(Continued from DC Dude: Part 3 “Where Is Your Heart?”)
Did you really think that the last blog on DC Dude would be the last? Clearly, it’s not, because here I am writing part four.
After spending hours writing Part 3, I realized that I had left no room for discourse with DC Dude – I just went at him. I wasn’t asking him questions. I just assumed I knew everything and started blasting him. (I can be really good at that.)
It was only after editng my post that I realized I sounded like a crazy, bitter girl, which I am not. I was just frustrated and hurt with his lack of communication. I felt horrible for the tone I had used. Where was the kind, loving girl that my grandmother had raised? I had no idea what was going on in his world and what did I have to lose by reaching out to him with an apology and telling him how I really felt? My gut was telling me to go for it.
So I did…
CARRIE: As hard as I try…
CARRIE: I can’t stop thinking about you. That’s the truth. Yes, I miss you. And, I shouldn’t have come across the way I did – I hope you can understand why – I was just so frustrated with you.
DC DUDE: Good. Think of you as well. Forgiven.
CARRIE: LOL…I haven’t apologized yet!
CARRIE: I know I should be calling you rather than texting, but I have a hard time actually saying things sometimes. Scary for me… So I’m going to be a chicken shit and just text you, OK? First, is this a good time or are you busy?
DC DUDE: Ya ya. OK.
CARRIE: Great…now there’s an awful feeling in my stomach and I’m drawing a blank…
DC DUDE: Ugh. Try counting backwards from 50 to 0.
CARRIE: I think I’m going to barf. Watery mouth, etc. Dammit. I can do this *mumbles expletive*
DC DUDE: The word is “FUCK.”
CARRIE: Yes, that “F” word that I try not to use..thank you very much…
CARRIE: There are some things that I’m very confident about…and then there are some things that I’m not. You have thrown me off so many times, but I keep coming back to what my gut tells me… To like you on any level is hard, because I feel that you have already rejected me once…and who the “F” does that?
CARRIE: 50, 49, 48, 47, 46, 45…
CARRIE: 44, 43, 42…
DC DUDE: Enough.
CARRIE: This doesn’t work – this counting thing.
DC DUDE: Hell no.
CARRIE: OK, you really need to work on elaborating and use longer sentences. Using just one or two words can easily be misconstrued.
DC DUDE: Then call.
So, I did. We ended up talking for over an hour. I finally got off my chest about how I really felt, and that I didn’t believe that our September run-in was a coincidence. I told him that I wasn’t looking for meaningless sex; I wanted intimacy. And, in order to have intimacy, I needed chemistry, which I felt that I had with him. I missed him and our conversations. Finally, I said I didn’t think it was fair to try to date other guys, when I knew I was stuck on him. I proposed that we start over. What did I have to lose?
He was definitely surprised by what I said to him, because, if you remember, the last thing I said to him was to leave me the *bleep* alone. (See DC Dude Part 3: “Where is Your Heart?”)
At the end of our conversation he told me he would seriously think about everything I had said. I had read Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus, so I figured he just needed to go into his cave and think about things.
In my mind, and in my heart, I just wanted to come clean. I just needed to know – was there real chemistry between us or not? I knew I wasn’t going to find out unless I gave it my best shot and that I laid out all my cards. I wanted to follow my own advice: You get what you give. I knew we weren’t going to get anywhere unless I showed him I was willing to put some effort in first.
After our talk, I switched up my game plan. I started texting less, and calling more. If I wanted to talk to him, I didn’t wait for his call; I called him. I noticed our conversations slowly started to flow again. He ended up telling me that after struggling for a whole year he was financially back on his feet again and had started a new company. I was genuinely happy for him.
At the end of April, we made plans to spend a long weekend together.
But just as I booked my flight, he stopped calling and stopped returning my texts. That’s never a good sign.
Two weeks before my trip, I called to touch base. He answered and said he was on vacation with his father in Florida and that he’d call me in a few days.
A week went by and guess what? No call from DC Dude.
A few days before I was scheduled to fly down to see him, I called him around 2:00pm to make sure we were still on. He answered sounding flustered, and said he would call me back later.
And hour later I get this text:
DC DUDE: Carrie, I just can’t do it this week, dear. Too much going on right now. My apologies.
CARRIE: And you tell this to me in a text?
DC DUDE: With people right now.
I couldn’t believe it. Yes, I was disappointed that he had to cancel, but he said this to me in a text? Calling me would have been the right thing to do, after all it had been 10 days since I last heard from him.
I give him a few hours and then I send him another text:
CARRIE: We need to talk about this. What time is good for you?
He didn’t reply, but thank God I had one of my best friends, Beth, was on the phone with me – helping me keep things in perspective.
“A guy that really likes you Carrie, would have at least the decency to call you.”
Right after spoke with Beth my other friend, Brigitte, called and invited me over for dinner. For the record, “dinner” with Brigitte doesn’t mean just dinner. Oh, no. It means dinner and endless coffee martini refills that she makes so well.
Around 9:00pm and a Martini later, I checked my cell phone and DC Dude still had not responded. Irritated, I just decided to call it how I saw it.
CARRIE: I’m not going to assume anything, but I can speak for myself: That hurt. A lot. I remember when you were really excited about me. I don’t know what happened, but you have lost it, which is OK – except we have been carrying on now for almost 1.5 years. I said how I felt about you. If you don’t feel the same – that’s OK, too. But, the right thing would have been to not lead me on – like I said before, I was into you for all the right reasons and put my best foot forward with an open heart. If you like me, well, you just don’t show it. And, canceling on me via text…well that’s just crap – I deserve at least a phone call. You don’t have to say anything – because you already said it; by not calling and not returning my texts for well over a week now. I can’t do this. I thought you would at least be honest with me and give me the courtesy of calling. I deserved at least that.
DC Dude: Hey drama queen. Hold the bullshit until I’m done working! Jesus, I just got back from being away with my father in FL for 11 days!!!! AFTER a hellacious 5 months creating this company. Goddammit get off yourself and realize I WAS being honest. HOLY SHIT – RELAX and be patient, please.
Oh, my God! Did he just call me a drama queen and tell me to get over myself? MYSELF? I haven’t heard from him in 10 days…and he’s telling me to get over myself?
Seeing those words made me want to laugh like Tom Hanks in “The Money Pit”…
CARRIE: Get over myself? Drama queen? Really? Wow…this just keeps getting better.
DC DUDE: Yes, because you know me better. Just be understanding and patient, please. I had to miss a meeting in NC this afternoon b/c I was so damn busy I could not leave.
CARRIE: You don’t talk to me. You don’t call me. You don’t return my texts…what do you expect? I’m not a mind-reader and I’m not there to see what is going on. I can be patient. I think I have been patient. I don’t think I have asked for too much from you – just common courtesy and honesty. I didn’t even know you were leaving to go on a vacation, you don’t call the whole time and then you cancel our plans? What should I think?
Again, no reply. No acknowledgement of my feelings. No nothing.
It was getting late, I said good-bye to Brigitte and drove home. I was pissed. I was hurt. I was done being patient and giving him the benefit of the doubt. Where was the consideration for my feelings?
I began to think: If this was a taste of how things were yet to come, if this was how he handled himself in stressful times, if this is how he handled my feelings by dismissing them, then I wanted nothing to do with him. Not only was the writing on the wall, but it was lit up like Time Square on New Year’s Eve.
CARRIE: Look, I know you “like” me, but I’m “in like” with you. BIG difference. Call me a drama queen, but if you were dying to see me, you would have made it happen. I don’t know what your deal is, this all sounds like excuses to me. So, I call bullshit. I think you are just fucking afraid. A-F-R-A-I-D, mother fucker! (swearing intentional!) That’s the truth – I just wanted YOU to say it.
CARRIE: *RAISING MIDDLE FINGER* And that’s for making me cry. I’m done.
He didn’t respond at all that night, but Nathan did chime in via text right in the middle of my melt-down.
NATHAN: So, DC Dude blew you off? Men. Can’t live with ’em. Can’t perform complicated brain surgery replacing 64.5% of the brain and replacing it with a programmable chip.
CARRIE: He apologized and asked me to be patient. Really? What does that mean? He was just on vacation for 11 days and didn’t call me. WTH? Don’t you think I deserve better? I mean, even The Senator treats me better than that. When The Senator picks me up, he comes to the door. And when he drops me off, he always asks if he can walk me to the door…and DC Dude can’t even call me to say he has to cancel?
NATHAN: Sounds bad. If you want the answer to the question of what do I think? If he was dying to be with you, he would show it. He’s not showing it. Also, the chase, Carrie! You gotta think of the chase! Don’t make yourself so available.
CARRIE: I did for the last YEAR. That didn’t work either…and if someone has to play games, then they are only in it for the games. I want something REAL.
NATHAN: Ya gotta act like every guy means pretty much nothing until he does a back-flip off a 60-story building with flowers and chocolates in his hands. They are not games. Just sorting out the weak. You wanna mate with the lions, not the cubs.
CARRIE: The weak play games. The strong are honest with their feelings. I put mine out on the table a month ago! Screw him if he can’t deal. He was a lot like MG… Maybe that was a red flag right there.
NATHAN: Yip. Could be!
CARRIE: They can both suck it for making me cry! Boys suck, Nathan.
NATHAN: Yup. They do.
CARRIE: That selfish prick doesn’t even acknowledge my feelings AND he makes me cry? Oh, I don’t think so! I’m so done.
The hopeless romantic in me says that love isn’t supposed to be this difficult. Love isn’t supposed to leave me hanging or guessing. Love is supposed to make me feel confident – and DC Dude…well, we all know how he made me feel.
PS: Don’t worry, I exchanged that R/T ticket to DC in for a 10-day trip to Florida with Beth.