a coffee..better yet…lets talk first.. you will feel differently when we talk..promise..ok

————————————————–

I liked his persistence, so I caved in and gave him my phone number.  We spoke on the phone for a half hour.  He was right.  I liked him so much more after talking to him.  He calmed my fears and anxieties about dating someone who lived in another state by reassuring me that he would drive up to me whenever we had a date.

The following day I took him up on his offer to meet for lunch, but it fell through when his appointment with his client got cancelled.

A week later, he drove up from Massachusetts to take me to Portland Pie for lunch.  We had both parked out cars on the street and were walking up to the entrance at the same time when we saw each other. Even from a distance, I could tell he really liked what he saw, as his whole face lit up like he just won the lottery.  (It must have been my freshly washed hair.)

My first impression was that he was average looking, nervous and needed to grow back his missing sideburns.  But, he did have a certain warmth about him, which I liked.

The restaurant was full, so we ended up sitting at the bar.  I took my coat off and put it on the back of my bar stool and sat down.  We looked over the menus together and both ordered a beer and starting chatting.  Things were good until…I swear, we weren’t even there for five minutes and he invades my personal bubble by holding my hand.

At first, I thought it was cute, but then he put his arm around me, too, and – I’m not going to lie, it was just too much!  He was obviously the affectionate type, which I usually like, but just not on the first date.

I need my personal space.

I took it all in stride and made small conversation with my date.  I could tell he was happier than a pig in poop,  sitting there, eating yummy pizza, drinking beer, watching the Bruins on the TV, and sitting next to me, his date.  Although, it did bothered me a little that he seemed a little bit too comfortable with me for a first date.  I’m not over-reacting here, because he practically introduced me to the guy sitting next to us, as his girlfriend.   Actually, it was worse.

“This is Carrie,” he said as he put his arm around my chair and leaned back so the guy next to him could get a better look at me. “Someday she’ll have my last name.”

Oh, it gets better…

Not only was he acting like we were already a couple, but at one point he turned to me and said, “So, do you want a baby?”

*CHOKES ON PIZZA AND REACHES FOR BEER*

“I’m sorry.  What did you just ask me?!”

 ~7 DAYS LATER~

MASSGUY:  Hi, sorry I’ve been busy.  At a funeral.  Call you later, OK?

CARRIE:  OK.

He never called.

~FIVE DAYS LATER~

MASSGUY:  Hi, tomorrow lunch?

CARRIE:  OK.

MASSGUY:  Call you tomorrow at 11am.  With family now.

CARRIE:  Sounds good.

~THE NEXT DAY~

MASSGUY:  Hey you!! I was just out picking up coffee and my engine light is on!! I can’t drive to you today.  Sorry, but I have to have it looked at.  Can we do Tuesday night?

CARRIE:  Not a problem.  Tuesday night is good.

Tuesday, the plan was to go to dinner and then to a college basketball game in Lowell, Massachusetts.  I agreed to drive the 45 minute trip, only because I thought it was a great idea for a second date.   Which it was.  I had a lot of fun, and I knew he wasn’t going to try anything besides going in for a kiss.  I could handle that.  But, while we were at dinner, he said something that made me think he already had big plans in his head for us.

And, remember, we were on our second date.

“So, would you ever move down to Massachusetts?”

I don’t get it.  Isn’t that a given for anyone who is in love?  I’d move mountains to be with the person I was in love with.  His question made me feel like I was on an interview more than a date.  Shouldn’t he try to get to know me, instead of mapping out a plan in his head of our future?

~TEN DAYS LATER~

MASSGUY:  Hi! I am swamped today!! Need a couple of days.  Just moved into my new apartment and need to constantly buy something.  Sorry, just busy ok.

CARRIE:  No worries.

~SIX DAYS LATER~

MASSGUY:  Are you free tomorrow?  Want to meet me at Southern NH College?  Umass Lowell hoops at 3pm.

Really?  He gives me one-day notice to make plans with me on a Saturday afternoon?  Buddy, what are you thinking?

CARRIE:  Sounds fun, but I already made plans.

MASSGUY:  OK.  Look, let’s try to meet up next week.  I will come to you!! Just a lot going on the past two weeks!!! I do like you.

CARRIE:  Don’t sweat it.  I figured you had a lot on your plate.

At this point, I really didn’t care anymore.  The man never called, and only sent me a text when he wanted to see me.  What happened to trying to get to know me?

I hate that.

MASSGUY:  Thanks, but I do want to see u ok.

CARRIE:  OK.  Next week.  Any time, but Monday and Friday.

MASSGUY:  K  lets talk monday and plan ok.

CARRIE:  Sounds good.

~THE FOLLOWING WEDNESDAY~

MASSGUY:  Are you free sat night?  come hang with me dinner and show u my area.

Ummmm…..what happened to coming to my area?  And, let me guess, he’ll take me to dinner and then he’ll want to show me his new apartment. Then, we’ll have drinks there and then he’ll suggest that I spend the night, because it will be late in the evening and I shouldn’t drive home at that hour…

Did I miss anything?

Ya, I’m all set.

I want a guy that will do things with me.  Take me bowling.  Take me hiking.  Go for a walk with me.  Take me to the movies.  Take me to a game.   Call me!  Get to know me!  What’s so hard about that?!  If I wanted a fuck buddy,  I have several 20-something year old’s that I could choose from with hot little bodies that are always trying to get my attention on Plenty of Crap.  But, again…I’m all set.

Boys are stupid. Dating me is not that hard.  I’m not complicated and I don’t think I ask for too much.  Just treat me with respect and get to know me.  Don’t be needy.  Don’t be creepy.  Spend time with me.  That’s it – and voila!  I will be all yours.

Jesus.

CARRIE:  You are a nice guy, but as I told you before, I really don’t want to date someone who lives in MA.  You seem to be really busy.  Nothing against you, but I’m dating other people who have more time for me.  I hope you understand.

See that?  I’m nice after all…

He never responded.

FREAKING NEXT!!!

Hope for the Best, But Prepare for the Worst!


MARY:  Here’s one for ya. This is a text I received last night from one of the losers a few weeks ago:  “I need help.  I’m officially out on the streets.  Have no place to stay tonight. Can you help me?

CARRIE:  What?????  OMFG!  You met him on what site?  You really need to get the hell outta Los Angeles.

MARY:  OK Cupid.

CARRIE:  Did you ever meet him in person?  Scammer, mother fucker…like he has no friends – he has to turn to a stranger??  You?!

MARY:  Yes, I had one cup of tea with him for an hour.  He’s one of the ones I told you about.

CARRIE:  Creep.

MARY:  Broke ass.  Get a fucking hotel.  Seriously.  I ignored it completely.  Loser.

CARRIE:  What did he say he did for a living?

MARY:  He’s a writer, apparently.  TV and film.  Just moved here.  And then, at the same time, lost the job he was working on and lost his place to stay, too.  That was over a week ago that I kissed him off.  Wished him luck, but told him it’s clearly not good-timing to date him in the unstable state he’s in.  Then I got that out of the blue last night.  Horrifying!  Really?!!

CARRIE:  WTF?  Like he has no family or friends that can wire him money?  I’ll tell you what he doesn’t have…SHAME!

MARY:  Totally.  Always something new and surprising in the world of Internet dating.  And, what would have happened if he knew where I lived?  Creep, is right.

CARRIE:  Did you list how much money you make on your profile? Maybe he was looking for a Sugar Mama?!  *winks*

MARY:  Nope.

CARRIE:  Thankfully, I haven’t had that problem here.

MARY:   You have my permission to blog about it.

CARRIE:  Do you still have all your correspondence with him?  Pictures??

MARY:   Let me see, hang on.

MARY:  He deleted his profile!!!

CARRIE:  And there ya go…..

If there is any advice I can give to those of you who are online dating, it’s that you please cross all your “T’s” and dot all your “I’s” when dating.

Be diligent.

Be smart.

Get their full name and where they live and Google the snot out of it before you meet.  Talk to them on the phone and make sure your friends know all about your date before you meet them.

I’ll let you in on a little secret.  For a variety of reasons, I always snag a few pictures of a guy I’m going to go out with as well as his full profile.  I do this because sometimes I forget details (I do that a lot), plus friends always want to see who the man is behind the nickname.  And, rather than logging into the dating website to view their profile over-and-over like a damn stalker, I look at what I have saved on my computer instead.  And, it’s safer to have that information readily available, just in case you need it.  Like Mary always said about dating, “Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.”

Had Mary copied this guy’s information before her date, my new post might have been written a little differently.  Because, you know me! I would have posted his sorry-ass mug up on my blog  for the whole world to see just what a scam artist looks like.

*SHAKES HEAD*

Some people have no shame.

And, hopefully, I’m right about this guy – that he’s really not this nice, sweet man who is now homeless.   I’ve been known to fall for that kind of stuff.  I’m pretty gullible over the years, but would like to think I’m getting better at detecting bullshit these days.

*PAUSES*

Did I ever tell you about the sociopath I dated?  Ya, that was fun.  He had me convinced he had a brain tumor.

He also had me convinced that he wasn’t married…

Mother.

Next!