Have you ever met someone, and just instantly clicked? That’s exactly how I felt about Trixie when I met her. Just like that, we clicked. Okay, there might have been some alcohol involved, as we did meet one night at a trendy bar. We were introduced by a mutual friend, who had wanted the both of us to meet for months.
I knew a little background on Trixie before we met. First and foremost, she was single, and had been for a long time. Of course, that piqued my interest and I knew that somewhere during our evening our evening together, I was going to find out why.
It just happened to be within five minutes of meeting.
“Why do you think you are still single?”
The suspense was killing me, because after spending five minutes with Trixie, I couldn’t understand why she didn’t have a boyfriend. What was there not to love?
Trixie had a beautiful sparkle in her eyes (it might have been the alcohol), a gift of gab (also could have been the alcohol), and she was a very talented floral designer and had a good job (nothing to do with alcohol). Plus, she was attractive and very easy-going. Why she was single? What guy didn’t want a fun woman with a good career?
I watched her gaze out into space, as she struggled to come up with an answer. I knew it was a hard question and one that a lot of single women couldn’t answer, so I lobbed her an easier question.
“I realize that’s a difficult question. So, let’s start with the last guy you dated. What happened to him?”
Of course there was a guy. There always is, and, in fact, he had been a friend of the family.
Sounded like a good start to me!
He grew up in the same area as she did.
They share the same roots. Good-good!
He was a little older.
Never a bad thing…
They hadn’t seen each other in over 20 years.
It could be a good thing. It could be a bad thing.
“Go on,” I told her, feeling extremely curious as to where she was going with her story.
She had a crush on him as a teenager. He was friends with her older brother, so she admired him for years, from far away. Then eventually got reunited on Facebook.
Ah, good ol’ Facebook!
But he lived in Florida and she lived in Connecticut.
Uh, oh. He was geographically undesirable, which meant the odds were going to be stacked against them from the get-go.
But, despite the distance, they spoke every day for several weeks, until he finally announced that he wanted to come to Connecticut…
…so he could “take her out for coffee.”
Take her out for coffee???
“Stop right there, Trixie. That was your first clue. Why was he willing to travel all that way from Florida, but only to take you out for coffee? What the hell, chick? Is that a new code-word or something?”
“I know, I know….”
“Listen Trixie, what he should have been saying is that he wanted to spend some quality time with you, or something to that effect. Coffee? Are you kidding me?! I’m sorry, I interrupted you. Go on.”
Hadn’t we all been there before? The newness of a relationship sweeps in, and woosh! There goes all of our common sense and sensibility, just like that. So, who could blame her? She was just like me, and you, and everyone else out there, single and struggling to find love. Trixie obviously was getting caught up in the attention she was getting from this guy and wasn’t thinking with a clear head because she let him come to Connecticut.
She goes on to tell me that it had been years since a guy had struck her fancy, and even longer since she had sex. In fact, she was so starved for affection that any tender touch would send her reeling. Poor, poor Trixie. She was just like the rest of us: Overly sensitive and starved for affection. It was so bad in her case, that she even put her hot yoga instructor on notice when she could no longer even handle having him adjust her yoga poses. Even that was sending her hormones into overdrive.
Speaking of hot, our bartender came over with our second round of drinks and placed them on the bar. With his velvety, Costa Rican voice, he asked if he could get us anything else. For a split second I wondered if it would be worth pulling him into the conversation, and get his male perspective on our conversation, but it was a short-lived as Trixie continued along with her story right after she took a sip of her Martini.
“You’re not going to believe this, Carrie,” she said, gently putting her drink back on the bar. “He said to me, ‘I thought we are both adults…’”
“He said what?!” I was clearly irritated with this guy already.
That line had really made its rounds in the dating world, because I distinctly remember, a few guys saying the same thing to me. Was this the latest and greatest way to get laid these days? “Hey man, use this line if a woman starts pulling away when you are making the moves on her. Women can’t say no!”
So, here it is, the big red flag that should have stopped Trixie in her tracks and should have felt like a big slap upside her pretty, little head. Instead of coffee/dinner/getting-to-know-one-another/let-me-invest-some-time-into-this-relationship, they had sex. And you know what happens when you have sex without solidifying the relationship first?
And wouldn’t you know that dude flew back home to Florida and Trixie didn’t hear much from him after that. Shocker, right?
From an outsider, I realize that it’s wicked easy to see all the warning signs. But when your hormones are ruling, not only your head, but also your heart, nothing is going to stop you, unless you have super-human self-control. Which, most of us don’t have. At least, when it comes to sex.
“So, how did you guys leave it? Did you hear from him again?”
“Yes. We finally spoke and he told me he needed some time to think, and needed some space.”
And there it was, the “I need some space” because I’m full of shit line.
“So, I gave him space. And, you know what else? About two weeks later he changed his Facebook status from “Single” to “In a relationship.”
“Interesting. I wonder if his new girlfriend knew that he had his dick in you just two weeks earlier.”
“Dammit girl, I was just about to tell you that guys who say, ‘I need some space,’ usually have someone else already in the picture. What a douche bag.”
I didn’t want her to feel like she was alone, so I quickly gave her the cliff notes on DC Dude. “We had reconnected after a year or so. Things were going well. Plans were made that I would fly down to see him for a long weekend. Only a few weeks before my scheduled visit, he went on a 10-day trip to Florida and didn’t even tell me about it. The only reason I found out, is that he answered his phone while he was in Florida. Not quite sure if there was another girl on his radar or not, but for those 10 days, I sure as hell wasn’t. Shitty, right?”
MORAL OF THE STORY: If there is one thing I know, it’s that when a guy anyone says they need their space, it’s never good. You should consider the relationship over. Finito. No explanation needed, because there are only two reasons why a guy would say they need space and let me point out that only cowards use that line. The cowards who do use that chicken-shit line, say it because they don’t have the balls to say, “I’m just not that into you and I don’t have the balls to tell you,” or “I’ve been seeing someone else and I still don’t have the balls to tell you.”
Again, keep your dignity intact. Always take the high road and just gracefully bow out of the relationship. Shut the door. Delete their number. Block them. Whatever it is, save face and, for the love of God, don’t do anything you’ll regret later! Just gracefully wish the other woman luck, because she is the one left in the dark…
….and you, my dear, have seen the light!