Don’t date someone who isn’t over their ex.
I went on a date with someone who said, “I don’t want to talk about my ex,” and then they make their ex the subject of the entire night. If this happens to you, run. Don’t accept a second date because it’s a damn trap.
Case and point…
*CRACKS KNUCKLES BEFORE TYPING*
Don’t worry; I’m just a little annoyed.
…I really didn’t think this “good guy” would give me anything to write about, but here it goes…
*GRUMBLES EXPLETIVES UNDER BREATH*
So, basically, one of my friends kind of set me up with her brother. I had known her for many, many years, and yet I thought it was kind of odd that I had never met her brother.
My first introduction to her brother was a year ago at my friend’s son’s 1st birthday party. I happened to sit down at the same table with the brother and introduced myself because I had recognized him from pictures. We exchanged pleasantries, but it didn’t lead to a full-on conversation, so I turned my attention to his mother, who was sitting across from me with the adorable birthday boy on her lap…and that was that.
This year, I got invited to the birthday party again. The party was great, although, I have to admit that I got a little schnuckered because the fruity lime-green drink concoction that was served, went down like Kool-Aid. I’m exaggerating a little here because it didn’t go down easy at first, as I remembered it curling my eye-lashes when I had my first cup.
Clearly, it didn’t stop me because I had three.
Yupper, three cups and you can bet your ass that I was chatting away with everyone – except her brother, of course, who seemed to keep his eyes on the ground.
The next day my friend called me. I thanked her profusely for inviting me to the party and told her I had a great time.
“Ya, Carrie, about the party yesterday…”
Oh, God. What now? What did I do? Did I drink too much and say something out of line to someone at her party? If I did, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to deal with it. Oh, the humiliation…
“What’s up? Did I say something out of line to someone?”
“No, no, not at all. It’s my brother. He saw you at the party and wanted to know if you’d be interested in going out on a date with him.”
“Your brother? You mean the only person who didn’t speak to me at the party? That one? That’s so weird. Why would he want to take me out if he couldn’t even approach me at your party? Besides, I thought you said he was in a relationship. Isn’t he still with that blonde twit?”
“No, they broke up. He’s really shy, Carrie, but he’s a nice guy. I wouldn’t try to set you up if he wasn’t a good guy.”
“Okay, just give him my number.”
Naturally I was excited about the possibility of a date and needed to share it with a girlfriend, so I texted my friend Bill:
CARRIE: My friend’s brother wants to take me out on a date. I have known her since I was 15. Never knew her brother. I saw him at her son’s 2nd birthday on Sunday. I guess he was impressed and I wasn’t too drunk! 😉
BILL: And how does he look?
CARRIE: French. Tan. Not the tallest…
BILL: He’s good looking for his age, I guess.
CARRIE: He’s older than me, but I don’t know how much older. He’s divorced with three or four kids. The youngest is still in high school.
BILL: So, he has baggage. What is important to you?
CARRIE: I love kids. I don’t consider it baggage at all.
BILL: Yeah, but I was a child of a broken marriage. You are the intruder. LOL
CARRIE: He’s been divorced a long time and has/had girlfriend. Not sure if she is still in picture or not.
BILL: Aha so there is another girl. Protect yourself. I don’t like seeing you hurt. But just write all about it. It makes good reading.
CARRIE: I don’t think she is around anymore…we’ll see! I heard about her through friends of mine. They labeled her a gold-diggin’ blonde twit.
BILL: Will you be labeled the red headed vixen? LOL
CARRIE: Sounds about right! 😉
BILL: What about recording your dates?
CARRIE: Are you crazy?!
BILL: Sometimes, but you edit them down to a few minutes with some blurry faces. Okay, it would be nuts.
CARRIE: It’s hard enough getting a date with guys knowing I may possibly write about them, let alone to record them. They would kill me.
BILL: Maybe. Hehe.
And then because telling one friend isn’t enough, I decided to tell another one of my friends:
CARRIE: I might have a date with my friend’s brother soon…
JOHN: THAT sounds promising, he said sarcastically…..
CARRIE: I know. Wheeeeh…*crying*
A few days later, my friend’s brother finally called me. It was one of those easy conversations that flowed so easily that we spoke on the phone for over an hour.
The following day, I had a little pep in my step, as it’s always nice to feel a little connection and know that someone was thinking about me. Now I just needed to come up with a nickname. I decided on “Nice Guy.” After all, he was sweet, sincere and just wanted to be in a long-term relationship.
Within a week, we went on our first date, and like a gentleman, he came to my door, even though it was raining out. Most guys would have texted me from the car and expect me to walk out to their car, but Nice Guy was living up to his newly acquired nickname.
We ended up deciding on a new bar in town that neither of us had been to before. It was brand new and beautifully done on the outside with cedar shingles, but when we walked in, the inside looked like a fraternity house. It even included a rebel flag. No joke. Maybe they were going for the eclectic look? One thing for sure is that a rebel flag doesn’t “fly” here up north.
Two drinks later, and many long conversations, I gathered he liked talking about himself. Nice guy was indeed nice, but he was actually kind of dull, too.
JOHN: So ya he was a gentleman blah blah blah….what’s the REAL scoop on the date?
CARRIE: He really has old school values, which I love. But he didn’t ask me any questions! None. We did talk quite a bit and even agreed on many discussions; especially child rearing.
JOHN: How does someone go through a whole date without asking ANY questions?
CARRIE: We were talking local politics and the changes to my home town where he now lives. We were both disappointed with our bar selection. It was gorgeous on the outside and then looked like a frat bar on the inside.
JOHN: I guess your favorite watering hole isn’t really on the list of eligible bars for a first date?
CARRIE: God, not any more. And the place had really high ceiling, which made it loud in there.
Let’s face it, I can have a conversation with just about anyone. I know I’m inquisitive, thoughtful, engaging, and smart. Plus, I know not to talk over people during a conversation. That’s a big no-no in my book, but apparently it wasn’t in his, because he did it a few times to me–okay, a lot of times. Normally, I’d describe conversational hogging to be a red flag, but I let it slide. Maybe he hadn’t been out with someone in a long time? Maybe he felt comfortable talking to someone who could be a good listener?
I should have listened to my first instinct.
A few days later, two thing kept coming up in our texting and phone conversations. First, was his shitty ex-girlfriend. Second, was his concern that I was going to write about him – even though he knew about my blog and had taken the time to read some of the stories. I had to remind him that my blog is about me. Let me repeat that: This blog is about me. And, if I write about someone, I give them the common courtesy of being anonymous. Nobody knows who I’m writing about, unless you personally know me.
Sheesh! Dating me really isn’t that difficult. Why can’t men just man up? Jesus…have some confidence. If you don’t have confidence in yourself and your ability to treat me nicely, then why should I have confidence in you? I understand I may not click with everyone, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to write about you. The only time I write about someone is when I feel the common courtesy has gone out the window, or you’ve hurt my feeling. Usually they go hand-in-hand.
You don’t want to be written about?
Don’t hurt my feelings.
It’s as simple as that.
Over the next month or month and a half, we went out a handful of times.
(Five to be exact.)
He treated me well and was very considerate; I’ll give him that. But the downer was that he kept telling me everything that was going on with his ex and all her silly little games she played to get under his skin.
I should have taken that as my queue to tell him that he wasn’t ready to date me, or anyone at that time.
It also took him three dates for him to finally plant one on me.
Before the kiss, the jury was still out on whether I was into him or not, but when our lips touched, I felt a little *zing* and I thought there might be some hope after all.
But, soon after our fifth date, he went radio silent, and surfaced about a week later.
You know what’s coming next, right?
NICE GUY: How’s everything?
CARRIE: Hey there! I’m good. How are you?
NICE GUY: Good… I am sure you figured out that me and my ex are going to try it one more time … Not just for her son’s sake but we both realize that we were better together than apart… I know you will be disappointed in me but i have to follow my heart and give it one last try…
CARRIE: Wow. No, I wasn’t expecting that.
NICE GUY: I am surprised you didn’t! Her 7-year old son had been having a hard time in school, so the school asked us come in to talk about it… And my 17-year old son was missing both of them. My ex didn’t think that we were a family and then we both realized that we actual became one… So we have been talking for about a month and both decided to try one more time and she really missed me and my son.
CARRIE: I’m pretty much beside myself, but nothing surprises me anymore. Good luck with her.
Seriously? Pa-lease, let’s get real. What she missed was his money and his big house. She left and she couldn’t manage on her own; typical gold-digging behavior.
His excitement must have left him immune to my facetious comment, because he didn’t even acknowledge it.
NICE GUY: Thanks…I just want to be happy and figure 4-yrs vested so why wouldn’t it hurt.
He just wants to be happy? With that twit? From I heard this woman alienated his whole entire family and made him feel like crap about himself, and he just wants to be happy?
My God…he’s clueless.
I felt a needed to vent, so I sent my friend, Amy, a quick text.
CARRIE: Nice Guy just told me he got back with his ex-girlfriend who is seriously bat-shit crazy! I give up!!!
AMY: Well, he is clearlyyyyy an idiot… Good luck to him!
So, what? So what that he went back to his ex-girlfriend, right? What’s the big deal? Certainly, he didn’t see a problem with it. But, you know what? Here’s my take on things…
I spent a LOT of time on the phone with this guy. A lot. In fact, I talked to him every day. If we didn’t find time to talk, we sent each other several texts throughout the day. Texting or talking…it’s all still very time-consuming and this chick came across as no prize and had nothing to bring to the table except undermine their relationship.
I’ve seen this happen to nice guys before, and I don’t have a clue where it stems from, but, for whatever reason, people like “Nice Guy” really get hell-bent on proving that they are “worthy” or “good enough” to unworthy people. I mean, he might as well have “DOORMAT” written across his face or “PLEASE USE ME.” So, for whatever it’s worth, the second he said he was back to his ex, all respect for him went out the door.
And to boot, here I am close friends with this guy’s sister. I’m at her house all the time. Is he really that naive to think that we are not going to bump into each other again? It’s been over a month and I still haven’t heard from him. One would think that the gentlemanly thing to do would be to at least to extend the olive branch, you know, so that I wouldn’t like I just got used so he wouldn’t have to be alone.
Here’s a great suggestion for dialog: “Hey, Carrie. I hope you are doing okay. I never said this, but thank you for all the advice. I know it must be disappointing that I got back with me ex, but just know I appreciated your advice and the time we spent together none the less.”
That would have been nice.
That would have been the gentlemanly thing to do.
But, no, he disappears after he breaks it off with me in a text, no less.
Common courtesy out the window?
Posting a blog about the guy?
10 thoughts on “Nice Guy: He Clearly Wasn’t Over His Ex-Girlfriend.”
I greatly appreciate your comments about an olive branch. To leave things better. To leave a human, caring situation. And final communications being a text message, an email, a phone message, or even a phone call rather than an in-person conversation. I find it a sad way to affect an ending. Sadder is when someone is ureachable at all for such an olive branch.
Sad people can’t extend the common courtesy. Do I have to remind people that I have feelings, I am someone’s sister, I am someone’s daughter…?
I have found that I am proud of my upbringing. It is often quite obvious others did not get taught common courtesy. People are so lost in their own world that they don’t realize how much better life is if you actually are aware of your surroundings. Carrie, you deserved better but i doubt better could have been satisfied without burdening him. Maddening isn’t it? I have learned all too well about those who can flick a switch and “unfriend”. The worst part is they don’t know any different. It is usually a pattern and one those who date can often run into. So we have things that should give us reason to take it slow and make sure they actually deserve our attention, but that is what we talked about when we compared age and wisdom to fear. Look at your date’s life, do they have friends? No? might be a red flag, might be a “switch flicker”. Oh, it doesn’t matter, because we will convince ourselves and give them the “benefit of doubt”. In fact you saw some flags you ignored. It ended bad and it is his fault, but you could have avoided it and “he” is no longer part of the equation so your issue lands only with yourself, which is also where the pain is. The key is trying to not ignore what is important to you when you first feel it. (this is not the first time i have read you doing this, and this is easier said than done.) When all he could do is talk about his ex, you are experienced and smart enough to not let the second date happen, not to date a patient. Keep on moving my dear, sooner or later you will have nothing to write about. Bliss will turn you into a painter. 🙂 -Rob L.
Rob, are you saying that if I don’t feel that instant *ZING!* with someone, that I should just not give them a second date? I often give guys the benefit-of-the-doubt that I will like them more as I get to know them and sometimes it does work out to my benefit, but as we see…Carrie is still single, so maybe I should just go with my gut: No means no…yes means yes.
Seems you let the “zing” distract you just enough for him to hurt you. This is an issue of mine. All I am trying to do is recognize what red flags I need to.
You know what? Even if I did get my feelings hurt, that’s on him. I did my best and put my best foot forward and gave a nice guy a chance. It’s kind of like playing baseball or football. We don’t always win and sometimes we get hurt in the process, but what fun would it be if we never gave it a try? What? Sit on the sidelines or on the bench the rest of our lives, afraid of being hurt? Screw that. Ya, it pisses me off how some people can conduct themselves and I sometimes get my feelings hurt, but I don’t let it get me down. I know what I’m worth and I know what I have to offer. If he couldn’t see it, again that’s on him. He’s an idiot. I know the right guy for me will see it.
I think how you met Bill is just fabulous!!!!
Me, too, Marian! I met the Smoker and his brother that way, too. The brother said “That was a great post this morning, as I was walking into the Shaskeen,” and like a spazz I looked around and said, “What said that?!” I didn’t know either of them at the time. Fun stuff!
I really think this “nice guy” had a lot of nice qualities, however he is a coward that’s why he disappeared. And he is running from any connection he captured with you…..once again Coward. You are a very confident woman and men can be intimidated by that. So sad but true.
Nice doesn’t always cut it, does it, Colleen?