Last week, one of my single male friends shared with me his experiences with on-line dating. He said his one-month dating experience had led him to believe that all on-line women are not only desperate, but crazy. “Whoa! What? Are you serious? Why do you say that?” I asked. “Here, I’ll let you read some of the emails I get. Everyone of these women are from the age of 30 – 50 years old. They all contacted me first. I never respond, because I’m not interested. It’s pretty sad.” He forwarded the emails to me, and I sat there at my computer, wide-eyed and with my hand over my mouth, horrified. These are the emails that I read that day – verbatim.
“How re u doing? I like your profile and pics. I was on vac in CA when I subscribed on match but I’m living in MA. I’m planning to move to NH soon. That’s why i’m looking for my match in NH. Hope to hear from u soon.”
“This will be quick. I’m from the south too, first thing in common : ) Anyway, I would like to meet up for coffee and conversation…Oh, and HAPPY THANKSGIVING!”
“I would like to meet you… Diana”
“ive never written back to someone who hasnt responded to my first inquiry. However, i’m a bit curious as to what it was that didnt interest you about my profile. Again, just curious as i dont write to many people and this is new to me so just trying to get an idea.”
“Would you be up for a chat or txting…”
“I beleive that I am an atractive fun person who has a lot to offer. I am 43 years old but look younger.”
“I have looked at your profile more than once,….I like;-)))” “if you want I would like to get to know more about you…..Karen Have a Great Day.”
“hi. i know i live far away. but i am a flight attenant and have overnights in boston alot. wanted to know if you would be up for talking over a drink/coffe sometime?”
“I sent you an email last week and came across your profile again today. Was hoping I could convince you to enjoy a good cup of coffee and great conversation and go from there. Would love to Hear from you!”
“I was wondering why I was getting no response to the carefully-crafted, profile-germane, hopefully-witty emails I was sending, so I asked some of my gal pals who have been doing Match longer. They said that in their experience, men basically never respond to unsolicited emails from gals. What’s up with that”
“Sadly, this leaves me only two options — lurk on Match sifting through correspondence with the cougar-hunters and mirror-phobic (no), OR issue you a dare (men like dares): Be the guy who write back, I dare ya …. Go ahead, hit reply.”
“Match singled you out as one of my ‘special matches’ …I do like what you have to say, and would like to get to know you. BUT, I understand that the ‘dare ya’ experiment could seem snarky rather spunky (my intention) … so I wish you the best of luck.”
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Stop! Just stop what you are doing! No wonder men think that all women on-line are crazy!
Ladies! Where is your dignity? Where is your common sense? Where is your self-control? Holy cow! We need to have a come-to-Jesus meeting.
*GETTING UP ON SOAP BOX*
It is on rare, and I mean really rare, occasion that I will write to someone first. Why? Because, I know that if a guy is into me, he’ll let me know! There is no need to help him along in the process. Men are natural-born hunters. It’s innate. They enjoy the thrill of the hunt. Don’t spoil the rules of nature and, please, let them hunt!
How do I know about this rule of nature? Because, my brother, a bar owner/bar tender, has always told me that as soon as a girl gives up her phone number, before he even asks for it… It’s over! Not interested! Next! Giving a guy your phone number before he even asks for it translates into a lot of things, but mostly: You are desperate. You are needy. You are not worth his time. So, let him contact you first, and when you reply to his email, please be sure that you pay attention to not only the content of your email but also the structure.
What you say, and how you say it, is just as important as spelling and grammar. Think of this as an interview. Would you really send out a cover letter without proofing it first? Spell-check is your friend! If you can’t spell, use Spell-check! Mozilla has it built-in, and will light up every misspelled word like a Christmas tree just so you don’t miss your error. If you don’t have Mozilla installed onto your computer, then cut and paste your email into a Word document, and have Word check the spelling for you. Hell, it will even check your grammar, too! Bonus!
Remember, first impressions are lasting impressions. Let me give you an example. Which email would you rather receive?
“Hey whats up with u?”
Or, would you rather receive this email?
“I really enjoyed your profile – especially the part about how you took in climbed your first mountain. I love hiking, too. Please take a look at my profile and, if you like it, I would really like the chance to start corresponding with you.”
It’s really that simple. You get what you give, so put a little more thought and effort into any, and all, correspondence. Please. Remember, if a guy is interested in you – he’ll let you know. Do yourself a favor – go out and buy, He’s Just Not That Into You. I’ve recommend this book to a lot of my single girlfriends, and they all said it brought them clarity and insight into what they were doing wrong. You, too, can save yourself a lot of time, heartache, and, quite frankly, embarrassment if you read this book.
*STEPPING OFF SOAP BOX*
Now, stop being a slacker, and get back to work! ~Carrie
12 thoughts on “Ladies! Have You Lost Your Mind?!”
I don’t agree that you should always sit around just waiting for the man to contact you. That’s not being pro-active. Given, do I personally prefer it to be that way? Yes. However, I met a lady this weekend who attempted to give online dating advice to me and a friend (I told her I should be the one advising, but ya know…) and she said it all changed for her when she started being pro-active and reaching out to men and searching herself. Because of that, she’s now married to her “doppelganger” so she calls it. I thought that was just someone who looks like you, but apparently they are soulmates. I actually have met him a few times, and he is incredibly smart, 6’4, and a writer/director. Anyway, I’m just saying, sometimes I just don’t think there is a rhyme or reason. (and I’m the girl who read you that entire book out loud!) I don’t see desperate or needy in every single one of those emails above either, just the one who wrote 5 times. That’s over the top yes, but if we don’t search ourselves as well, then how do I get the men I want to contact me to do so, instead of just the crazies and the idiots. It goes both ways.
Yes, Mary, you are the person who read out-loud “He’s Just Not That Into You” one rainy, cold day sitting on the couch with you, covered in blankets. (You really should do voice-over work.)
We should all be pro-active, certainly, but I think we also treat each correspondence as if it were an interview. Use Spell-check, proof-read, and make sure that you have good grammar and punctuation.
But, I’m sticking to my original theory…if a man is interested in you – he’ll let you know. Because how many times have we gone up to someone first, either in person or on the dating sites, and been rejected?
Thank you for your two-cents!
Not all them, of course — but maybe 15 – 20%…not a bad ratio.
Hmmm… I don’t know why your friend gets so many crazy e-mails. I’d have to see his pictures or profile…I don’t mind getting a short note or a wink from (attractive) women online — it sort of makes my day. — david
But the question is, are you into those girls who “wink” at you? I know it feels good for a girl to contact you first – sort of a validation – but how into them are you? I ask this because, I know from my own experience, we are not oblivious to people on the dating sites. We do searches. We know who is out there.
“Because how many times have we gone up to someone first, either in person or on the dating sites, and been rejected?”
Welcome to every day of every guy’s (dating) life! But are you any worse for the wear? Can we expect EVERY scenario to be rejection-less?
We are always going to get rejection no matter what side it’s on. I see your point as far as making sure it’s a good spell checked email etc. That I understand.
Just so you know though, this morning I emailed a guy that popped up and looked interesting, and he’s been emailing back and forth with me all day and we are meeting in the New Year. He’s a lawyer, and lives downtown LA on the east side, woo woo. So there you go, my point proven. But no, it does not ALWAYS work.
I agree with your “let them hunt” comment. I had a friend try and set me up with someone that I thought was smart, attractive and also available. While I appreciated the gesture, I felt as though there was no challenge. I explained to my friend “It’s like that scene in Jurassic Park where they get to the T-Rex cage and there’s a goat on a leash for T-Rex as lunch, the professor says ‘he doesn’t want to be fed, he wants to hunt'” so that’s what I was thinking when I said that. Guys want a challenge so that there’s a feeling of “conquest”, there has to be a struggle. If not, then how can you appreciate what you’ve gained as a relationship. You don’t look at it in the same light. Instead of being cherished, it is mundane and ordinary and easily gotten.
And Lord knows I don’t want to be considered as mundane! Thank you for your comment, Dan!
Hmmm….don’t listen to Dan. It’s not as black and white as that (as Mary pointed out)
I love this blog, Carrie! So true.