Why I Owe You an Apology

Dear Gut Intuition:

I sincerely owe you an apology.   I didn’t listen to you when I should have.  Instead, I listened to Self-Doubt and Second-Guessing Myself.  I was wrong and I’m very sorry.

I believe that there are definitely times when you are trying to get my attention; the light goes off, you start yelling at me, but somehow I manage to ignore you.

Like, in the case of Grizzly Adams.  He was handsome, super smart, kind, considerate, and wicked tall.  Gut Intuition, we both know that I was excited that he was 6’5″ and had a nice beard.  I was in Heaven, wasn’t I?  I know we both liked his masculine voice, his intelligent conversations, and the fact that he called me, and seldom sent texts messages unless it was to schedule a time to call and talk to me.  How thoughtful was that?  He did that just to make sure I wouldn’t miss his call.  That, alone, made me feel really appreciated.

Everything was going great, until we met for the first time.  After talking to him face-to-face, I realized that his personality was flat.  There was no joking around, no kidding each other – nothing to laugh about.  Just serious talk.

You knew he wasn’t going to work out for someone like me and once you saw this, you patiently tried to get my attention.  But, I ignored you, because I was too busy trying to make it work by imagining what it would be like to kiss his nice lips and feel his soft beard.  I think Hormones might have had something to do with that, because we both know that I’ve been having a strong attraction for anyone with a beard.

(A good example would be Ryan Gosling with a beard.  And if he’s a dirty blond – even better.)

The ideal beard on a man.  The ideal man, with a beard.

I was trying too hard, and yet you were confidently telling me to enjoy the lunch and conversation with my date, but after the date, that would be it.

Instead of listening to you, Self-Doubt and Second-Guessing Myself stepped in and took over.  They told me that I needed to give him more of a chance and that maybe he would grow on me.  But, even after the second date, his personality still seem flat and I finally listened to you and told him there wouldn’t be a third date.

Then there was MassGuy.  I’ll admit that we both agreed in the beginning that if I gave him enough rope that he’d hang himself, which is exactly what he did.  But, how long did I let that go on?  A month?  Six weeks?  I should have listened to you and never even responded to his first email.

Lt. Dan – same thing.  He was the guy who sent me flowers without asking me for my address.  That was creepy.  I didn’t like that at all and it set the tone for the rest of the time I was in contact with him.  But, because Second-Guessing Myself was in my ear, and some of my friends were telling me that I’m too picky, and that I don’t give guys a chance, I ignored you and listened to them instead.

In the end, you were right.  You are always right.  I’m not sure why I continue not trust you and for that I truly want to say that I’m sorry.

I don’t ever want you to leave me and I really would like to see our relationship grow.  So, in moving forward, I promise you that I will give Self-Doubt and Second-Guessing Myself the ol’ heave-ho and won’t let them hang out in my head anymore.

I don’t know what my major malfunction is when it comes to boys; I’m not sure why I just don’t just listen to you, because when it comes to other aspects in my life, I always go with what you tell me – just not when it comes to dating.  But no more.

For now on, it’s just me and you.

Carrie

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