PAINTER:   How was your weekend?

CARRIE:   The weekend was fun.  Spent time with friends.  Got the new flowers all planted at the Shaskeen.  Everyone loves them.  It makes me happy.  Got a little sunburned… How was yours?

PAINTER:  Pretty much the same…minus the flowers.  🙂  What are you up to?

CARRIE:  Are you asking because you have free time?

PAINTER:  Yes.  Can I pin you up against the wall again?

Oh, boy.  He knew just how to push my buttons, but I felt like I needed to slow things down a bit.  Luckily, I had someone working on my house, so hanging out there was not an option.

CARRIE:  I have a contractor working at my house all day.  Do you want to go for a walk in the woods? You can tell me about your weekend.

PAINTER:  Sounds like a plan.

An hour later we were walking on the trail.  I had my hair up in a clip, no make-up and wore an old, ratty, blue sweatshirt.   I probably looked like a hot mess, but I really didn’t care. He had seen me at my best and now he would see me at almost my worst.

“Wow, this is really a nice walk.”

“I’m glad you like it.  I try to walk it every day with Campbell.  It clears my head.  Just don’t tell anyone about it.”

“Ya, I can see why.  It’s really pretty.”

It was a beautiful day outside.  The sun was out and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.  Thank God for the canopy of trees that kept us in the shade because, without it, I might have been really hot in my sweatshirt.  It’s one thing to look like a hot mess, but it’s another to smell like one.

We did a lot of talking during our walk.   If there is one thing that I have learned in life, it’s that if you want someone to open up, you have to be comfortable with silence.  Generally, people are not comfortable with silence, so the rule is if there is too much silence, they will talk.  To use this method, you must have a lot of self-control and know how to be a good listener.  It’s totally reverse psychology, but it works like a charm.

After we did some joking around, he eventually began talking about his split from his wife and how it came about.  I felt bad for him, as it sounded like he really did give it his all.  I think his wife got too comfortable in the relationship and ignored her husband’s warnings that he was unhappy.  It’s a shame, but I hear similar stories all the time.

When we got back my house, he had stuff to do and the contractor was still working, so we said a quick good-bye and that was that.

I didn’t even get a hug or a kiss good-bye.

Maybe it was a good thing, because had he come into my personal bubble, I might have wrapped my arms and legs around him and refused to let go.  I might have even made him bring me upstairs to my bedroom, so I could have my way with him.

Seriously, I know that I try to be a good-girl and exercise my self-control, but dammit, I am a woman of a certain age and the attraction factor between us is off the chart.

Frustrated, I sent a text to my friend, John.

CARRIE:  Seriously!  What does it take for a woman (me) to get laid around here?

JOHN: Lucky for you, I have a special this week on the “Boyfriend Experience.”  It’s only $74.99.  It includes a four-course meal and oral sex.

CARRIE:  I want sex.  S-E-X.  It’s been so damn long, I think my hymen grew back…

CARRIE:  Wait…I want sex AND a sleep-over. How much does that run these days?

JOHN:  Cuddling in the morning or more sex?

CARRIE:  Both.  Can we refrain from calling it “cuddling.”  I hate that word.  “Snuggle” is more appropriate and acceptable to me.

JOHN:  You say “to-MAE-to,” I say “to-MAH-to”…  It’s $49.99.  The morning snuggling and sex is on the house.

CARRIE:  Deal.  Just remember that I don’t like a lot of tongue when kissing.  Or, is kissing not included in the “Boyfriend Experience” package?

JOHN:  Duly noted on the tongue.  How about eye contact during sex?

CARRIE:  Nah, too intimate.

JOHN:  Of course.  When would you like to book it?  Did things fall through with The Painter?

CARRIE:  He went away this weekend.

JOHN:  But he’s the one you’re complaining about not getting laid with, right?

CARRIE:  Oh, ya.  I want him.  It’s mutual.    He better make some time for me.

JOHN:  He will if he knows what’s good for him.

CARRIE:  Damn right.  The problem is we are both really busy and have conflicting schedules.  This sucks.

JOHN:  Kind of tough to have a sleep over that way…

CARRIE:  Seriously, I’m about to go against my own beliefs and grab the first hot, 20-something year-old if he doesn’t make some damn time for me.