Beth and I are at the West Palm Beach airport in Florida, leaving after a fabulous 10-day vacation together. We were walking around, inside the airport, trying to decide where to eat, because we both were starving and had time to kill before our flights took off to go back home.
As I put down my bags at a table the eating area, a blond girl who was about 5’4”, caught my eye. Well, she was a peanut compared my 5’11” frame. Wait – correction, she didn’t catch my eye – you couldn’t miss her. But, I think that was the point she was trying to make as she had obviously mastered the stripper’esque look with her long, blond hair and her tight, neon-pink tank-top with a boob job so big that it looked like two massive Macy’s Day Parade globular balloons floating right under her chin, (minus the men holding the lead ropes on the ground).
Seriously, she put Pam Anderson to shame…
Amazing! I couldn’t help but wonder how a girl decides to have giant-sized watermelons for boobs, without realizing she is limiting herself on her clothes selection for the rest of her life? I mean, I’m “O’natural” and I even I get frustrated with trying to find thing that will fit! I can’t even wear button-down shirts anymore because my girls are too big. (No, that was not a complaint.)
With boobs like hers, she must be limited on what she can wear. Does she wake up in the morning afternoon and make try to make a decision between the neon pink spandex tank-top or her neon lime-green one? Yuck! Spandex! I assumed it was her only option for fabric. What else would fit? I felt bad for her, because I guess her Mamma never told her that synthetics don’t breathe and will make you sweat. And there’s nothing like having sweaty, stinky armpits on a hot summer day!
She was indeed a spectacle, and if her main purpose in life was to bring attention to herself, well then, she definitely had succeeded! All she needed was a itsy-bitsy doggie under her arm, and she would have fit right into Pink’s video “Stupid Girls.”
Finally turning my attention away from Miss Neon Big Boob, I noticed Beth was at the Starbuck’s counter checking out their food selection. I dutifully stood by our bags and casually took a look around to see if anyone else had noticed the neon spectacle.
Not only did they notice, there were a few people that just stopped and stared, like the guy sitting across from me. He literally stopped eating just so he could watch her walk away from her table.
(Remarks that are all in PINK CAPS are Beth’s editing comments – too funny to omit.)
When Beth came back to our table, she obviously saw what I had seen, because she didn’t even have to say anything to me – she just gave me a nod.
I HAD WHIPLASH, ACTUALLY, BECAUSE I LOVE A SPECTACLE IN NEON SPANDEX…ALWAYS HAVE…ALWAYS WILL.
Beth and I have always been two peas in a pod. People always say we look like sisters. (I think it’s because we have the same build – we are both very tall, curvy and have big hair, and big eyes.) That day, we both had on capri’s, sandals and we both wore short-sleeved tops. However, I wore my yellow cashmere sweater over my shoulders, which I had tied it in a knot to help distract from showing off my girls too much. Beth and I were both well-dressed for our flight – conservative, but still meow-meow. Both of us have always agreed that it’s important to dress age-appropriate and elegant, but still keep a little edge. After all, you teach people how to treat you.
Speaking of – this is a true story! One time, I was flying from Nashville to Los Angeles. It was summer time, so I decided to wear my pretty navy-blue, A-lined dress, with heels that was very Jackie O. I even wore black, over-sized sunglasses. I definitely stood out – but in the right way. (My grandmother would have been proud.)
I board the plane, say hello to the flight attendants, and sashay my way down the aisle, only to find sitting next to my window seat a very large, over-weight man trying to squeeze himself into his middle seat. Geeze! Just my luck! This is going to be a long flight…
After I sat in my chair, arranged my giraffe legs around my bag in front of me, and clicked my seat-belt together, did I noticed a male flight attendant leaning over from the aisle to hand me a folded napkin. I took the napkin from him and without saying anything to me, he walked away.
I gave the man sitting next to me an uncomfortable smile and slowly opened the napkin, which read, “Your seat is 3A.”
It took a few seconds for it to register in my head what “3A” meant. Then it finally dawned on me.
Holy crap! There is a God! Sweet Jesus, I just got upgraded to first class!
Wanting to gloat over my change of luck, it was hard to keep myself contained and not wave the napkin over my head like I had just won the lottery. Instead, smiling ear-to-ear, I graciously turned to the man sitting next to me and said, “Excuse me, Sir, but I’m in the wrong seat!”
Flying first class was fabulous. I had plenty of room for my long legs, and I drank for free. The cutie-pie flight attendant kept me company and entertained during the whole flight and even sent me home with a bottle of wine! All that because I put effort into dressing like a lady – with an edge, of course!
“Her parents must be really proud,” Beth eventually said to me. Everyone was looking at Miss Neon Big Boobs. And, to add insult to injury, she was even holding a stuffed animal under her arm and wore a back-pack which had “Playboy” written on it. Yes, indeed, her parents must be really proud.
UNLESS HER MOM IS SOON TO BE ONE OF THE “HOUSEWIVES OF WEST PALM BEACH”…THEN SHE WOULD BE HAPPY!
I felt sorry for the girl. She was clearly clueless and was obviously one of those girls who thought any attention was still attention. Sad.
I joined Beth in the Starbucks line and, as I was reading the menu up on the bulletin board, the 60-something year-old man standing in front of us turned around. First, he looked at Beth and then he looked at me.
“Be still my beating heart.”
I couldn’t help but exclaim, “Oh, my gosh! Thank you, so much. That was very sweet of you to say.”
I turned to Beth with a big smile on my face – she just smiled back at me. He just proved our point about keeping it tasteful, but sexy.
Standing there in line, I could tell the man was caught up in his own thoughts after noticing us. Maybe he was remembering a time when all women still cared about their appearance and men sought after them for their beauty and grace. A time that seems to be long gone these days.
As he grabbed his items off the counter he turned to us again and said, “The perfect picture of elegance.”
At that moment, I could feel my grandmother smiling down at me from Heaven, proud of her granddaughter for dressing and acting like a lady.
SCORE A WIN FOR THE NATURAL-FIBER GIRLS…AND “THE GIRLS” IN NATURAL FIBER…ALWAYS IN STYLE!
(I love this video – Pink is my hero for writing this song!!!)