If there is one lesson I have learned when it comes to online dating, it’s that you should never write anything negative in your profile.  A good profile is written honestly and should be written while you are in a happy state of mind.  The rule of thumb is that if you are a happy place, you will attract happy people.  It’s as simple as that.

I’ve had many people ask me to help with their dating profiles and most of them just need a little tweaking.

The first things I recommend:  Less is more.  If I see 22 pictures posted on your profile, I will suggest taking most of them down, because all you really need is a close-up, a full body shot and one of your favorites for good measure.   That’s all you need, just three pictures.   The problem with too many pictures is that people get caught up in putting themselves display, thinking that more is more.  I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s not.  Less is more.  A profile is an introduction, not your life story.  Leave them wanting more.

My friend John sent me the link to a profile that is a complete nightmare.  She breaks all the rules of attracting a good man.  Clearly, she is bitter and angry about something and has only embarrassed herself by posting such blatant disrespect and disdain towards the opposite sex.

I couldn’t red-line her profile, so I decided to just dissect her jaw-dropping comments with my own comments:

Is there just ONE cute and humble man out there?

About Me

Is there ONE handsome, sexy, clean looking guy out there with hair, a sense of humor, and some integrity who is not a materialistic workaholic braggart, mama’s boy, drunk, whoremoneger, Godless heathen, bald goateed tattooed freak, or insane sports fanatic? In a nutshell, a real man who is NOT an ***hole? Crickets…

I assume you got the part where she doesn’t like bald men?  Because clearly they are just so ugly and nasty looking.  Take Dwayne Johnson for instance:

Yuck!  He just looks so dirty with all those tattoos.  Wimpy even and certainly uninviting….

*FANNING MYSELF* 

And what about Ed Harris?????  He defines sexy baldness–at any age.

Who wouldn’t want to get naked with Jason Statham?

*PURRING*

You’re going to tell me that she would kick Boris out of bed?

Well in my fantasy dream world I am looking for an honest, attractive, clean man who doesn’t look like Mr. Clean. Sorry, but bald does NOT do it for me. Why do we get inundated with what we are least attracted to? I honestly think bald men can’t read. No hair, no response. Not looking for a friend with benefits, looking for a friend with class, integrity, ethics, loyalty, humor, and once again, hair. A guy who likes to stay fit and active, lives a healthy lifestyle, and likes do fun things. A guy not hung up on himself or obsessed with his career and worldly possessions.

Translation:  She hates her job and has nothing to show for her miserable existence here on Earth, and people who have worked hard and have nice things intimidate her, which makes her feel uncomfortable.

A guy who works to live, not lives to work. I am finally free as a butterfly and I am not looking for a stifling commitment by any means, but I certainly will not share a man with another woman or women. I have too much dignity and self-respect for that and I’m looking for a guy with integrity who’s looking for the same. Mutual chemistry is an absolute must and I will not settle for less.

Did she just say “stifling commitment”?  Yet, she’s not willing to share a man with another woman.   Are you confused yet, because I am!

No picture then I will rightfully assume your are an adulterer or scuz and I want no part of either.

Can someone please define “scuz” for me, because I thought that was a short hair style for men.  No?

NO PICTURE, NO BALLS, NO HAIR, NO RESPONSE! NO RESPONSE, NO INTEREST!

ALSO, WHEN CREATING A DATING PROFILE, THERE IS NO NEED TO YELL, AND WHEN YOU USE ALL CAPS, IT MEANS YOU ARE YELLING.  It’s also rude and not very lady-like, and, especially, not very POSITIVE POLLYANNA.

Please do not waste my precious time or yours writing me to give me your unsolicited advice and/or opinion of my profile. I don’t need or want your two cents. I want to attract a real man with a backbone and a sense of humor, not a boring wus, so my profile is as I want it.

“Unsolicited advice and/or opinion of my profile”…but she feels free to tell you exactly what she thinks about certain types of men.  Got it.  Well, at least she has changed her political tune, because John told me her profile used to have “no traitorous liberals” inserted everywhere on her profile.

Maybe this is progress? 

I doubt it.  This woman doesn’t need to be dating, she needs a psychiatrist.  She is beyond angry–she’s bitter.  And once again, I will quote my brother, in case all of you have forgotten:  “Dating is supposed to be fun.”

Hopefully, this will be a good reminder to everyone how you do not want to come across in your dating profile.  For those who do want some help, feel free to send me an email at TheRedHeadedWriter@gmail.com.

~Carrie