I can’t seem to catch a break!  Uhg.   Here’s another story about how men fumble the ball when it comes to dating:

[I’m] very impressed with your profile.. I think we are a match…just turned 46…look younger…fit, athletic, educated..very driven…romantic, warm, caring, family oriented…hope to talk..bye

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Don’t you love it when someone says “I’m _____(insert age), but I look younger”?  Ewww.  Isn’t that supposed to be up to me to determine???

I was hesitant about this guy, as I had seen him on the dating sites many times before.   I never liked his pictures.  I didn’t get a good vibe from his profile and he never smiled in his pictures.  I know I shouldn’t judge like that, but I was just going with my gut.  I wasn’t feeling it, so I sent him back my canned email response, whenever I get something that is beyond the standard, “Hi.  How are you?”

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Thank you for your email, but we are not a match.

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can I ask you why? we didn’t talk..my profile is vague..I do know that…but talk to and see…

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OK, fair enough.  I can’t come up with a reason other than first gut reaction – and that is based upon the fact that you are not smiling in your photos.  Also, we do live 42 miles away from each other.  I just moved back to NH after being gone for a really long time.  I never thought I’d move back, but here I am and now that I’m here, I realize how much I love being around my friends and family.   So, with that being said, I’m not interested in dating someone who doesn’t live in NH.

Carrie

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Carrie: 

I am very happy person…see how a pic can change things.. look I am in sales..travel a lot locally..in Manchester tomorrow…are you around lunch time? can meet you for a coffee..better yet…lets talk first.. you will feel differently when we talk..promise..ok

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I liked his persistence, so I caved in and gave him my phone number.  We spoke on the phone for a half hour.  He was right.  I liked him so much more after talking to him.  He calmed my fears and anxieties about dating someone who lived in another state by reassuring me that he would drive up to me whenever we had a date.

The following day I took him up on his offer to meet for lunch, but it fell through when his appointment with his client got cancelled.

A week later, he drove up from Massachusetts to take me to Portland Pie for lunch.  We had both parked out cars on the street and were walking up to the entrance at the same time when we saw each other. Even from a distance, I could tell he really liked what he saw, as his whole face lit up like he just won the lottery.  (It must have been my freshly washed hair.)

My first impression was that he was average looking, nervous and needed to grow back his missing sideburns.  But, he did have a certain warmth about him, which I liked.

The restaurant was full, so we ended up sitting at the bar.  I took my coat off and put it on the back of my bar stool and sat down.  We looked over the menus together and both ordered a beer and starting chatting.  Things were good until…I swear, we weren’t even there for five minutes and he invades my personal bubble by holding my hand.

At first, I thought it was cute, but then he put his arm around me, too, and – I’m not going to lie, it was just too much!  He was obviously the affectionate type, which I usually like, but just not on the first date.

I need my personal space.

I took it all in stride and made small conversation with my date.  I could tell he was happier than a pig in poop,  sitting there, eating yummy pizza, drinking beer, watching the Bruins on the TV, and sitting next to me, his date.  Although, it did bothered me a little that he seemed a little bit too comfortable with me for a first date.  I’m not over-reacting here, because he practically introduced me to the guy sitting next to us, as his girlfriend.   Actually, it was worse.

“This is Carrie,” he said as he put his arm around my chair and leaned back so the guy next to him could get a better look at me. “Someday she’ll have my last name.”

Oh, it gets better…

Not only was he acting like we were already a couple, but at one point he turned to me and said, “So, do you want a baby?”

*CHOKES ON PIZZA AND REACHES FOR BEER*

“I’m sorry.  What did you just ask me?!”

 ~7 DAYS LATER~

MASSGUY:  Hi, sorry I’ve been busy.  At a funeral.  Call you later, OK?

CARRIE:  OK.

He never called.

~FIVE DAYS LATER~

MASSGUY:  Hi, tomorrow lunch?

CARRIE:  OK.

MASSGUY:  Call you tomorrow at 11am.  With family now.

CARRIE:  Sounds good.

~THE NEXT DAY~

MASSGUY:  Hey you!! I was just out picking up coffee and my engine light is on!! I can’t drive to you today.  Sorry, but I have to have it looked at.  Can we do Tuesday night?

CARRIE:  Not a problem.  Tuesday night is good.

Tuesday, the plan was to go to dinner and then to a college basketball game in Lowell, Massachusetts.  I agreed to drive the 45 minute trip, only because I thought it was a great idea for a second date.   Which it was.  I had a lot of fun, and I knew he wasn’t going to try anything besides going in for a kiss.  I could handle that.  But, while we were at dinner, he said something that made me think he already had big plans in his head for us.

And, remember, we were on our second date.

“So, would you ever move down to Massachusetts?”

I don’t get it.  Isn’t that a given for anyone who is in love?  I’d move mountains to be with the person I was in love with.  His question made me feel like I was on an interview more than a date.  Shouldn’t he try to get to know me, instead of mapping out a plan in his head of our future?

~TEN DAYS LATER~

MASSGUY:  Hi! I am swamped today!! Need a couple of days.  Just moved into my new apartment and need to constantly buy something.  Sorry, just busy ok.

CARRIE:  No worries.

~SIX DAYS LATER~

MASSGUY:  Are you free tomorrow?  Want to meet me at Southern NH College?  Umass Lowell hoops at 3pm.

Really?  He gives me one-day notice to make plans with me on a Saturday afternoon?  Buddy, what are you thinking?

CARRIE:  Sounds fun, but I already made plans.

MASSGUY:  OK.  Look, let’s try to meet up next week.  I will come to you!! Just a lot going on the past two weeks!!! I do like you.

CARRIE:  Don’t sweat it.  I figured you had a lot on your plate.

At this point, I really didn’t care anymore.  The man never called, and only sent me a text when he wanted to see me.  What happened to trying to get to know me?

I hate that.

MASSGUY:  Thanks, but I do want to see u ok.

CARRIE:  OK.  Next week.  Any time, but Monday and Friday.

MASSGUY:  K  lets talk monday and plan ok.

CARRIE:  Sounds good.

~THE FOLLOWING WEDNESDAY~

MASSGUY:  Are you free sat night?  come hang with me dinner and show u my area.

Ummmm…..what happened to coming to my area?  And, let me guess, he’ll take me to dinner and then he’ll want to show me his new apartment. Then, we’ll have drinks there and then he’ll suggest that I spend the night, because it will be late in the evening and I shouldn’t drive home at that hour…

Did I miss anything?

Ya, I’m all set.

I want a guy that will do things with me.  Take me bowling.  Take me hiking.  Go for a walk with me.  Take me to the movies.  Take me to a game.   Call me!  Get to know me!  What’s so hard about that?!  If I wanted a fuck buddy,  I have several 20-something year old’s that I could choose from with hot little bodies that are always trying to get my attention on Plenty of Crap.  But, again…I’m all set.

Boys are stupid. Dating me is not that hard.  I’m not complicated and I don’t think I ask for too much.  Just treat me with respect and get to know me.  Don’t be needy.  Don’t be creepy.  Spend time with me.  That’s it – and voila!  I will be all yours.

Jesus.

CARRIE:  You are a nice guy, but as I told you before, I really don’t want to date someone who lives in MA.  You seem to be really busy.  Nothing against you, but I’m dating other people who have more time for me.  I hope you understand.

See that?  I’m nice after all…

He never responded.

FREAKING NEXT!!!