We won’t break tradition, so I’ve nicknamed this guy, K9 Cop, you know, to protect the innocent….
This was his first email to me on a dating website:
“Hi. I’m fairly new to all this so writing to someone I’ve never met is still strange. I’m not looking to jump into bed or date a million girls. Just one. I liked your profile and I hope I don’t sound like a dumb ape when I say your beautiful. I hope you write back.”
Most cops are not the best spellers, so I wasn’t going to hold it against him. Although, to me, having a good command of the English language has always a big turn-on.
Maybe he has some other redeeming qualities?
Okay, not my type…
Oh, God. He’s got the annoying kissie-face pictures and it was taken in the car. And, he’s not even wearing his seat-belt…
Too many selfies, tells me he has no friends.
He looks as big as a house. Maybe spends just a little bit too much time at the gym? Is that even natural?
He’s definitely got an older “Jersey Shore” look going on.
Not a fan.
I look further at his profile he’s 41-years old, 6’1″, a police officer, looking for a long-term relationship and loves animals.
His profile reads:
“I’m not looking to jump into bed or date a different woman every night. I’m just looking for one really good one. I love animals and even have a German Shepherd who works with me, so please like animals. I’m not a big bar or club guy. Like the gym, dinner, movies, anything is nice with right person. If you were ever a “dancer” or have boob implants bigger than your head than your probably not for me. Gonna try this one more time.”
I almost wrote back to him and said, “So, as long as my ‘boob implants’ aren’t bigger than my head, you’d still consider me?
Who says that? I really wasn’t interested in him. The stupid mirror photo always throws me off, because you and I both know that that picture has been sent to several people.
I’m not stupid.
Nothing really appealing to me on his profile, except wait…what is that?!
What is that?! Oh, my God. It’s a baby deer…..ohhhhhhh!!!!!! A baby deer on his bed!!!!!!!!!
OK, maybe he does have a big heart and loves animals. What’s there not to like about a guy who let’s a baby deer into his home – and sleeps on his bed?
How freaking cute!!
So, I write back to him and ask him to tell me the story about the baby deer. (There is no love match here, but I’m a little bored.) He writes back and says he saw a dead deer on the side of the road one day, and out of the corner of his eye he saw the fawn laying next to it’s dead mother. He stops, picks up the fawn, brings it home and has been feeding it goat milk for the past four weeks.
Animal lover – redeems everything I didn’t like about him – even the mirror photo!
We email back and forth a few times, then he asks for my number. I’m in the Catskill Mountains for the weekend where there really is no reception, so talking on the phone was out of the question. I give up my digits and we start texting.
For the first week, I noticed that all we did was text, but he did ask me out to dinner, he just didn’t say when.
Pro: He asked me out to dinner early on.
Con: He never asked anything about myself. I was always the one asking questions.
A few days go by, more random texting. He tells me how busy he is rescuing dogs and that his ten chickens on his property (he rescued from the slaughter house) were just eaten by something while he was away. How horrible. I send my condolences, he’s literally heart-broken – well as much as I can tell by his texts!
I ask about the baby deer, he sends me these:
He also tells me that the follow week he will have a few days off, and that’s when we can go out to dinner.
Pro: He’s not asking to meet for coffee.
Con: He didn’t say which days he had off – which is sketchy.
The next day, he checks in with me…via text of course.
K9Cop: Send me a photo.
Carrie: Of what?!
K9Cop: Of you, silly!
Oh. Well, hell…I’m at work, in work mode, with a new phone….I’ve got a few pictures of my dog on there, another one of my new pair of Birkenstock’s I just bought – the picture of my friend’s new baby, what else do I have? Nothing.
I tell him I’m snapping a quick photo – I’m stressed, just picked up lunch and I have to get back into my office.
Carrie: This is all you get! The smile is fake, because it is fake. Gotta run.
Pro: He’s wearing a shirt.
Con: He’s not smiling. I’ve noticed he never smiles in any of his photos.
*Watches red flag wave in the wind*
Another week goes by of texting. Why hasn’t he call me yet? Shouldn’t he be making plans with me for dinner? Next week is fast approaching.
Saturday, I’m the Hen House pool party. The texts start…I’m two Sangria’s in and then the back-and-forth flirting with K9 Cop ensues.
Carrie: I’m at my friend’s pool hanging out for the day. What are you up to?
K9Cop: I’m at the gym.
CARRIE: Jesus! Can you please warn me before you send a picture like that?
K9 COP: LOL!
CARRIE: Hey, call me.
K9 COP: I’ll be home at 7:00pm.
Then…he sends another…
And then another…
CARRIE: When am I going to get my phone call? It’s 8:00pm.
K9COP: I’ve gone 5 miles in 40 minutes. Traffic is really bad.
(Totally suspect. But I play along. Whatever, I’ve drank three glasses of Sangria, I’m with my friends pool-side and…I’m feeling no pain.)
Then, I get another…..
Okay, that one, almost sent me over the edge And, I’m sure I was annoying my friends by saying, “Oh, my God…I want sex. I can’t stand it. WHY do I have to go without sex and be the celibate one? Why?
In the middle of complaining to my friends, he sends me ANOTHER picture:
K9COP: This was before I cropped it.
And that, my friends, is where he made a mistake.
For the record, it was 9:00pm and he still had not called. One thing I learned over the years is that you need to take a real close look at pictures, because you can usually see something they don’t want you to see.
CARRIE: I was hoping you would have called by now. *sigh* I want to know who this man is with the big heart and arms. Why haven’t you called yet?
K9 COP: LOL…and the messed up phone that loses all my contacts.
CARRIE: ….and keeps resending pictures you’ve already sent me in the middle of the night. But, still I’m a straight shooter. If you want something bad enough, you’ll make it happen. So, which leaves me to believe…
K9 COP: OK. Happy straight shooting.
CARRIE: Wow, just like that? That’s okay because I knew that wasn’t your lipstick on the counter…or hair products….or cat in the last photo you sent to me.
K9 COP: That’s a magic marker from my niece. It is my cat and my Mom’s stuff. I told you I stay there during the week. So take care.
He has 4 dogs at his house….and stays at his mother’s house during the week? Who leaves their dogs overnight? And what about the DEER???? Unless, he lives with his Mamma. Regardless, I wasn’t buying it.
CARRIE: No, you didn’t say anything like that. Remember, we’ve never spoken on the phone and it was a L’Oreal lipstick that was on the bureau.
K9 COP: My phone keeps losing all my numbers and I’m working 16 hours a day. Then you call me a liar??? Good-bye.
CARRIE: Then you should have been more forthcoming. You are not interested in me – you clearly just are into the attention. You know NOTHING about me. All you want to do is send body photos. What am I supposed to think? Your last few comments and how quickly you get defensive, speaks volumes about you.
(And he said he wouldn’t read my last text–so predictable.)
That was the end of K9 Cop.