How to Handle a Break-up

I just started seeing a therapist.

There, I said it.

I think it’s been a long time and coming.  It’s not that I’ve been opposed to it, it’s just like everything else that’s important to me (like writing, which I’m working on), I didn’t make it a priority.

The Universe, however, knew better and set things in place, which is probably why it felt like everything happened all at once.  Because of this, ultimately my hand was forced to actually call a therapist and make an appointment.

I could have called a girlfriend.  No offense to them, I just wanted a neutral party to explain  why certain events were making me feel so bajiggity.

(In Carrie terms that means “anxious.”)

Let’s start off with the first guy who made me feel bajiggity.  He’s married to one of my girlfriends.  I know I’m a little naive sometimes and, therefore, I think that guys can actually Just. Be. My. Friend.

I love to hike and so did he. Several times he suggested that we should go hiking together.    I knew going by myself wasn’t a good idea, so I took my friend’s husband up on his offer.

It was during the second time we went hiking that he confesses to me that he loves red heads and also mentioned a few times how great I looked in my shorts.  I laughed it off like it was no big deal, because you know, he’s married, right?

The next time we go hiking, he tells me that we shouldn’t mention anything to his wife about hiking together.

That was the last time we went hiking.

Where I come from, I’m pretty sure that if you are saying or doing something that you wouldn’t want your spouse to know about, then maybe you shouldn’t be doing it.

But, that’s just me.

The next time I see the Married Hiker, I’m at my favorite Irish Pub. I’m out for a pint because I’m in the midst of trying to get over my break-up with the Lumberjack, who I had been dating for the last 9 months.  Needless to say, I was a wee bit of an emotional wreck  and just wanted to have a damn beer, or two, to get my mind off of things.

But, no.

This particular night, the Married Hiker invited me to come sit with him at the bar.  I figured what can happen in a bar, right?

Well, if I wanted any consolation that I was down in the dumps, it wasn’t going to come from the Married Hiker.  He saw my break-up as a good thing, like it was no big deal.  However, when I love someone, I deeply love them. And I think that’s why I can’t date just anyone. There has to be something really special inside of them that attracts me.  And with the Lumberjack, it was not only the loss of a boyfriend, but it was a loss of a best friend.

“Carrie, you are so lucky, you could have any guy here in this bar.  You should just go have some fun.  You’ll feel better if you do.”

I’m not sure what the Married Hiker meant by that, because looking around the packed pub, there wasn’t anyone who I would even think about dating.  He had met the Lumberjack a few times and I knew he wasn’t a fan of his, but he was never a fan of anyone I dated–not even my last boyfriend, who I dated for a year and a half!

It was suspect.

Just when I had convinced myself that his comments were harmless and he was just talking to me, like a guy would talk to a guy friend, he announces that he was leaving, and insisted that I should leave with him.

You know, for “safety” reasons.

“I can’t leave.  I’m waiting for one of my friends (Mr. Popular) to come here and meet me.  He’s just down the street and is on his way…”

“Carrie, the last time I checked, any guy who is already out drinking and is coming to meet you, only wants one thing.”

Wasn’t it just 30 minutes ago that he wanted me to just go fuck someone?

I felt confused, so I tried to clarify the situation. “Look, he’s my friend, we go out all the time.”

But he wasn’t having it. “No, Carrie, I don’t feel good about this….”

He doesn’t feel good about it?

It wasn’t his to feel!

And just like that I went from confused to pissed off.

3cea723352afa42ae31e3c0b4d6090b1

The fiery red head that takes no shit was now wide awake.  (It could have been the beer).  I leaned in towards him and spat out, “Would you stop trying to live vicariously though me, please?!”

I wasn’t going anywhere with him and there was no way in hell that I would ever be alone with him, either.  I knew what he was doing.  He was trying to manipulate me somehow and to convince me of something, I’m not sure of, but I knew it wasn’t good.

“This is ridiculous. Go home. I can do whatever the fuck I want.  This is getting weird.  You’re being weird and now you are making me feel uncomfortable!”

He wasn’t happy about it, but he left–just as Mr. Popular walked in with two friends.

And, by the looks of it, someone was half in the bag.

Mother fucker…here we go again…

Less than a week before, I had met Mr. Popular at Buffalo Billiards.  It didn’t dawn on me until after that day of beer and football that maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to be meeting him for a beer anymore.

Why?

What I quickly discovered, was that when Mr. Popular drank too much, he would start putting his hands all over me, which makes Carrie *pointing at myself* feel very, very uncomfortable.

Especially because I have already had “the talk” with Mr. Popular that we are only friends.

I stand  by the server station and watched Mr. Popular walk up to me all smiles and acting giddy.  Considering my Spidey sense were on high alert after telling off the Married Hiker, they were now sensing that Mr. Popular had an ulterior motive other than to just meet me for a beer.

Naturally, I was right.

First he slipped his hand around my waist.  Then, he introduces me to his friends, as if we were dating or something…

200

Next, Mr. Popular leans and puts his face in my neck.

“God, you smell sooooooo good…” he said pulling back with a drunk shit-eating grin on his face.

That pretty much was the end of my night.

I left shortly thereafter, officially feeling bajiggity.

The following day, I get hit up by another guy friend.  He also knew I was newly single and so was he.  He texts me that he felt lonely and invites me to come over to his house, so we can “watch TV” together.

fff

I politely decline.

Two days later, I’m downtown again, at the pub, trying to make up for the last time.  As I’m sitting at the bar talking to another friend who is sitting on my left about politics, this guy that I’ve known for about a year, leans in on my right and suggests that we go somewhere else together.

What?  In the middle of my conversation with my friend?

Again, I politely declined.

The following morning, he texts me:

DUDE:  I hope you had fun last night.

CARRIE:  I did.  Didn’t expect to stay out so late!

DUDE:  Glad you had fun. We could have left the bar early and had more fun 😉  Keep it in mind for next time.

CARRIE:  All I really want is to go out and enjoy a beer.  That’s all.  I just got out of nine months with living with someone…and I’m just trying to get my footing back with going out again.

DUDE:  Pause. I’m not trying to move in. I like going out and doing my own thing. You wanna do your own thing too. Thats cool.

CARRIE:  I didn’t imply that…but you were hitting on me pretty hard and I just want to be clear that I’m not into “hooking up” or “hanging out” thing.

DUDE:  Well that’s good to know.  A wise woman once told me it’s ok to be free with your body. I was just expressing my desire for innocent adult fun.

Yes, I could have been that “wise woman” that told him that, but believe me, it was taken out of context.  If I wanted to get with him, it would have happened already.   Let me not forget to mention that this guy is also very friendly with the Lumberjack.

Wasn’t there such a thing as Guy Code?  Or is that just a thing of the past, too?  Whatever the case may be, I reached out to my brother for some advice on how to just make guys understand that I just wanted to be friends.

CARRIE:  Is there any way to tell a guy that I’m not into them without them getting all fucking defensive?

NATHAN:  I would think the ‘straight-up-tell-it-to-his-face-and-be-honest’ method, is best.  If he can’t handle it, then he is a boy.

CARRIE:  I would think that in this day-and-age, guys are fully aware of when you are into them and when you are not.  When they flirt with me and I don’t return the flirting, isn’t that enough?  I hate men who just are incessant and make me have to spell it out, because I’m always the bitch in the end.  I don’t want to be a bitch!

NATHAN:  There are more boys out there, than there are men.

what-not-to-say-to-short-girls-1

And there was more to this story…

If someone wasn’t leaving something on my front door, right after I told them I wanted my space, then they were texting me completely inappropriate creepy songs that just spelled out “stalker”.

That was basically the straw that broke the camel’s back.

As I sat on my therapist’s couch, I noted the two boxes of tissues on either side of me.  I wouldn’t be needing them, because I had already decided before my appointment that I had already cried enough.  I was just going to sit there, and explain why I felt I needed a therapist.  You know, like an adult.

“So, tell me what’s going on, Carrie.”

What’s going on?  What wasn’t going on?

“Okay, I’ll just start off with the most recent stuff that has been bothering me, and making me feel really anxious.   I’m at a low point right now.  I’m no longer seeing someone I was dating for the last 9 months.  He means a lot to me and it’s just a really messed up situation.  It’s a messed up relationship that I’m not ready to explain yet, but I’m trying to move forward.  It’s been really hard.”

She leaned forward and handed me a tissue box.

As the betrayal of tears started to roll down my cheeks uncontrollably, one by one, reluctantly, I took a tissue and dabbed my eyes.

“This is me not crying, okay?”

Why was it so hard for me to tell my story, without sounding like a blubbering idiot?

“I’m trying to move forward and I realize these things take time.  I get that and I’m okay with it.  But, on top of that, it seems like every guy out there that I’m friends with, is trying to come at me and it’s all happening at once.  What I need are just friends.”

“What do you mean by coming at you, Carrie?”

“I don’t mean it in the literal sense,” I said, “but for me that’s exactly how it feels.  And look, I realize that the best relationships maybe based on friendship first, but I can assure you, all these guys just want is just sex.  All they see is this pretty girl, but they don’t see me.  I want someone to who wants to get to know me,” I said, pointing at myself.  “Me.

My therapist nodded her head in an understanding way and continued listening.

“There are no dates being planned.  I’m not being asked out.  Nobody is asking me how I’m doing.  They know who I was dating.  They know we just broke up.  Yet, I get this creepy sense that they are all just trying to give me the hard sell. I get it.  They want to get me naked and in bed, but they don’t want to date me.  And, if I’m being honest with myself that in and of itself just really hurts my feelings.

My therapist leaned back in her chair, nodded as if to agree with me, and summed up in simple terms what I had been feeling all along.

“I’m sure they can’t understand that you are feeling objectified here.”

He made me cry

“No,” I replied in my little girl voice. “They don’t, and just when I become single, it’s like all the guys can sense it.  Even the last guy I slept with, three years ago, starts texting me again. All my male friends start hitting me up, and I know they all want the same thing.  I like having guy friends.  I like the male energy, but, seriously, is there something in the air men can tell when a woman is single again?”

My therapist nodded her head and smiled at my comment.

“You know,” I said helping myself to another tissue, “I’m just feeling like I’m on overload right now.  Nobody understands that having beauty is like a blessing and a curse all at the same time.  It’s really a double-edge sword, you know?  All people can see is what’s on the outside.  I’m so much more on the inside!  It just hurts.  On top of all that, I’m hurting right now over my break-up.  I really miss him and it just seems like nobody cares.  They’re not asking me how I’m doing, because they all have an agenda.   It’s not about me.  It’s about them.  I’m just tired of it.”

I will say this about going to a therapist, she made sense, and she did make me feel better about my situation.  She validated everything I was feeling–and I guess that’s all everyone really wants, right?  To be seen, heard, and validated?

At the end of the session, she booked me for the following week. “Does eleven o’clock next week sound good, Carrie?”

“The only thing that would be better, is if we could have this session over a beer,” I joked. “Yes, eleven o’clock is perfect.”

LESSON LEARNED:  Guys will be guys, I get that.  I also get that we all become, at some point, so needy, so vulnerable, so lonely, so everything, when we are at our most vulnerable that I know many of us have made convenient concessions.

Sex is not the answer, no matter how great we may think it is, it’s still not the answer.

Guys flirting with me is not the answer.

I want someone who will protect me when I’m at my most vulnerable, not take advantage of it.

Going through a hard time such as a break-up is difficult.  There is no easy solution.  I’ve realized now that sometimes you just have to ride it out–alone.

Lastly, to those guys that circle like a damn vulture, when I’m at my most vulnerable, can go take a hike.

Without me!

NEXT!

~Carrie

Top 5 Dating Deal Breakers

My Mamma always said that in every relationship it’s important to make concessions.  You have to be willing to accept some things you don’t necessarily agree with, because nobody is perfect.

Let’s face it, I’m picky, as my girlfriends like to point out, and frankly, I have every right to be picky.  I like what I like, and that’s that.

At the encouragement of said friends, I have loosened up my strict list of “I would never’s” because as I have learned, you should never say never.

Like ever.

Why?  Because if you have a rigid check list, like I once did, eventually, you’ll be eating your own damn words.

Hey, I like to believe that it’s the Universe playing a joke on me, when I say “I would never date a guy that _______” and then I end up dating said guy.

Luckily, I like to think I have a good sense of humor.

I have a good sense of humor

Here is the short list of some of the things my girlfriends have reminded me I have said in the past:

“Oh, I would never date a smoker.”

Check!

“Oh, I could never date someone who doesn’t drink.”  

I don’t know where my head was on that one…check!

“Oh, I would never date an older guy.” 

It was only 11 years, but it felt like 20…check-check!

“Oh, I would never date a younger guy.” 

Age is just a number, right?  Check…

Oh, I would never sleep with someone on the second date.” 

Don’t judge.  And, let’s face it, sometimes hormones can take over all rational thinking.

“Oh, I could never date someone who had two kids, and never married the mother.” 

Guilty, but I wasn’t happy about it.

However! Out of all the, I-would-never’s, which have been heavily discussed among my girlfriends (and of course, my mother), there are certain deal breakers, which we all agreed that nobody should ever make concessions for.

Like, everrrrrrrrrrr…..

These are not red flags.  These go way beyond the cautionary bell that goes off in your head.  These are the ones where your conscience should be screaming the following:

  • Pack up your shit and leave!
  • Hit the eject button!
  • Bang the gong!
  • Sound the alarm!
  • Run for your life!
  • Stop, drop, and roll right the eff on outta there!

Unfortunately, yours truly *pointing at herself* has experienced all of these except, thankfully,#1.

(Thank you baby, Jesus.)

For the record, I really wanted to name this blog post:

“I am Not Desperate Enough for You, Mo-Fo”

…but people like lists…so here they are…

 

#5  HE HAS A NAME FOR HIS PENIS

I once dated a guy who proudly shared with me that he nick-named his penis, Woody.  He actually talked to it.  It was weird.  I felt like I was dealing with a 5th grader, instead of a man who wanted to date me.  It was juvenile, and all I could think about was if he would be talking to “Woody” during sex?

Not cute.

Next!

#4  HE THINKS HIS NAME MIGHT BE LISTED ON A DON’T-DATE-THIS-GUY WEBSITE:

I once had dinner with a extremely good-looking guy, who was suspect for just being that good-looking, but I went on the date with him anyway. We were in the middle of swapping dating stories (a big no-no on a first date) and for the hell of it, I shared with him that I found a guy I was dating, on http://www.DontDateHimGirl.com.  Without hesitation, my date reached for his cell phone and Googled the website and said…and I quote…

“Hold on, I’m going to look it up, and see if my name is on there.”

Did he really think that I hadn’t done that already?  Silly boy.  Apparently, he was all looks, and no brains…but it sure was fun to watch his reaction.

#3  HE REACHES FOR YOUR BOOBS ON THE FIRST, SECOND OR THIRD DATE:

If any guys does this, he’s not a gentleman, and has no self-control.  Who needs to date someone with a grade-school mentality?  Not me.  And, not you.

He is a pig and who wants that?

I can assure you, most likely he also has a nickname for his penis.

Oink!

Oink!

(I apologize to all the pigs out there, you get such a bum deal here.)

#2  HIS DATING PROFILE SAYS HE WILL DATE BETWEEN THE AGES OF 18 – ?:

I’ve asked guys this very question: “Why does your profile say you’d date between the ages of 18-?  Aren’t you a little old to be dating an 18-year old?”

Time, and time again, the response is, “I don’t know how to change it. I’ve tried,” which, as we all know, is total bullshit.  (See #3)

Cruising teenagers, is a deal breaker.  The only thing a guy in his 20’s, 30’s, 40’s or 50’s would have with an 18-year old, is emotional maturity.

See ya!!!

The #1 spot is not something I have experienced personally.  I did, however, happen to two of my friends on separate occasions and different guys.  I thought it was a fluke that it happened to my friend in New York, but when it happened to my friend in California, this is probably something guys do, which girls are not aware.

Therefore, it take the #1 spot.

#1  IF YOU SLEEP OVER HIS HOUSE AND YOU DISCOVER A “PISS JAR” NEXT TO HIS BED 

As my NY friend, so eloquently described the moment she discovered her guy’s “piss jar” next to his bed:

stupid

 

“It’s the moment when you realize that the ‘I’m with stupid’ t-shirt is pointing at you.”

Apparently, this guy picked up this disgusting idea of using a mason jar as a late night “piss jar” from his elderly father.   Who does that?  If you can’t walk down to the bathroom in the middle of the night because you are that lazy, then you sure as hell don’t deserve a girlfriend.

Ladies, if this ever happens to you, this is when you tell the asshole to open up the window, so you can jump out.

Sheesh!

NEXT!

~Carrie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dating: We Are Doing It All Wrong!

I met “Handsome Irishman with a Dentyne Smile” a few years ago at a horse race called “The Hunt.” For those of you who have never heard of it, it’s an annual horse race in the beautiful town of Far Hills, New Jersey.  (Beautiful and très expensive!)  People come from all over, usually by train or bus, not to watch the horse race, but to be a partake in the posh see-and-be-seen tailgating experience.  (Think frat party with lots of Wellies, Beans, plaid shirts, checkered shirts, bow ties, critter pants, ascots, kegs, bottles and, of course, beer pong.)

However, the Hunt has nothing to with this post or  how I became friends with Handsome Irishman with Dentyne Smile.  I’m writing this to illustrate how frustrating online dating can be and how it can make even the people with the best intentions, want to pull out their hair, or throw in the towel.

I’ve been there many times, but this is from my friend’s perspective and to give you an idea that it’s just not me.

Since I met Dentyne Smile, I have always thought he had all the traits and qualities women want. He’s handsome, educated, (obviously) a killer smile, smart, fun, very athletic, family-oriented, successful, and has great arms.

Why didn’t I date him, you ask?

Because he’s shorter than me, and you know how I feel about that.

So, why is he single?

Probably the same reason why I’m single.

Who knows!

It’s been the million-dollar question, we have discussed many times.  I even revamped his “About me” section in his online dating profile for him.  It seemed to help, but in the end, he is still frustrated and still single.

Recently I asked him how his love life was going.

DENTYNE SMILE:  Dating at the [Jersey] shore, post summer, is no picnic… LOL

CARRIE:  OMG…I’d be horrified if I had to date there.

DENTYNE SMILE:  It’s a little crazy.

CARRIE:  Superficial?

DENTYNE SMILE:  Locals are strange and they think they are normal…

CARRIE:  This is why our society is going right down the shitter.

DENTYNE SMILE:  True, being normal is our biggest problem… LOL   I have to say, the profile you wrote for my online dating was great.

CARRIE:  I had forgotten about that!  Sooo….?

DENTYNE SMILE: It’s been nuts, I tend to meet the crazies.  Either they want to move in ASAP or they want faster responses.  Or I meet really picky ones.

CARRIE:  Wow…are we talking about women in their 30’s or 20’s?

DENTYNE SMILE: Mid 30’s and 40’s.

CARRIE:  Really???  I’m a little surprised at that.  Can you give me an example of their behavior?

DENTYNE SMILE:  Hhhhhmmm… I had dated this one woman who was 36 and single.  After the second date, she wanted to watch a movie at my place.  We usually hung out once a week, and texted 3-4 times during the week.  She started to ask if I was busy every day and started making excuses to contact me.  She would ask me where I was going, and for what.  Then, she would text in the AM, “Safe travels,” then text, “Did you make it home safe?”  It got to be too much, too fast.

I took a 3-month break and then she texted out of the blue, so I figured she mellowed out, but it was the same mess all over again.  After we hung out, she texted and texted, and then texted…[that] we dated for 6 months, and she deserved better.  I almost pulled out my hair.  We hung out 1 time, in 3 months.

Dear Lord…if there anything I can teach my fellow single followers it’s, don’t be that girl!

Run Bro

I don’t know anything about this chick other than what Dentyne Smile wrote to me in his email.  But if she were to read this, this is what I would have to say:

1)   CLINGY IS NEVER CUTE:
I realize that Dentyne Smile is someone to get excited over, but let the man do his job!  You’re being too concerned, too nice, too available, too assertive, too nosey, too, too, too!  When he wants to talk or text you, you will hear from him.   I promise.

Chill. Out.

2)  TREAT TEXTING LIKE A GAME OF TENNIS:
I get it.  We all get caught up in the texting.  We get excited when someone is paying attention to us, but when it comes to dating, slow and steady, is the rule of thumb.  Like tennis, texting should go back-and-forth.  For example, he hits the ball to you, you hit it back to him.  It’s called taking turns.  I think we learned about taking turns in nursery school.  Taking turns means waiting for the ball to be hit back to you.  It means exercising patience.  Don’t keep texting him, if he hasn’t replied to your last text.  Don’t be annoying and don’t be that girl.

Chill. Out.

Please do not overwhelm your prospective date with texts!  Especially the ones that make you look creepy and clingy.

Too many balls

DENTYNE SMILE:  Example 2, we haven’t even met yet.  We planned a date a week ago. Here is the text I got: “My ex informed me today that one of his daughters may need to be transported to CHOP for emergency eye surgery. I’m not sure if he will be taking Bryson. May need to play it by ear.  I’m at the hospital with my mom right now…will text later.”

CARRIE:  Holy crap.  Play it by ear? Get a babysitter. Was there an apology? How about a “Hey, can we reschedule this for Thursday?”  What is wrong with people?  Now I see why you are frustrated.

Can you see why he was so frustrated?  If she had to cancel in person, I’m thinking their conversation would have gone a little bit better than “let’s play it by ear.”

CARRIE:  You know…I think you are dating below your standards. I’ve always seen you with someone who is highly intelligent, more like yourself. A doctor perhaps?  I just think you are fishing in the wrong pond, my friend.

DENTYNE SMILE:  Thank you.  One women I dated, after my last breakup, was nice and cool in the beginning. Then over time she had all these family problems and medical issues.  Never said anything.  Then called me from the hospital and wanted me to say hello to her folks.Two weeks before that, I went to Canada for work, I said please don’t text.  She sent me 100 texts saying we would make beautiful children and how much she loved me.  After the folks call, I had to end it.

Three months later, she saw I was buying a house and asked if she could refer me for a loan. I said ok, she said she just moved in with her boyfriend and that she was happy.  Her bank took so long, I had to back out.  She sent me nasty messages and said, “I hope the tree that fell on your place was because of Karma.”  She de-friended me [on Facebook].

Six months later she re-friended me, and said she lost her job at the bank. Caught her boyfriend cheating on her, and had to move back home.  Then she asked if we could meet up for drinks as friends.  I never said yes, and that night, she sent 20 texts saying she still loves me and wants to have my children.

Move on with your life


CARRIE:
 WHA…WHA…WHAAAAT?!  
And here I was thinking that I had it bad.

DENTYNE SMILE: Puts dating into perspective.

CARRIE:  I don’t even know how to respond to that…

Here’s my advice:

If you ever hear someone suggest to you, “Let’s play it by ear,” consider those words to be the kiss of death, and file it under “NEXT!”  Even if Dentyne Smile does get another date with this woman, I can guarantee you that there won’t be another date after that.  She’s just not that into him, and if she is, she certainly isn’t showing it.

People, who are into you, apologize.

People, who are into you, want to reschedule, because they don’t want you to think they aren’t into you.It’s really that simple.

The Ripple Effect:
How we get treated, is how we are going to treat other people.  Monkey see, monkey do.  Over time we think this is how it is, or the way it goes. We don’t care about the other person’s feelings because, most likely, we will never see them again.  This to me, seems like the root of the problem when it comes to dating, and especially online dating.  Across the board, I find people are generally frustrated.But here’s the real question:   What is it that really frustrates us?  Is it the lack of choices we have, or is it the way we have been treated, by those we have dated or tried to date?We all know how frustrated I have been over the years with the way people have treated me.  But regardless, I don’t let it stand in the way of doing the right thing by others.  Hey, I may not be able to say it immediately, but eventually, I will tell them that I don’t feel the spark or zing with someone.

Dentyne Smile should have told the clingy girl that she was being too clingy that he just didn’t feel the chemistry with her, and called it a day.  That would have saved him a lot of frustration.

…which leads me to another topic:  Dating is hard.  To this day, I sometimes still question whether or not I’m into someone, especially after a first date.  Yes, I doubt myself a lot.  But I believe that doubt was put there, by people who said to me over the years, “You never know, Carrie!”
mimick
Or they tell me, “Well, how are you supposed to know if you like him or not, if you don’t go out with him again?”
"Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them."  - Dream for an Insomniac

“Unless it’s mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it’s a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them.”
– Dream for an Insomniac

I don’t know, maybe it’s because I know better than the person who isn’t coming out on the dates with me?!  

How would they know when they are not in my shoes?

Attraction is this simple: If I don’t have any desire to climb over the table and make out with my date, then I’m just not that into him.  PERIOD.

And to me, attraction is a lot of things all joined together.  It’s their voice, their style, the way they treat me, they way they look, and they way they handle themselves on a date.

Oh, I know…most of you reading this are probably saying, “Oh, Carrie, love develops over time, and you could be passing on a really nice guy.

You know what I have to say about that?  Clearly, those who say that, have never felt “zing.”   It’s animalistic and doesn’t takes words or actions to know that you are attracted to that person.  You just feel it.  You know it.  There is no doubt.  There is no rhyme or reason.  It just happens.

They also have never had a man slide his hand around their waist, then around the back of their head with his other hand, through your hair, and get pulled in for a slow, deep kiss–a kiss that made them forget who they are, and where they were.  A kiss so deep, it made them dizzy with endorphins and slammed their hormones into over-drive.

In my Carrie way, I have gone all over the place in the post, but I’m going to end it with these last words, as a reminder to myself, my followers and to Dentyne Smile:  There are some people who have convinced themselves that the “zing” factor is only found in movies.  It might be true, but you’ll never find “zing” if you keep going after people who either are not that into you, or you’re not that into them.

Chemistry isn’t found in a two-dimensional profile on a dating website.

Chemistry is a person’s voice, it’s the way they walk, the sound of their laugh, they way they smell, and the way they smile at you.

You can’t experience those things online.

My two cents?  Get off the dating sites, stop hiding behind your computer, get out there, and go ask someone out on a dang date.

Life isn’t about playing it safe.  It’s about going after what you want, whether it makes sense or not.

NEXT!

~Carrie

Best Online Dating Tip – Don’t Play 100 Questions

Do you know anyone who loves going on job interviews?  Ya, neither do I.  But apparently, the 100-questions interview-routine is still alive and well in the world of dating.  If you are that person who insists on treating the dating process like a job interview, please keep reading.

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First and foremost, dating should be fun, from the beginning to the end!  People get nervous, I get that. I used to get very nervous before, during, and after a date.  I would even get nervous just talking to them on the phone.  My palms would sweat, my heart would race, and I would get dry mouth.  Ever have a conversation with someone when you had dry mouth?  It’s not cute, or fun. No wonder I hated that step in the dating process, I was so focused on trying not to sound like I had a speech problem, that I couldn’t even be myself during the conversation.

Crazy, right? So, how did I get over my nervous dating jitters?  It was a long process.  I had figure out what was making my nerves go into overdrive and I knew that until I realized what my problem was, I wasn’t going to be able to change.

It took a lot of introspection, but I did end up discovering that I was my own worst enemy.  Why was this so?  Because I allowed my own insecurities to swirl non-stop in my head.  “What happens if he doesn’t like me?” and “What happens if I say the wrong thing?”  became my two best friends.   I was a professional What If’er.  I was also exhausted and stressed out.  In the end, I realized that it wasn’t the dating that stressed me out, it was my own thoughts.

So, I decided to make a drastic change.

Oh, it was hard at first.  I had arguments with myself.   I swore a lot.  I even found myself mumbling things out-loud like a crazy person, but I was determined to rid that useless negativity out of my head.  Eventually, I took control over what I allowed into my thoughts, and just like a muscle, the more I used my self-control, the stronger I became at kicking anything negative, to the curb.

I also didn’t project, and ditched any expectations I might have had about my date.  Was it hard?  Hell, yes it was!  And during those times, I narrowed down my thoughts to the things that brought me joy, like deciding what I was going to wear on my date, and what yummy cocktail I was going to order.

Easy for me to say, right?  But it can be easy for you, too.  Think of dating as if you are going to a cocktail party.  Think about the fun you’ll have and the great outfit you’ll wear.  Who doesn’t like dressing up?  Never been to a cocktail party?  Then think of it like you are going to a friend’s BBQ.  There’s no reason to get nervous about that, right? Everyone has fun at a BBQ, because that’s why you are there.  To. Have. Fun.

It’s the same concept with dating.

When you focus on having fun, you ditch desperate measures, like using the 100-question routine.  People who bombard the other person with questions during the get-to-know-you process, do that because they think that keeping you on the defense is going to give them the upper hand.  Why do the need the upper hand?  Clearly, they have insecurity and they really have no business dating.

My gorgeous, best-friend Mary, recently met one of those 100-Question people.  They had met on Match.com and during the get-to-know-you process, he used the 100-question routine with her.  Here is our texting conversation on how that worked out for him:

CARRIE:  Enough about my crazy life, I’m being rude.  I didn’t even ask you how your phone conversation went with the guy from Match from Hell.

MARY:  Convo with him was okay.  He was Mr. 100 Questions.  He’s a teacher, so he wouldn’t let up.  Every time I just gave a casual answer, he wanted to dig deeper.  I even told him at one point, I thought he was being a little too inquisitive and he apologized, and said it’s the teacher in him.  Needless to say, the questions led to the truth of the matter. I kept it as a positive outlook, but…we will see if I hear from him again. It was just another talk that felt like an interview.

CARRIE:  If it felt like an interview, why didn’t you just tell him?  Jesus, was he reading off a checklist?  What is wrong with people?

MARY:   That’s totally how it felt.  His last question was, “If I choose to go out with you, will you be able to make time for me?”

CARRIE:  That guy needs me.   He needs me to slap him upside the head with some of my advice!

MARY:   Why are you still single?

Do you want a relationship?

Why don’t you have kids?

Would you still have kids?

Why haven’t you been dating?

What changed in your world that you haven’t been dating?

Why have your priorities changed?

Those were all the ones I was skirting around trying not to say “I was diagnosed with MS.”  Finally, I just said it.  I couldn’t take that game any longer.  He does need you! Haha!

CARRIE:  Oh, he did not!  Major no-no!

MARY:   Oh, yes he did. Even asked when last time I had sex.  That’s when I said I thought he was getting too personal.  They’re all stupid.  Haha.  Well, no, I don’t really mean that.  But wow, most really have no clue.

CARRIE:  I would have hung up on him. How is that even relevant to a first conversation???????

MARY:  Technically, it was our 2nd talk, but first one was super short because he caught me working and I couldn’t talk long.  Anyhoo.

CARRIE:  It should never come up. Ewwww….girl, I wouldn’t accept another call from him. Like, ever.

MARY:  Dammit, he is so hot in his pictures…maybe I should just use him for sex…

CARRIE:  That wouldn’t be good, either.  Can you imagine him in bed?  He would still be asking questions:

Do you like this?

How am I doing?

How long does it take you to have an orgasm?

How long have we been doing it?

Am I doing something wrong?

Yuck!!!  I just had a horrible visual in my head…  He won’t even be worth it.  Girl, he was rude.  I have guys here who are interested in me and who would never even think about swearing around me.  You need to find a man who will honor you, not play 100 questions to see if you are good enough for him.   He’s got it all backwards.   HMPH!

MARY:  That’s sweet.

CARRIE:  It’s all about what you will tolerate and command.  First, second, or third conversation with someone you don’t even know, shouldn’t feel like a damn interview.  He should have been trying to get you to like him, not the other way around.  Welp…now you know why he is single.    Next!

Trixie and the Long Distance Dude

Have you ever met someone, and just instantly clicked?  That’s exactly how I felt about Trixie when I met her.  Just like that, we clicked.   Okay, there might have been some alcohol involved, as we did meet one night at a trendy bar.  We were introduced by a mutual friend, who had wanted the both of us to meet for months.

I knew a little background on Trixie before we met.  First and foremost, she was single, and had been for a long time.  Of course, that piqued my interest and I knew that somewhere during our evening our evening together, I was going to find out why.

It just happened to be within five minutes of meeting.

“Why do you think you are still single?”

The suspense was killing me, because after spending five minutes with Trixie, I couldn’t understand why she didn’t have a boyfriend.  What was there not to love?

Trixie had a beautiful sparkle in her eyes (it might have been the alcohol), a gift of gab (also could have been the alcohol), and she was a very talented floral designer and had a good job (nothing to do with alcohol).  Plus, she was attractive and very easy-going.   Why she was single?  What guy didn’t want a fun woman with a good career?

I watched her gaze out into space, as she struggled to come up with an answer.  I knew it was a hard question and one that a lot of single women couldn’t answer, so I lobbed her an easier question.

“I realize that’s a difficult question.  So, let’s start with the last guy you dated.  What happened to him?”

Of course there was a guy.  There always is, and, in fact, he had been a friend of the family.

Sounded like a good start to me!

He grew up in the same area as she did.

They share the same roots.  Good-good!

 He was a little older.

Never a bad thing…

 They hadn’t seen each other in over 20 years.

It could be a good thing.  It could be a bad thing.

 “Go on,” I told her, feeling extremely curious as to where she was going with her story.

She had a crush on him as a teenager.  He was friends with her older brother, so she admired him for years, from far away.  Then eventually got reunited on Facebook.

Ah, good ol’ Facebook!

But he lived in Florida and she lived in Connecticut.

Uh, oh.  He was geographically undesirable, which meant the odds were going to be stacked against them from the get-go.

But, despite the distance, they spoke every day for several weeks, until he finally announced that he wanted to come to Connecticut…

EXCELLENT!

…so he could “take her out for coffee.”

Wait…

What????

Take her out for coffee???

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“Stop right there, Trixie.  That was your first clue.  Why was he willing to travel all that way from Florida, but only to take you out for coffee?  What the hell, chick?  Is that a new code-word or something?”

“I know, I know….”

“Listen Trixie, what he should have been saying is that he wanted to spend some quality time with you, or something to that effect.  Coffee?  Are you kidding me?!  I’m sorry, I interrupted you.  Go on.”

Hadn’t we all been there before?  The newness of a relationship sweeps in, and woosh!  There goes all of our common sense and sensibility, just like that.  So, who could blame her?  She was just like me, and you, and everyone else out there, single and struggling to find love.   Trixie obviously was getting caught up in the attention she was getting from this guy and wasn’t thinking with a clear head because she let him come to Connecticut.

She goes on to tell me that it had been years since a guy had struck her fancy, and even longer since she had sex.  In fact, she was so starved for affection that any tender touch would send her reeling.  Poor, poor Trixie.  She was just like the rest of us:  Overly sensitive and starved for affection.  It was so bad in her case, that she even put her hot yoga instructor on notice when she could no longer even handle having him adjust her yoga poses.  Even that was sending her hormones into overdrive.

Speaking of hot, our bartender came over with our second round of drinks and placed them on the bar.  With his velvety, Costa Rican voice, he asked if he could get us anything else.  For a split second I wondered if it would be worth pulling him into the conversation, and get his male perspective on our conversation, but it was a short-lived as Trixie continued along with her story right after she took a sip of her Martini.

“You’re not going to believe this, Carrie,” she said, gently putting her drink back on the bar.  “He said to me, ‘I thought we are both adults…’”

“He said what?!” I was clearly irritated with this guy already.

blinking

That line had really made its rounds in the dating world, because I distinctly remember, a few guys saying the same thing to me.  Was this the latest and greatest way to get laid these days?  “Hey man, use this line if a woman starts pulling away when you are making the moves on her.  Women can’t say no!”

So, here it is, the big red flag that should have stopped Trixie in her tracks and should have felt like a big slap upside her pretty, little head.  Instead of coffee/dinner/getting-to-know-one-another/let-me-invest-some-time-into-this-relationship, they had sex.   And you know what happens when you have sex without solidifying the relationship first?

GAME OVER!

And wouldn’t you know that dude flew back home to Florida and Trixie didn’t hear much from him after that.  Shocker, right?

From an outsider, I realize that it’s wicked easy to see all the warning signs.  But when your hormones are ruling, not only your head, but also your heart, nothing is going to stop you, unless you have super-human self-control.  Which, most of us don’t have.  At least, when it comes to sex.

“So, how did you guys leave it?  Did you hear from him again?”

“Oh, yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes.  We finally spoke and he told me he needed some time to think, and needed some space.”

And there it was, the “I need some space” because I’m full of shit line.

“So, I gave him space.  And, you know what else?  About two weeks later he changed his Facebook status from “Single” to “In a relationship.”

“Interesting.  I wonder if his new girlfriend knew that he had his dick in you just two weeks earlier.”

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“Dammit girl, I was just about to tell you that guys who say, ‘I need some space,’ usually have someone else already in the picture.   What a douche bag.”

I didn’t want her to feel like she was alone, so I quickly gave her the cliff notes on DC Dude.  “We had reconnected after a year or so.  Things were going well.  Plans were made that I would fly down to see him for a long weekend.  Only a few weeks before my scheduled visit, he went on a 10-day trip to Florida and didn’t even tell me about it.  The only reason I found out, is that he answered his phone while he was in Florida.  Not quite sure if there was another girl on his radar or not, but for those 10 days, I sure as hell wasn’t.  Shitty, right?”

MORAL OF THE STORY:  If there is one thing I know, it’s that when a guy anyone says they need their space, it’s never good.  You should consider the relationship over.  Finito. No explanation needed, because there are only two reasons why a guy would say they need space  and let me point out that only cowards use that line.  The cowards who do use that chicken-shit line, say it because they don’t have the balls to say, “I’m just not that into you and I don’t have the balls to tell you,” or “I’ve been seeing someone else and I still don’t have the balls to tell you.”

Again, keep your dignity intact.  Always take the high road and just gracefully bow out of the relationship.  Shut the door.  Delete their number.  Block them.  Whatever it is, save face and, for the love of God, don’t do anything you’ll regret later!  Just gracefully wish the other woman luck, because she is the one left in the dark…

 

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….and you, my dear, have seen the light!

~Carrie

 

Nobody Likes a Bitter Betty

Remember our bitter friend who wrote that atrocious Plenty of Fish dating profile, “The Best Bitter Plenty of Fish Profile“?  Apparently, she didn’t have much luck with the original, so she came up with a new profile–same message, just different wording:

Looking for an honest, clean man who doesn’t look like Mr. Clean. Sorry, but bald does NOT do it for me. No hair, no response. Not looking for a friend with benefits, looking for a friend with class, integrity, ethics, loyalty, humor, and once again, hair. A guy who likes to stay fit and active, lives a healthy lifestyle, and likes do fun things. A guy not hung up on himself or obsessed with his career and worldly possessions. A guy who works to live, not lives to work. I am finally free as a butterfly and I am not looking for a stifling commitment by any means, but I certainly will not share a man with another woman or women. I have too much dignity and self-respect for that and I’m looking for a guy with integrity who’s looking for the same. Not interested in mama’s boys, drunks, or sports fanatics. Mutual chemistry is an absolute must and I will not settle for less.

No picture then I will rightfully assume your are an adulterer or scuz and I want no part of either.

NO PICTURE, NO BALLS, NO HAIR, NO RESPONSE! NO RESPONSE, NO INTEREST!

Please do not waste my precious time or yours writing me to give me your unsolicited advice and/or opinion of my profile. I don’t need or want your two cents. I want to attract a real man with a backbone and a sense of humor, not a boring wus, so my profile is as I want it.

First Date Something fun and spontaneous, not too fussy. I wish I lived during the good old days when romancing a woman meant something and dating wasn’t just a means to an end. Remember, it’s not how much you spend on the date, it’s how well you spend it.

Dating a real woman is a lot different from a fake whore. It may be harder with a decent women in the beginning, but it will get easier once you prove yourself to her. In contrast, it’s very easy with a dirty whore in the beginning, but as you guys all know too well, it only gets harder and harder.

That was a few months ago.  I guess she had the same outcome, because it has been revised again.  And, again, it’s an epic fail.  If she doesn’t shape up soon, this will be her:

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If I was her dating coach, this is what I would have recommended for edits:

Trying to start a new year off on a positive note, so please read my profile to see what I am looking for before you waste your time and mine. I am looking for the right man who clicks with me. If he’s right, I’ll know it when I see him. Not looking for someone to control me, nor do I desire to control anyone. I like my space and value my freedom. I am very active and would like to find someone with a similar energy level. Someone fit, who loves the beach and outdoors, loud concerts, campfires, and just being content doing nothing with me. I’ve been a longdistance runner all of my life.  I’m not necessarily looking for a running partner, as that is my solace, but I wouldn’t mind a challenge here and there.  I love trail running, especially in the fall.  You never ever have to twist my arm to go to the beach or jump in the ocean. I absolutely love boogie boarding.  I like my music full blast! Got to be able to handle that and my singing!   Sarcasm is my specialty and you must have a thick skin and great sense of humor to click with this Gemini free spirit.  Music, food, and photography are my passions.  I like to keep up on current events and need a man who can not only keep up with me physically, but mentally as well. I like engaging conversation with substance. not style.I want someone who will listen to me and not just hear me. Mama’s boys turn me right off and I’ve found that many men have their sisters as surrogate mothers these days. I am 100% Italian and family is paramount to me.but I know too well about mama’s boys and Peter Pans.At some point in your life you have to grow up and cut the apron strings and put a good woman first in your life. That is no disrespect to your mother or sister, it’s being real man. I admire hard workers, but abhor workaholics. There needs to be a balance in life. A man can have all the riches his career can afford him, but if he has no family of his own who love him to surround him on his deathbed, he will die a complete and total failure in life. I know what I’m looking for and won’t settle for less. Drunks need not apply!

To add insult to injury, she changed her profile name and uses a not-so-nice reference about her ex-husband.  She just can’t get out of her own way.  Seriously, I don’t know if I want to slap this woman or hug her.

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MORAL OF THE STORY:  If you are that bitter about your divorce, then go get therapy.  It’s that simple.  Go fix yourself.   Do not pass “Go,” do not collect two-hundred dollars, and certainly, do not even bother with dating until you deal with your anger issues.  It’s women like Bitter Betty who need to be taken down a few notches, by having a therapist help them take a long hard look at themselves, so that they can join the rest of us here who live in reality.

~Carrie

Dumping Someone Can Be, Well, Like Taking a Dump

Over the years I have learned that when it comes to giving advice women and men can be very different.  Women tend to need more emotional support, than men.  Women need to slice it, dice it, chop it, and sometimes mince it down to every tiny detail. Their problems come from an emotional standpoint and their sentences usually start with “I feel…” or “Can you believe…”

I consider myself to be highly sensitive. Empathizing comes very natural to me. Having that ability to feel other people’s emotions can be a blessing and a curse sometimes, because it’s not fun to feel someone grief or sadness, when it’s not your own.  However, when it comes to helping people get through their issues, it can come in real handy.   It’s exhausting at times, but on the upside, it makes me a great friend.  In my circle of friends, I’m known as the go-to person for advice.

Got dumped?

Call Carrie.

Got cheated on?

Call Carrie.

You want to break up with someone?

Call Carrie.

I’m also great with relating to men and their issues dealing with the opposite sex.  I’ve learned that men handle their issues much more different than women when it comes to problem solving.  Men like the straight-up solutions – no fluff.   They don’t need their feelings acknowledged.  They really don’t want to talk or have long drawn out discussions–they just want the answer to their whatever they are dealing with.

Having watched my brother and my cousin use their quick wit and sophomoric analogies to make their point over the years, I caught on how men typically communicated.  It came down to a simple formula:  Take some humor, add some wit, mix it in with a good analogy and voila!  Instant guy talk.

I’ll give you an example.  Last week, John sent me a text saying that he wanted to break-up with his year-long relationship with his girlfriend, but was putting it off because he didn’t know how she would react.  Who could blame him for being apprehensive about it?

Not me.

Break-ups suck. I’ve been through a few myself and to me they are probably one of the worst things most adults have to go through in our life time.

Think about it:  Which would you rather have to go through?

A)  Root canal.

B) Stand up in front of class/work and give an oral presentation that you’re not prepared.

C) Break up with someone you’ve been seeing for a year.

D) Firing someone at work.

At, least when you fire someone you can pass it off as being “just business,” whereas having to break-up is all personal.  And most likely the other person isn’t going to take it very well.  That alone is difficult to deal with.

Will they yell?

Will they cry?

Will they beg?

Will they argue?

Will they find a stick of dynamite and hook it up to your car engine?

It doesn’t matter what you think might happen.  Breakups are just like everything else in life, you just have to face it–head on.

I decided to call John in regards to his dilemma, because I knew there was no way I could help explain to John what he needed to do in regards to his breakup over text.

In the middle of my little “you just have to do it” lecture, I realized that he wasn’t buying it.  He needed me to explain to him using an analogy that he could relate to and what guy can’t relate to poop?

Taking a poop

Okay, not really poop itself, but the act of taking a poop.

“John, you are obviously not happy and avoiding the confrontation. I get that. It’s normal. But you have to do it. Think of it this way:  Breaking up with someone is like taking a big poop….”

“What?!” he said as he started to laugh.

“You heard me, breaking up is like taking a big poop!”

“I can’t believe you just said that.”

“I can’t believe I just said that.”

“Don’t laugh, I’m being serious here,” I said making myself laugh.  “Dumping someone is like taking a dump. Think about it. You know you have do it–maybe you’re scared because it might hurt.  Maybe you just don’t know what might come out of you.  Or like that poop when you’re stuck at the office, you’re feeling anxious and apprehensive because you don’t want someone to walk in while you’re in the stall.

But, John, here is the thing; just like a break-up, you know you have to go do it, and, eventually, you’re going to have to face that fact.  But once it’s done, you’re going to feel soooooo much better.  Am I wrong?”

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“Oh, my God…”

“Stop laughing at me, you know I’m right. Take that big dump! Walk into the men’s room, John, and feel confident, because you know soon it will be all over!

He sounded much more confident about breaking up with his girlfriend when we hung up, and agreed that I was right.  He just needed to get it over with.

The next day I heard from John again via text:

JOHN: She took it pretty well…of course she asked if booty calls were an option…

CARRIE:  And, you said…

JOHN: Sure, why not?

CARRIE:  WHAT! Oh, my God, what am I going to do with you…!!!!

Well, I guess that’s going to be my next topic:  “The Danger and Pitfalls of the Post-Break-Up Booty Call.”

~Carrie