Landscape Guy – How to Kill a Perfectly Good Lunch Date

I meet up with Landscape Guy for lunch on a Sunday afternoon. (I like to get the meeting part out of the way – no need to spend endless hours talking on the phone, if the chemistry isn’t going to be there in person.)

I agreed to the date because even though, during our previous phone conversations, I thought he was a bit of a conversation hog.  However, I thought maybe it might be just nervous chatter.

Landscape Guy was a former Wall Street guy.  He made his first million by 30 and then lost it all when he got sued for something.  After that, he had to start all over and decided to go into the landscaping business.  Eight years later, he has his own successful company.  I thought that was pretty impressive.

He brought me out to lunch at a sushi restaurant.  We sat down and I started the conversation with simple questions about flowers and roses.

“What is your secret to growing big Impatiens? I always manage to kill mine for some reason.”

“Water,” he said. “Lots of water.”

I thought my questions were appropriate for our first date, but somehow we got on the subject of his family.  Both parents had died the year before, one right after the other.  Very sad.  And then he goes on to tell me both of his sisters are drug addicts.  Basically, everyone in his family (5 kids) were a screw up.  Strike #1:  TMI.

When I agreed to the lunch, I never realize that there would be three of us: Me, Landscape Guy, and his phone.  While we were eating his phone kept going off – and he kept answering it.  He explained to me that his oldest sister had just texted him yesterday for money, and that he and his younger sister were going back and forth via text wondering if they should give their sister money that she needed for her newborn baby.  Even when he wasn’t texting, he still couldn’t stop talking about the situation, nor could he ignore is phone long enough to enjoy a nice lunch with a nice girl.  That would be me.  Strike #2: No date etiquette.

After the date, we drove back to his house and I got to meet his puppy, Roxy.  Soon after playing with her in outside in the yard, I realized that not only is his life a mess, but his dog was untrained and crazy as well. No discipline, no training – he just thought it was funny how she loved to play all the time she also had the full run of the house.  At 11-months old, he still had not made the time to get his dog neutered yet.

So, nice enough guy – but definitely not for me.  He doesn’t need a girlfriend – he needs a therapist.  And by no means was it nervous chatter, because I know what nervous chatter sounds like, and that wasn’t it!  Dude needs a therapist!

You know you’ve had a bad date when you are more than happy to leave!  Needless to say, there will not be a second date.  Strike #3:  Couldn’t get out of there fast enough!



DC Dude: Part 2 – Just When I Gave Up, He Showed Up

(Continued from DC Dude: Part 1)

It’s 12:30am on Wednesday, September 8th.  My phone rings and wakes me up out of a dead sleep. I roll over and grab my phone off the night stand – taking in a deep breath, I’m thinking to myself this better be important.

I read the caller ID with one eye open – too tired to open both eyes.

Caller ID:  DC Dude.

Immediately, my other eye opens so it could verify what the other eye just saw. Holy crap – it’s DC Dude!

In the middle of the night?!


I’m staring at the caller ID. My mind is blank – still in a fog from being woken up at 12:15am. I try to decide if I should answer it or not.  I haven’t heard from DC Dude in weeks – so typical.  He’s never been consistent and just when I’ve got him out of my head again, what happens? He contacts me again.

My phone is still ringing.

This is not funny.

Seriously, I’m not laughing.

Back in December 2009, I met DC Dude on Match from Hell.  We instantly clicked and we wanted to meet each other right away, so we planned a 3-day weekend in Georgetown where he lived.  After a long drive down on a Thursday night, we meet, spend the night together, toured the monuments the following day with his friend and walked in the snow hand-in-hand during an amazing snow storm.  But, somewhere during the course of  the weekend he became distant. It wasn’t until Sunday that he finally told me he might be losing his job and his mind had been elsewhere – well, at least that’s the reason he gave me. I left that Sunday afternoon feeling  defeated and  just wanting to crawl under a rock because without a job he said there would be no “us.”

I was completely crushed.

Still holding onto some hope, I thought we would at least stay in touch and stay close friends. But that didn’t happen.  Instead, we would talk randomly, but he never sounded like the same person.  The spark had left and we went from talking every day to talking every few  weeks or months.

One thing for sure is that he sucked at keeping in touch, but he was really good at popping up right when I finally stopped thinking about him.  For instance, I remember driving to work on a beautiful beautiful summer morning and playing my Phoenix CD in Red Rocket. (She goes faster when the music is louder.)Red Rocket 2.0 Listening to the CD always reminded me of DC Dude, because it was him who had told me about it. And, as easy as that, I started thinking about him again.  When I got into work, I shot him a text, for the hell of it.

CARRIE: Good morning!

DC DUDE: Good morning!

DC DUDE: “DC Dude”?!? LMFAO!!!! 🙂

CARRIE:  Are you reading my blog???!!!!!

DC DUDE: Yep. Reading the K-9 thing…..glad I didn’t piss you off! However, I have not checked to verify if any character degradation has been blogged in the last 7 months!

DC DUDE:  I’m going in reverse through them. I’m in February now…

CARRIE: You need to read them in order! One blends into the other.

DC DUDE: I got no credit for the Stephen King book! Damn!

CARRIE:  I thought I did give you credit!

DC DUDE: LMFAO!!!! I love this shit.

CARRIE:  Glad you like it.

DC DUDE: LMAO…Plenty of white trash!!!!

Then he eventually got to the one I wrote about him…..

DC DUDE: I did in fact lose my job a week later (Dec 20). After I compiled a market report for the company and disclosed all my contacts. Thank you. 🙂

DC DUDE: But you were right. I should have kept focus on you after driving 250 miles. I apologize. That was a wonderful weekend.

DC DUDE: You’re writing better now than before! Nice progression, good work! Keep it up!

I sat there at my desk staring at the text. Holy crap, he just apologized to me. I had just been validated.  It wasn’t me – it was him.  I felt my head getting hot and my emotions surfacing again, even after I had successfully kept them in the lock-down position.

I tried doing some work, only to hear my cell phone ring. It was DC Dude. I answered it with a smile on my face.  I could hear him laughing on the other end.

“I just read your blog, so now I know how much you hate texting, so I thought I’d better call instead!”

Smart man.

As my luck would have it, I had to cut our conversation short, because the morning commotion in my office had begun and I had to get some work done. But before we hung up, we both agreed that we would continue the conversation after work.

When I got home later that day, I tried calling him, but all I got was his voice mail. I tried to reach out to him over the next few days, but I didn’t get a response. I was getting frustrated again…

Maybe I’ll try to call him one more time…


(That was the imaginary hand hitting me up-side my head.)


Right on queue, the Evil Voice of Reason inside my head started laughing at me and said, “Okay, Carrie, enough! Get your head out of the clouds, He’s Just Not That Into You

You read the book.

You saw the movie.


Get your head together, sister! You know the drill! Snap out of it and stop day-dreaming! He’s stubborn, he’s uncommunicative and he’s not interested in being your friend. Don’t waste the pretty and move on! You know the rules: You get what you give, and you ain’t been getting nothing.”

That had been two months ago and now my phone was ringing in the middle of the night and it was him.  Him!

DC Dude….

Seriously, I just got him out of my head – again!


Finally, I answer it.

Sounding much more awake and perkier than I was, I heard that familiar deep, sexy voice I always loved, “Hey, where did you say you lived again?”

Really? In the middle of the night he wanted clarification on where I live?  Irritated with his question, I tell him anyway.

“Well, I’m on the road that you live on right now – next to the college. You’re near the college, right?  How far away are you?”

Yes, I’m next to the college….why….what?  Holy crap!

I try to clear my groggy voice, “What are you doing here?”

He explains that he was in town to help his friend, Stevie, move his parents out of their house, as a favor.  But, unbeknownst to him, they lived literally up the street from me.

It had only dawned on DC Dude that he would be near me just as they approached their exit, DC Dude thought the name of the town looked familiar.  (He did send me a Christmas card right before we actually met, but that was nine months ago!)

“So, you’re telling me that you are up the street from me right now?  Like right next to the college? Oh my God, you are so close!”  I started getting excited at the prospect of seeing him again, “Start walking!  Head down the hill and I will meet you in my driveway!”

In a complete panic, I throw on my clothes, brush my teeth and try not to look like halfway decent.

My head swirled with thoughts and emotions while I was getting ready – mostly emotions…

How did this happen?!  He lives 250 miles away!  This is so random.

My phone vibrated and was DC Dude.

DC DUDE: “Soooooo……..DC Dude shows up outta nowheres!”

I laugh. He knows me so well and, damn right, this night will be blogged about!

We meet in the driveway. The last time I had seen him was in December when we it had snowed two feet during “Snowmageddon” and now it was a beautiful Fall evening in September, still warm enough for me to wear sandals and a skirt.

It had been a long time and here I was walking towards him on my driveway.  All I could see was his silhouette, but it was indeed him.  Excited to see him, but still not knowing if I was setting myself up for another disappointment, I managed to say to him as he approached me, “I don’t know if I should hit you or hug you.”

(I decided a hug was more appropriate and lady-like.)

It was an embrace that was long overdue and a kiss I had been longing for. That moment had been a long-time and coming for the both of us – that I can say with 110% certainty. It just felt right to be in his arms again.

We walked into my house, stopped in the kitchen for a little make-out session, and again a long hug.  He held me for a while, gently rocking me back-and-forth.  I didn’t want that moment to end, but I pulled back not wanting to reveal too much of how I really felt.

We climbed my spiral staircase into my bedroom together. He put his duffel bag on the floor and slowly walked around my large bedroom. I sat on the bed and watched him look at my photographs on the walls. Most of them were from the days when I did a little modeling.

“You used to model?” I didn’t answer him and just kept watching him look at my pictures.   Looking a little bewildered he said, “How come you never got married?”

I decided not to answer his question, probably too busy juggling the several sarcastic comments crossing my mind.  Besides, the list of reasons I could have given him was just too long to recite.  After all, we only had so much time together.

We made some more small talk.  I got my digs in for not staying in touch with me all these months and never calling – and never taking my calls.

“Carrie, I hate texting. Call me instead.”

Ya, okay, I already tried that and that didn’t work either, fucker.

We argued whether or not I had called him, and somehow we got back to his apology he had started to say to me two months ago as I sat in my office on the phone with him.

“I wanted to say it to your face this time – an apology should be in person.”

At that point, I stopped breathing and just stood there looking at him. I started thinking that it’s easier for me to get over you when you are the bad guy.  Stop being a good guy right now and stop apologizing. That stuff actually hits home with me, so just quit it. Tomorrow you will leave and you will be the bad guy again. There – see? I can do this. Bad guys always leave…

It was late in the night – probably around 2:30am.  We both needed to go to sleep.  I had to get up early to go to work and he had to go move his friend’s parents out of their house.  We ended up crawling into bed completely naked. I couldn’t remember when the last time I had shaved my legs – never mind that the Princess was completely o’natural these days, but I didn’t care. Nothing mattered. I just wanted him to hold me in his arms for the rest of the night. I just wanted to feel his naked body against mine.  I just wanted to believe I had him back again – even if it was only for the night.

The following morning we woke up with our legs and arms still entwined around each other. I remember smiling softly thinking that I had a man in my bed! And it’s DC Dude! Hell, I thought I had a better chance at winning the lottery than ever seeing him again.

But, there he was, next to me – and we didn’t even have sex. What’s wrong with me?! He tried, he offered, but I just wasn’t in that head space and he didn’t push it. Condoms were right next to the bed all ready to go, but dealing with the emotions that surfaced because he was right there in front of me and hurting for nine long months, there was just too much going on in my head.

For me, sex is something that has to be built up. In this day and age, I probably could be sleeping around like everyone else, but I’m just not built like that. It’s just never been my style. Besides, having a few hours to talk and actually see him was more important to me than anything else. Anyone can have sex, but not everyone can just lay there in bed and feel a connection. I was content just laying there next to him.

The following morning, I got up, showered and got ready for work. DC Dude had checked in with Stevie and was shocked when he said Stevie’s parents invited us to join them for breakfast at one of the local diners.  I just wanted to have more time with DC Dude, so I made a call into boss #1 and told him I was going to be late.

Breakfast was nice but, afterward, there was no long good-bye between me and DC Dude. I don’t even know if I looked him in the eye when I left. I just remember throwing my arms around him and giving him a quick kiss. That was it. Had Stevie’s parents not been there, it probably would have been different because there were so many things I wanted to say and yet I couldn’t say anything. What was the point?  I had retreated back into my shell knowing the inevitable was going to happen – he was leaving and things would go right back to where they were before he showed up. He wouldn’t be calling and neither would I.

For the record, this has taken me two weeks to get this blog finished. Yes, two weeks…along with a half a box of Kleenex, 2.5 bottles of red wine, repeated plays of Adele, The Billygoats, Alison Krauss, Patty Griffin, Shelby Lynne, 10 sticks of Nag Champa, one accidental deletion of this post and four complete rewrites to get to this finished.

Maybe, if I wasn’t having my period I could have made it a little funnier.

I’m usually a lot funnier!

Maybe if it had been someone else, anyone else, besides DC Dude…this wouldn’t have been such a big deal.

I feel better now that I’ve got it all off my chest.  My head is back in the right space.  I’m taking my brother’s advice and look!  My dance card is already starting to fill up again. It’s out of my hands.  And like Nathan always reminds me:  Life goes on.

Crazy things always happen to me – the unexplainable or the weird circumstances that just fall into place. To say the least, it definitely has made my life interesting. I may not always understand it, or agree with it, and sometimes the biggest hurts, ironically, turn out to be the biggest blessings. But no matter what they have always renewed my faith in God.   Life does go on and I will always expect the crazy, unexplainable things will keep happening…

…like the night DC Dude showed up out of nowhere’s….


Dear Dating Gods…

Dear Dating Gods:

I’ll be honest with you, I’m not sure how much longer I can go penis free…  I’m really starting to climb the walls here. After all, I am in my “prime” you know!

Look, you know I’m really Hell-bent on doing the right thing for myself and I want to set the example for others, but…I don’t know how much longer I can hold out!

I’ve been staying away from all the temptation, well, not that it hasn’t been all that hard.  No dates recently, and I just recently cleared the playing field to start the New Year off right, even though there was only two contestants. I just wasn’t into them.  So, they got the boot and the “I’m just not feeling the chemistry,” speech.

For research reasons, and for entertainment value, I’m still on-and-off Plenty of Crap and Match from Hell.  Most people would think it’s a waste of time, but I have definitely scored ideas on what I want to write about in a book. I’ve had guys on there interested in me, but they fall short in so many ways (too many to list here) and nobody has been able to fill the shoes of the guy I sorely deserve.

Indeed, I have set the bar high. Screw it. I know what I want, and I’m not going to lower my standards just so I don’t have to be ALONE anymore.  Most women would, but I’m not most women.  And Dating Gods, it does bother me that women do this, and again, I’m just trying to set the example here. Like Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”  So, I’m trying!  My choices may not be the most popular, but I know they are right for me.

Having said all of that I would like to know, if it’s not too much to ask for….could you please send Alexander Scarsgard my way?  He would definitely fit the bill!

Thank you, Dating Gods, I REALLY appreciate it!


Hell ya, I’m aiming high!  I just watched back-to-back episodes of HBO’s “Generation Kill” and ladies, I don’t know about you, but it was like porn to me! 

Ay dios mío!

Seriously, just like a drug, as soon as one episode was over, I was clicking onto the next.  When the DVD ended, I immediately stuffed it in the Netflix envelope and ran it out to the mailbox before the mailman got there, just to ensure I got the next one as soon as possible.

That’s what a drug addict does, right?  Frantically searches for their next fix? Well, that’s been me then.  Frantic, tail-feathers rustled, pining to see more hot marines – dirty, sweaty men…carrying their M16’s…

Yes, I know, it’s the short hair, the muscles, the tattoos, the guns…their ability to be respectful even when they disagree – it’s their integrity, their guts, their selflessness, their brazenness, their commitment…do you see where I’m going here?  Give me a guy who has those attributes, and I’ll show you a girl who’s in love.

(That would be me.)

OK, maybe dude doesn’t have to own or carry a gun, but I can dream, right?  I mean, guys like big boobs and long legs on girls, why can’t I have a guy that knows how to use a firearm?  It’s a turn-on, and any girl who says that it isn’t – has never dated a man who carries a gun.

How about dating a cop, you ask?  I already dated two.  I’m not saying that all cops are crazy…but I’ll just play it safe here and say they are just not for me.  One dude was definitely bat-shit crazy, and the other was already married…to his job.  Noble of him, but that just didn’t work for me, however, we still remain friends.


It’s always good to have a NYC cop in your back pocket for those times when you just might need to use that “Get Out of Jail Free” card…otherwise known in NYC as a PBA card. I have four.


Which, reminds me…I need my new one for 2011.  Looks like I will be taking a trip downtown to see my Undercover Brother.  *Ding!*  Or maybe I just need to send out the bat signal.

OK, enough about the cop.

Back to the marines….

What’s there not to love?